Young couple in need of help

[cpfullofhope]

What exactly did she say about the relationship that made your feel you couldn't help yourself?

You do realize you are being hooked and reeled in. Back peddle as fast as you can. Say I am just trying to have a nice evening and figure these few things out. I don't want to get into it with you and DON'T. As long as she can get you to fight with her she can justify her behavior in her own mind. I think it would be great if you could get into IC and work with someone on how to not get caught up in that cr**. You are not going to be able to tell he anything about her behavior now or any time in the near future and have her react with understanding.

[sumguy27]

She started to talk about what happened last week when I confronted the OM. And then it went right back to us blaming each other and for things, blaming friends on picking sides, and it just blew the F up.

God it was so nice to finally just having the family together for a moment. Our friends who live upstairs I even invited to come try some because she always talks about that dish to her friends. The kids were happy for a momment.

Yes I should have just left when she started to bring up the R. It was hard not too get into it with her. Then when I brought up some good articles I found on DB and was going through it, she laughed and said wtf are you doing with a book?

Damn I feel horrible I didn't want to argue with her at all. I just wanted a nice night. I felt like I should have never went there in the first place.

[sumguy27]

She says I always blame her. I always try and win the fight. I always blame someone else but me. When I clearly said it was my fault to begin with. That we should stop the blaming game and find a solution. Damn. I hate this I just want my family back and stop arguing with her about the same stuff over and over again.

[Stronger]

Everything cpfullofhope wrote is very important for you to understand.

Stop with expectations.

Stop with the R talks. YOU WILL NOT CONVINCE HER OF ANYTHING.
Anything you suggest she will take the opposite stance.
You say the sky is blue, nope it's black.
You say Hi, she says bye.

You are the LAST person to tell her anything. The grocery clerk is going to have more influence over her than you.

Stick to the tactical stuff only for now. That's as close to relationship talk you should get. And the tactical stuff, cars, bills etc. That needs to be established so you both understand the finances and who's picking up the kids, etc. While you're separated, this stuff is still important and needs to be dealt with.

Stop fighting with her. Look, do it just once. Have a nice night with her. Do NOT let her get you in a fight. She says you're stupid, you say, I do have my stupid moments. She says you smell, you say, there are times in the day when I'm not my freshest. She says You're a bad father, you suck it up, you do NOT take the bait, and you say I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't agre with you so maybe in the future, you and I will be able to agree on that since it's important. AND SAY NOTHING ELSE. She has to get you to fight with her so she can tell everyone about the fights. If you stop, she looks like a selfish child having a temper tantrum.

If you want to save this R, you have to stop the fighting. And seriously, isn't that really what you want? Neither of you are going to win. So stop.

[Stronger]

You can do it R, I know you can.

And now I want some Thai king crab legs! next time don't tell me what yummy dish you made!

[sumguy27]

I love her so much it hurts the bones. I love my kids with every ounce of strength I have. This what I want. I want my family back. I want to portect her. When I saw her I just wanted to break down and hold her and just make out with her like old time sake.

I didn't expect no return after I cooked. I just told her I missed cooking for you. I missed doing this. I missed us both together with the kids. For a split momment it was like the old days.

She took a lot of energry out of me last night. I feel like giving up but I can't either.

Stronger I only make the dish on special occasions.since growing up with just sisters and my mom, they taught me how to cook. Plus I get creative with cooking. And when I envision who I'm cooking it for it taste even better for them. Since we have seperated, I haven't cooked a good meal like that. I did spoil her a lot before because I was the better cook and I wanted to show my appreciation. Even my ramen noodles taste better then hers she said.

I'm worn out. I'm trying hard to not give up. I keep thinking about my kids future. The fartest her thoughts went was what are we going to do during winter?

[Stronger]

Rabbitae86,
I know. Everyone here knows what you feel like....it's hell. There's no other way to describe it.

But for now, you have to keep fighting and you have to keep that positive mental attitude. (PMA).

Let's talk about this first....what are you doing to Get A Life? It's very important for many reasons. The most important for me was that no matter what happened if I was GALing I would not have to look back and wonder why I spent so many days alone and sad. Don't let this take your life from you. Enjoy your babies. You know how fast they grow up. Please, GAL for you.

