R, here you go. I posted this on my page, but maybe you can take from it what you will and what you need....and at this point, I think it's hope.
Here's something I posted to another DBer but I wanted to share it with everyone. I think it will give us all the hope we need to keep making changes to ourselves as WE see necessary and makes US happy. And I think it gives us hope that as we make our changes, it makes our spouses make changes.
Below are two abbreviated emails from my H. The first is from April when he was asking me to "just sign the damn papers" and I continued to refuse on the grounds we never sought professional help. And frankly, it's not what I wanted.
W, I don't want to fix things.
That's the thing that is most sh!tty, that I feel sh!tty about, but it is what it is. I don't want to fix anything. Too much has happened, too much has gone on, and I don't want it anymore. No more "discussions". Just no more.
We can still do things with S together. We can still do things together. But I don't want to fix anything. I'm ready for it to end. It already has ended and I don't want to start anything over again.
I'm sorry it's come to this, I really am. But it is here. And it's got nothing to do with anyone else but me and you. I am not in love. Being in love is super important to me. I am not. And too much sh!t has happened where I'm not going to be able to get there with you again. We can be friends, we should be friends. Not just for S but for us. But that's it. It's time to go forward with the divorce. Tell me what you want and lets iron out the details and lets get it done.
I am sorry. Really and truly.
I continued to GAL and work on me. I continued to explain I would not sign. I continued on my path as best I could and tried hard to adhere to the amazing advice I was getting here and working on things with my therapist, to make changes to me that I knew I needed to make. (Mostly my temper and how I was reacting to things.)
During this time, I got some amazing perspective from my mother, who is Buddist. She said she saw her fortune teller who told her "H will be back when the season gets cold." I sort of laughed and said "Mom, I live in Florida." With slight frustration, she said "You know what he means. You understand the time frame." But she went on to say think about it, if you knew 100% that H was going to come back, how would you act right now? What would you be doing? She said you would be living and laughing and doing whatever you wanted to do. You would play with S, have fun with friends, work, play tennis, exercise and all the while laughing at his bs as it happened because you know it will end. You would live. Basically she told me to Act As If, but this was a different way of explaining it to me and I finally "got it".
Here's another email from July from H.
i am trying. i am trying to figure out what is the best thing to do with my life - kind of a scary place to be right now. i am saying that just as you need to work on sh!t on your own, i do too. we've been good for a while b/c you did stop bringing it up...(R talks) and b/c i'm still trying to figure out what's the best thing for me to do for the long haul. i know what others tell me to do. i've seen (a little too close up) what happens when you let other people sway your opinion about this stuff. that's not going to be me. so i'm going to do this at my own speed. if that's not good enough for you, i'll understand. that'll make the decision for me. but you were right about 1 thing... i want to be sure. i have always wanted to be sure. maybe my actions and decisions were a little too influenced by others leading up to this. so i need to figure this out for myself right now. i do know that i am looking forward to taking you to dinner (at the beach) for your birthday. i did have a nice time with you last weekend. since you've been a little more "interested and involved" i like staying with you more and i have always liked sleeping in the same bed with you - especailly now that you let me cuddle up more... but i still can't trust that all that isn't bullsh!t. i still can't trust that it wont all crumble in a second. so i still am not sure. and it's going to take time to get sure. i don't want to fight with you. i know you're not happy about things i did. i know you need to decide for yourself too. so let's just leave all this in the box and bury that sh!t really deep in the forest behind the house and not go dig it up ever again. i think that will start us in the right direction to figure out what we each need and really want.
you and me being really real, that is what will help us out... kay?
if this makes you angry, i'm sorry... but i don't want to talk anymore. not with you, not with anyone. i just want it all to stop.
There have been more emails and conversations about how he wants to keep working, at his pace and figuring things out, at his pace. I don't want to put my H out there on this board, but I think it would be important for you to see what can happen when you work on you AND you really really listen to them. Not to say I haven't screwed up since getting this email and I haven't had blow ups with him, I have. BUT things are SO much better now. As Mach1 says, I was finally able to "install the filter". And for all of you combating the OP.....this is important for you. Last week my therapist gave me a great analogy. (Apparently that's how I need things explained to me.) In terms of the OW, I wish she had said this to me MONTHS ago.... "W, you are like a lion. You roar. You can sit there and roar the truth at H all you want. But all he hears is yelling. He's not hearing anything you say, he only knows there's yelling and arguing AGAIN. But then OW comes along, slitering like the snake she is and whispers lies through her split tongue....smiling. And he listens because he's relaxed and NOT being yelled at. All he knows is he's not being yelled at....so he rather listen to lies than have the truth yelled at him.....stop roaring. Stop yelling."
