My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[RedSoxFan]

I agree about the "gut" feeling but also be aware that some times this requires counterintuitive action.

I think that given your expressed desire to fight for her. You should provide for her. Be a safe, considerate friend, live your life so you are happy and a desirable person. I would not ask her out right now, you know she's under pressure. I would back off for a week or so and give her the space she asked for.

OK

I would watch out for mind-reading. More than anything, you have messed with her head and she needs space to figure her feelings out. You don't know what she feels. If my H wanted to come back at the juncture you're at, I would feel so messed with. I may not want him back but I would be miserable at the prospect of having to be responsible for saying no to him and my family being together...you see? It is a bit of a trap. She finally accepted your choice and now it is back on her. I don't know if she feels empowered by this in any way. But, depending on her personality, she may consciously or not, want to mess with you right back. Really, you don't know what she is going through.

She definitely feels messed with. I get the feeling she's p***ed that I've come so far with healing and physical/emotional growth and she hasn't when I'm the person that caused all of this. I don't blame her.I also think there's anger there, even though she says there isn't and I think that subconsciously she wants me to hurt like she did and pay. And you're right...ultimately, I have no idea what's going on in her head. I'm guessing and looking through lenses of optimism and fear.

I would want my H to SHOW me he was ready to be with me and be a family. I suppose that would mean he sets up therapy for us, he agrees to Retrovaille (google it), he makes demonstrated sacrifices to his social calendar to be with the kids and eventually us as a family.

You are attempting to undo damage you've done. I think it takes time and actions she can see are real. Anything you say you are going to do, make sure you do it (so don't overstate what you can do).

I still think you need to gain her respect too. I think you need to make sure you are fulfilled in your own life and create an environment that any woman would want to be in. She had given up on the vision of her family being together so, in time maybe being together as a family will be the strongest pull...it would be for me.

I've offered to set up counseling. I suggested we should go even if it just led us down the path of healing and becoming friends. So far she has said no. I've also looked into Retrovaille. I'd love to do it.

I'm definitely doing everything I need to be doing in terms of devoting time to the kids. Taking care of things around her (our) house, etc. She sees me being happy and healthy. I think in many ways it makes her angry because I'm doing well.

I think you're right about the family.

Another obstacle to all of this is that I'm saying many of the same things to her that she said to me 10 months ago. It's no surprise that she is pretty sour about that.

[aliveandkicking]

Don't ask for a date until you get some indication that she's ready.

Can you set up a gmail account for your kids so you can interact that way? Then you are not subjected to the whole FB drama.

[aliveandkicking]

Another obstacle to all of this is that I'm saying many of the same things to her that she said to me 10 months ago. It's no surprise that she is pretty sour about that.

So, stop. She knows, spent months processing and working her way out of her feelings and now you want to convince her of something she already knew! That would drive me f'ing crazy.

The counseling and Retrovaille should come in later. First, she needs to feel that you are viable as a family IMO. Think back to when she was trying to convince you...it doesn't work. You had to SEE something, experience something to change.

Kudos to you for being willing to step up to this. You must give her time. Think about what she has gone through. It is not tit for tat...I don't think her MO is to harm you but definitely to protect herself.

My best guess is that the other guy is a weenie compared to you. Am I right? Maybe that will help you back off a little.

[RedSoxFan]

Don't ask for a date until you get some indication that she's ready.

Can you set up a gmail account for your kids so you can interact that way? Then you are not subjected to the whole FB drama.

I'm not going to give up the fun interactions we have on FB. Wew do things like Farmville, games, all kinds of fun things.

[RedSoxFan]

Another obstacle to all of this is that I'm saying many of the same things to her that she said to me 10 months ago. It's no surprise that she is pretty sour about that.

So, stop. She knows, spent months processing and working her way out of her feelings and now you want to convince her of something she already knew! That would drive me f'ing crazy.

The counseling and Retrovaille should come in later. First, she needs to feel that you are viable as a family IMO. Think back to when she was trying to convince you...it doesn't work. You had to SEE something, experience something to change.

Kudos to you for being willing to step up to this. You must give her time. Think about what she has gone through. It is not tit for tat...I don't think her MO is to harm you but definitely to protect herself.

