New to this Community seeking advice

[healthydad]

JR:
I know that being in a state of limbo can be brutal and exhausting - but that's just why you have to do exactly what you said: motivate yourself to see the positives in all this madness. And there are some positives - just think of what you've come to see about yourself - and how much you have healed in the past few months. Think of the confidence you have in yourself as a good father - and as a good man.

I think this is one of the times when you just have to acknowledge what you know - and then let it go to the best of your ability. I agree with you that your W hasn't come to a decision yet - which is exactly why you shouldn't bring up the divorce or your marriage/relationship - and just allow yourself the freedom to maintain your healthy independence.

That said - if your wife ever comes to the point of opening up to you, follow the guidelines offered in the books - accept some invitations, but not all, don't sound needy or like you're clinging to her - allow yourself the kind of confidence and independence that probably attracted her to you in the first place - just remember that who you were then was who you are for yourself - you didn't become someone different for her to fall in love with you - which is, I think, one of the mistakes that people sometimes make with this process - namely, confusing the differences between changing their core selves and improving on bad habits - not that I think you're making this mistake - I'm just kind of thinking out loud at the moment...and realizing that sometimes we forget that improving ourselves doesn't always mean getting rid of what it was in us that someone first fell in love with - rather - improving ourselves should mean that we purge ourselves of bad habits that we've sometimes developed over the course or a relationship - since who we are in relationships is often very different from who we are on our own...maybe that's where some of the problems start...I don't know.

What do you have planned for the weekend?

Is there any way you might be able to make plans to visit your boys? Even just for a weekend? You don't have to see your W much - but I think it could give you some comfort to know when you'll see them again (I've got the same thoughts on my mind in terms of my S12).

Do something fun this weekend, JR. Something for you.

-Carlos.

[JR09]

Veronica and Carlos,

You guys are my regular sounding board and I really appreciate all your input. True lifesavers, that's who you both are. I should be asking you also how you are doing. Please forgive me for failing to do so. I hope this finds both of you well.

I know I need to refocus and live in the NOW. I haven't planned anything at all for the weekend, other than sleeping in one morning to recover from all week's event...I couldn't help but thinking about this affidavit for case retention filed by my W's lawyer. It put a really damp on my morning. I tried to put on a gameface at work, but I broke down in the car as I drove home for lunch.
I kept asking myself where have I failed? What else can I do? I tried to tell myself that I have done well and that I need to carry on and not backtrack on my improvements. I am not mad at my W. I just wish she could see the new "me".
Anyway. I have to regain my composure, stand up, and keep walking. I will...maybe not today, but tomorrow.

Thanks again Veronica and Carlos.I hope you are both doing well. Sorry if I am whining. I just needed to talk.

JR

[VeronicaV]

JR,

I am not one to encourage mindreading...I am a recovering mindreader, as you probably realize by now, but you really seem to be struggling with what all of this means so I am going to give you an alternative. Not because I think this is a good thing to do, rather, because I hope it will show you (and me for that matter)that there are always so many possible explanations for actions taken by others that guessing is futile. Here goes:

I am an attorney and while I do not practice domestic law, I am a litigator and I will tell you that missing a deadline in our business is among the worst mistakes an attorney can make. It is entirely possible that your wife's attorney contacted her, reminded her of the impending deadline, sent her an affidavit to sign and then filed it. It may mean nothing more than that.

I do not like contributing to analyzing the reasons behind the actions of others. I really have no better idea of why your wife did what she did than you have. I did this because you are doing so well in staying focused on yourself and I do not want to see you get derailed. Hold on to all you have accomplished and keep it up. I know all about these moments you are facing and how very hard they can be to get through.

It's okay to break down and cry. In fact, it's good...feel those feelings and then refocus and get back in the moment. By thinking and overthinking about the motivations of another, all we really do is breathe life into our own fear. In these moments, I like to read and reread that article that Carlos added to your thread as a link. It provides me a lot of peace.

Trust that you will be okay no matter what and you will.

V.

[healthydad]

JR,
I would never say that you're whining. This is painful stuff to go through - some of the toughest I can imagine - I just think of how you compared parting with your sons to your time in war...and it's clear how hard all this stuff is. While my situation differs from yours in many ways (which I'm relieved you don't have to deal with), what we have in common is the profound sorrow that going through this brings upon us at times.

Also...don't forget that your W's lawyer is just doing his/her job - and I doubt there's much emotional investment in the decision to keep the divorce open for him or her.

I know how important it is to keep that game face on - I did it all of last year - and it wore me out sometimes.

As for your question about what else can you do and where have you failed - I think those are normal questions - and they're questions I imagine a lot of us have asked ourselves during this difficult time - but those questions can distract us from the big picture - which is that while we might have let our partners down in some regards, both people bring to the relationship issues from their own lives - and the breakdown of a relationship sometimes just means that things have reached a critical point for at least one person in the marriage - and at that point a lot of evaluation takes place. Sometimes that evaluation leads to growth for both people - sometimes it leads to growth for just one person - but it always changes things - and makes things clearer somehow.

