JR, I would never say that you're whining. This is painful stuff to go through - some of the toughest I can imagine - I just think of how you compared parting with your sons to your time in war...and it's clear how hard all this stuff is. While my situation differs from yours in many ways (which I'm relieved you don't have to deal with), what we have in common is the profound sorrow that going through this brings upon us at times.
Also...don't forget that your W's lawyer is just doing his/her job - and I doubt there's much emotional investment in the decision to keep the divorce open for him or her.
I know how important it is to keep that game face on - I did it all of last year - and it wore me out sometimes.
As for your question about what else can you do and where have you failed - I think those are normal questions - and they're questions I imagine a lot of us have asked ourselves during this difficult time - but those questions can distract us from the big picture - which is that while we might have let our partners down in some regards, both people bring to the relationship issues from their own lives - and the breakdown of a relationship sometimes just means that things have reached a critical point for at least one person in the marriage - and at that point a lot of evaluation takes place. Sometimes that evaluation leads to growth for both people - sometimes it leads to growth for just one person - but it always changes things - and makes things clearer somehow.
How often do you talk with your W?
When you do talk, do you try to just listen - and not interfere with her thoughts, words, hopes, fears?
From all that you've said, it didn't seem to me like you should be dark when it comes to your W - that's very much an extreme response to an extreme situation - and so if you still have some possibilities of communication, by all means, keep them open - just do so with a perspective shift - talking with her as an exercise in listening, rather than wanting to be heard - and remembering that if she's sharing anything with you about why she's unhappy that you should not disagree with her or argue with her - sometimes what she might say is clear as day to her - sometimes it comes from her own pain and confusion - and either way - listening, being there to listen - and not to solve, interfere or question her is a way to express your detached, healthy love without imposing your will on her in any way.
If you can, keep communication open - just avoid talking about marriage, divorce, the future - any of that...listen and validate - offer your support for her decisions (even and especially the decisions that seem to pull her away from you) - since it's so very true that love is more powerful when it does not tether the one we love.
So...have you come up with any weekend plans yet? I'm planning on making myself a great breakfast on Sunday morning. Just for me - and eating out on my balcony as the sun rises. It's a plan for a quiet morning - on my first Sunday alone in months - and after breakfast I'm hoping to head out to a beach - throw myself in the sand and read and write...I have a torn ACL, so going into the water doesn't hold much promise.
Oh...one last thing...I understand that wish that your W could see the new you...and that makes a ton of sense...but I would say that she gets hints of the new you through your relationship with your children - and through any conversation she has with you - however brief. Don't spend too much time wishing for that - just allow it to be so - trust in your changes enough, and everyone perceives them - even through the phone.