The other benefit is that it's sexy. It's a turn on that you aren't at home moping and feeling sorry for yourself and her reaction maybe "Hey, he can live without me....oh crap, I can't let that happen! I'm gonna go have fun with him, he's not doing that without me!"

Make a list of what you do for you.

Then you really really have to concentrate on your time together, even if it's just 2 mins. exchanging the kids to dinner at home as a family, as comfortable as possible. It's doesn't have to be swinging from the roof fun, just comfortable so in the future, those 2 mins. exchanges turns into 30 mins. conversations because she's not worry about a fight and family dinners become more frequent.

When you do invite her to do things, expect she may say no, but when you ask, make it clear "We are going to go do this whether you come or not." Her answer doesn't impact your plans.

You have to be a chef of you now. Meaning you have to make yourself into a gourmet meal millions of women would want to get a bite of....got me? And as you make yourself the best self you can be...the rest will fall in line. You may just save your marriage.

If her choice is to hang out with angry bitter you or happy fun OM....guess who she'll choose? No brainer.

And this will be hard R. I can promise you that. But you can do it.

I've been doing this for 9 months now. And while I will say things have gotten better, I can't say it's gotten easier.

I'm in this with you. You can do it.

[sumguy27]

This is the email I recieved from her today:

You know what we can never get to gether and talk out our situation. Lets just get down to the point. You want to work things out but I don't. You say your gonna keep on fighting for us to be together but its not gonna happen. Afther all the Sh*t that you have down without even thinking you screw it all up already. I was thinking bout reconsidering things when I thought things were almost okay but you f***ed it up. And this time I'm standing up to my words and not willing to try to fix us. You just gonna have to accpet it.

As for the car I'll pay half didn't you say that it was 2 something? As for the phone since you still want it then you either decide to put it under your account or if you still want it under my account then your gonna have to drop the price down on the car and insurance. As for the kids I'm not quite sure yet because I know its gonna be hard during the winter time. I was suggesting 2 weeks with you and 2 weeks with me or a month or 2 with you and same with me. You decided on what you think is right or fair.

You can sit her and wish that this happy family is gonna come back together well its not. You may think that I'm not thinking about the kids well I do always. you act as if I'm just gonna run off and be with someone without thinking bout my kids but think again I know. I'm not that f***ing stupid okay. So what If I don' show my feelings or express myself? You already know that I'm that kind of person. Just cuz I don't have any emotions doesn't mean that I dont care about my kids or anything else geez.

[Stronger]

Blah blah blah.

Don't believe a word of that.

The only thing you even need to acknowledge right there is the tactical stuff. Decide how to split the bills fairly. And remember BE CAREFUL with texts and emails. It's a record that can be used against you. Obviously, keep this email, it works both ways.

Do NOT acknowledge any part of that email that was negative or mean. It's purpose was to hurt you. So don't let it.

Concentrate on the tactical stuff, make good fair decisions and purpose them to her. Do NOT acknowledge the rest. Throw her for a loop. Get her off balance. She's playing tough guy. You play neutral guy. Which in this case is the bigger person.

You can do this. She's only lashing out.

[sumguy27]

Yeah It was hard last night because I was being different at first. I was cheerful smiled at her. After she ate i was holding my little girl and when she was falling alseep in my arms she was the one to initiate the conversation. Its even harder when the R is brought up. Its hard not to start a screaming match with her I should have just left but I did the wrong thing and pushed and pushed again.

I guess I'm going to try the Hmong way of things tomorrow night and talk with her father and his clan. The thing that sucks is my clan is never really there for my family since we have converted to Christianity when I was young. So I will have to face her elders and her father alone with the Hmong way of things. The scary part is just being there to fend for myself. Normally your suppose to show up with your elders also and both elders acts as mediators. This is the mature Hmong way to handle things I guess.

That part of reconsidering things made me boggle my mind. I replied saying that she should have at least let me know so I'm not assuming things and been more direct with me. That she knows how I am right now also if she could have just said that and for me to not to do anything stupid then I wouldn't have F it up. I guess thats what everyone is looking for. If she would have told me there is some hope I would have acted differently and I guess not pursue her as much? I would think.