How often do you talk with your W?

When you do talk, do you try to just listen - and not interfere with her thoughts, words, hopes, fears?

From all that you've said, it didn't seem to me like you should be dark when it comes to your W - that's very much an extreme response to an extreme situation - and so if you still have some possibilities of communication, by all means, keep them open - just do so with a perspective shift - talking with her as an exercise in listening, rather than wanting to be heard - and remembering that if she's sharing anything with you about why she's unhappy that you should not disagree with her or argue with her - sometimes what she might say is clear as day to her - sometimes it comes from her own pain and confusion - and either way - listening, being there to listen - and not to solve, interfere or question her is a way to express your detached, healthy love without imposing your will on her in any way.

If you can, keep communication open - just avoid talking about marriage, divorce, the future - any of that...listen and validate - offer your support for her decisions (even and especially the decisions that seem to pull her away from you) - since it's so very true that love is more powerful when it does not tether the one we love.

So...have you come up with any weekend plans yet? I'm planning on making myself a great breakfast on Sunday morning. Just for me - and eating out on my balcony as the sun rises. It's a plan for a quiet morning - on my first Sunday alone in months - and after breakfast I'm hoping to head out to a beach - throw myself in the sand and read and write...I have a torn ACL, so going into the water doesn't hold much promise.

Oh...one last thing...I understand that wish that your W could see the new you...and that makes a ton of sense...but I would say that she gets hints of the new you through your relationship with your children - and through any conversation she has with you - however brief. Don't spend too much time wishing for that - just allow it to be so - trust in your changes enough, and everyone perceives them - even through the phone.

You will be fine.

-Carlos.

[MichelleLT]

Sorry to hear that the extension was filed, but as you pointed out that doesn't mean she's in any rush.

Just keep showing her the new and improved you through your interactions with the children and your phone calls.

Sleeping in is a great plan for the weekend lol. I don't know if it helps you, but I find getting out of the house way more helpful than being inside. The sunshine just makes me feel better. I hope you get a chance to enjoy some of the summer.

[JR09]

Veronica,

Thanks for the reasurance. I value your input as a lawyer. Legal matters are a nebulous world to me, so I don't grasp the meaning of all the legalese language. You are absolutely right about mindreading: it only hurts the one who engages in it.

My mind gets filled with a whirlwind of thoughts which only bring me to tears and get me emotionally drained. I know the correct answer to this: stop the mindreading. I haven't gone this far in becoming whole again to revert back to what I used to do before my W left...I know better...

I WILL hold on to my accomplishments. I tell myself I am still a good person divorced or not. And you are one good friend Veronica. Thanks for keeping me grounded.

JR

[JR09]

Michelle,

Good to hear from you. After I sleep in SAT morning, I always end up going to the gym to do PT. Letting it all out on a treadmill and lifting weights is one of my favorite forms of therapy. Church on SUN fuels me with the faith I need to soldier on for the next week.

I hope you are doing well Michelle. Thanks for checking in.

JR

[MichelleLT]

I can't do treadmills. I get too bored and it's too easy to walk away. Out and back runs on the other hand....once you get out....you gotta get home lol. Plus the scenery changes.

The gym is definitely a life-saver.

[VeronicaV]

JR,

Great post...glad to hear that determination.

When you have some time, I suggest you read through some of Carlos's thread. While your stories are different in many ways, your inner strength and dedication to survival and success for yourselves and for your children is very similar.

He has been to hell and back and I have learned a great deal about strength (and what that really means) courage, grace and dignity from him. He was one of my earliest supporters when I first came here and I am glad he is sharing his thoughts with you.

V.

[JR09]

Carlos,

I hope I'll be fine. In the long run, being fine is only up to one person: me. So I can't blame it on anybody else if I'm not feeling good...Thanks for the advice about talking with my W.

I do call her each week to say Hi. She really doesn't say much but that's OK. I ask her about the boys, her parents, her health, her school classes. Occasionally she asks about me, my parents. So there seems to be really not much for me to listen to, so I end up doing most of the talking. Maybe she really listens. No idea.

Here is how my day was today: I got the news about the affidavit through a website. That threw me off. I still had to go to work and put on my gameface. I work as a staff officer in te Army. No time to mop around and show emotion. Got to soldier on. Then I finally end my long day, climb in the car and fight back the tears. I come to an empty home and sit there doing nothing looking at my family pictures, fantasizing that my W will soon knock on the door with the kids after parking her van in the driveway. Not much GALing during the week because I am so tired from work. I hate it.

Anyway, life must go on. I thank you for the motivation and the reasurance.

JR