Husband left me for OW

[keepthefaith75]

OK, So I am having a really hard time today. I hate this roller coaster ride. I hear of my H spending weekends with OW and doing things with her that he never wanted to do when he was with me. Things he said he just wasn't interested in doing, like going to waterparks and such. I know he's doing them with her now because they are in the "new" phase and they will do whatever they have to to make each other happy. I am so upset today. I had a few good days where I was feeling like I would just move on and leave him in the past, and today I woke up missing him like crazy and just wanting him back. It is so difficult being 1000 miles apart from each other. Doesn't make the DB easy at all. I feel like I am "out of sight, out of mind". I just want him to come home.

[DCBHM]

I've been there. It does get easier if you keep yourself busy. I find that cleaning, exercising, and doing things with the kids keeps my mind off of things.

Last time I went through the D process I was able to get my mind right by doing yard work with an axe taking down trees and hauling the pieces off to a burn pile.

Keep the faith... goes without saying I'm sure.

[Arwen_in_NJ]

KTF-

I am in a very similar situation to yours- http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1811031&page=1

I think my W is having a mid-life crisis. Your H may be as well, even if he is not yet at "midlife".

Here is what seems to be working so far for me: detach, detach, detach. Drop the rope. Get a life, get busy, take care of myself, don't wait around for her to get home, be out having fun, be a little mysterious. Be the greener grass (I love that one!)

Here is what definitely has NOT worked for me: talking about how good the relationship was (she has a totally different perspective, and right now she sees only what wasn't working between us); telling her how painful it is for me (she wants me to acknowledge how painful it is for HER); telling her she is making a mistake.

It is a road she is going to have to walk and figure out herself. If that other relationship blows up, and I am pretty sure it will, I may or may not still be available to put things back together, depending on how long it takes her fog to lift. Every day apart is more water under the bridge- but at least for now there still IS a bridge.

What I am not doing and will not do, until/unless a D is final, is get physically or emotionally involved with someone else. I actually had to say no to sleeping with someone last night- tough to do after no sex for 8 months. But this board is full of stories of folks that have incredibly complicated their reconciliations because they had an affair while/because their partner had an affair.

Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? Do it.

[keepthefaith75]

I have read DR twice now. I am trying so hard. There are days I want him back and some days I just want to throw in the towel and just give up. This is such a tough road to travel.

Today has been difficult already. I found an old letter he wrote to me where he was saying how much he loved me and that he loved me so much he believed we could overcome any obstacle we come across. In the letter he said he would give his own life up for me if that's what it took to prove his love and that he would love me this entire lifetime and even the years that followed.

I thought about mailing that letter to him. I don't know.

Then he called me yelling at me about something I told his mother. I have received a few weird text messages on my phone that appeared to come from the OW. She denies it, Of course! He believes her. I told his mom about the messages and when she spoke to him she told him that if that was the type of person he wanted to be with then she wanted nothing to do with her. He told his mom he wanted to bring her home to meet his family and she told him not to. She told him she doesn't want to meet the OW, and doesn't know if she'll ever want to meet her. So he blames his mother's feelings on me. He says I am the one who is turning his family against OW. So I just said, no, YOU are the one who ran off with another woman. YOU are the one who created this situation. Not me. He then told me that I didn't need to add to it by talking to his family about it. I told him that his family loves me, and they call ME to ask how I am doing...so I tell them...

I am so afraid he is pulling farther and farther away, and I don't know how to stop that! He also told his mom that the OW is now a part of his life and she needed to accept that.

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Re-read DR again. You are doing things that are pushing him away. Stop it.

DON'T read old letters- it's really hard, but you just get into wallowing in your pain, and not thinking about what you need to do to take care of yourself.

DON'T involve his family, even if they are calling you. That is going to p*ss him off and push him away. Just tell them you are doing the best you can to take care of yourself, and leave it at that.

DON'T get into the "YOU did this, YOU ran off" blame game. Again, it will just push him away. If he expresses angry emotions at you, just say "I am sorry you feel that way". STAY AWAY FROM RELATIONSHIP DISCUSSIONS! You are not speaking with a rational person!

My DB coach told me to use this tool before I say or do anything to my partner: "Would K say that what I was about to do or say was going to push her away, bring her closer, or just be neutral?". Good tool for you to step back and analyze your interaction before you open your mouth.

My partner has left me for OW. We had a 16 year relationship that I thought, and most friends agreed, was great. Now, my partner tells me that we had issues that were unresolved from the beginning of our relationship and she got tired of trying to get me to fix MY issues. She wants me to acknowledge that we are not breaking up because she is involved with someone else, but that our relationship was so broken she didn't want to try to fix it anymore. Funny, but the month before she went to IL for the new job, she ASKED me to buy her a new wedding ring (the stones in the old one were broken), so everyone in the office would know she was married!

I could remind her of this, and of all the good times we had and love we shared, but she doesn't want to hear it now. Nothing I say will change her perspective until she is ready to change it, and that will only come with time. I suspect it is the same with your H....

[keepthefaith75]

Oh my. THANK YOU. You are so right. This is why I love coming here...I need people to put me in my place...because I don't know what to do or say.

It seems like when we talk he just gets angry and that is NOT the response I want from him. So what should I do now after this morning's episode? Should I apologize for making him angry or just leave it alone and act differently the next time I speak to him?

Before this all happened with us, people would refer to us as the "perfect" couple. We were happy, never fought, had fun together...people envied what we had. Until H fell off the deep end, met someone else and within 2 weeks decided this OW was the love of his life. Amazing how some people can just switch off their feelings so easily.

i wouldn't even mention it. if he brings it up, change the subject. if he starts getting angry or yelling, get off the phone. he needs to realize that you (or anyone for that matter) are not there for him to yell at...

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Since what you are doing is not working (it is a "cheeseless tunnel") you need to do things differently. Do a 180. Figure out the things you might need to change, for YOU, and start to do them.

Get a different haircut. Don't be home when he calls. Don't be quick to answer his texts or e-mails. Let him wonder about you. Take up a new hobby, or get back involved in an old one. Do SOMETHING to get yourself out of the mental hamster wheel of always thinking about him and what he is doing.

Re-read the book. ;-) There is a game plan in there.

[keepthefaith75]

So last night I didn't call H back...I just left the situation alone. His mother called me and she told me how she spoke to my H last night and he wasn't as irate as he was earlier in the day. She reminded him of all the hurt and pain he has caused.

Then as I lay down to go to bed, I prayed. I didn't say my usual prayer asking God to intervene and break up H's R with OW. I simply asked that H really realize the hurt and pain he is causing. I asked that when H woke up this morning, his head be filled with guilt and remorse.

So just a few minutes ago, H called me. He called me and said he just wanted to apologize for the way he acted yesterday towards me. That he knows this is very hard for me and it is hard for him as well. He said he just wants things to go smoothly and for us to be able to remain friends. I told him I appreciated his call. He then told me to have a good day and I told him to have a good day as well, and that was it. Short and cordial.

[dday101798]

So just a few minutes ago, H called me. He called me and said he just wanted to apologize for the way he acted yesterday towards me. That he knows this is very hard for me and it is hard for him as well. He said he just wants things to go smoothly and for us to be able to remain friends. I told him I appreciated his call. He then told me to have a good day and I told him to have a good day as well, and that was it. Short and cordial.

Well that shows promise for the situation, and that some prayers don't go unanswered.