My best guess is that the other guy is a weenie compared to you. Am I right? Maybe that will help you back off a little.

Wow! Great feedback. I'm aligned to everything you wrote here. I'm so amazed at how awesome all of you have been listening and making suggestions. It means a whole lot to me and has helped a lot. I am very thankful!

[gucci loafer]

So let me get this straight...

When she chased and pursued the relationship with you, then you weren't sure what you wanted and such...

I withdrew further than I ever had before. I asked my wife for time away from the marriage but she would not agree.

My wife eventually found out about the affair. We went to marriage counseling (we had done so several times in the past) but I was like a cornered animal. I was lying about the affair, trying to cover it up. She was begging me to reconcile and to save our family

We went down the path of her saying she would give up and let go if I said I didn’t love her, etc., etc. So I did. I told her what I thought she needed to hear to leave me alone.

When she stopped chasing and pursuing and suddenly had someone else she was interested in and decides she does NOT want you..

Out of nowhere came a new relationship fast and furious. I learned from my children that they had gone for a weekend trip and had slept at his house when they were rained out. I was broadsided when I found out. Words cannot describe how hurt I was…maybe much the way she felt when I left her. I confronted her about the situation and she started admitting it in little bits and pieces until she finally said…so what, I’m having sex. So what! I deserve happiness.

You THEN wake up and can't live without her and would do anything to make it work?

I immediately shared all of my feelings with her. I cried (this is a new me) and begged. I went on for weeks (started about a month from today) but she basically said…you forced me to move on and I did. I grabbed DB during that time and I knew I was doing the wrong things but I couldn’t help myself. I had discovered that I lover her even more than I always thought. I realized how important our family is. I came to understand the likelihood that we’d both regret divorce 5 years from now. I shared all of this with her but nothing.

Now that you are acting like she did, she is acting like you did? Correct?

So what she did when you didn't want her didn't work? Correct?

Then why are you doing the exact things that the facts show didn't work for her?

Interesting.

[MrBond]

What "reassurances" does your W have that you're not going to cheat on her again? Being on the other side isn't fun isn't it?

If I were her, I wouldn't trust you. You only came back because she found someone who made her happy after you made her life a living hell. We all know how it feels.

The only thing you can give her is time. You took her trust and trampled all over it. Showing her statistics and articles almost seems like a joke because you didn't follow them.

Give her space and start re-establishing the trust in the R. Real trust and not blindly doing what you think she wants because she'll read right through it.

[RedSoxFan]

Now that you are acting like she did, she is acting like you did? Correct?

So what she did when you didn't want her didn't work? Correct?

Then why are you doing the exact things that the facts show didn't work for her?

Interesting.

Yep your point comes through loud and clear. Thanks for taking the time to put my own words together to make it.

There is a little part of me that wants to believe that because she got it before and I get it now, we can find a way forward.

[Stronger]

Hey RSF
Hey GL
I am 50/50 about dating during DBing....but I think in this case, he's walked down a particular path already and can't turn around and start dating. It will make him look too much like a liar which is never a good thing....what do you think?

[RedSoxFan]

What "reassurances" does your W have that you're not going to cheat on her again? Being on the other side isn't fun isn't it?

No it isn't fun at all. It sucks! And you're right. She has no reason to trust me or believe in me...zero!

If I were her, I wouldn't trust you. You only came back because she found someone who made her happy after you made her life a living hell. We all know how it feels.

That's not the reason I came back...I had been moving in that direction for sometime. I was taking my own sweet time though, that's for sure. I still wasn't aware fully of the context and implications. Make no mistake, when the OM surfaced it struck a blow like nothing I've ever experienced. It was definitely a wake up call.

The only thing you can give her is time. You took her trust and trampled all over it. Showing her statistics and articles almost seems like a joke because you didn't follow them.

Give her space and start re-establishing the trust in the R. Real trust and not blindly doing what you think she wants because she'll read right through it.

Thank you for that guidance. I'm doing my very best to follow exactly what you describe. I go back and forth with myself about whether I even have a right to ask her to save our marriage. I hurt her really bad.

I don't know if this means anything but she tells me that the affair wasn't the main issue and that she forgave me for that (she herself had an affair several years back). She says that the walking out is the thing that did the damage. Sigh.