Quick up front questions….and keep in mind there are NO right or wrong answers, these are purely curiosity questions from me and really not much to do with DBing….
Would you change your name now? Did you hyphenate? What’s his background compared to yours? I don’t quite understand….
Other quick things off the top of my head….
No more apologizing. You’ve done it, he’s heard you and now he’s taking advantage of you.
If you want to give him money, fine. But I hope you stop. He left, he needs to deal.
Break downs….they are not only ok, I think they are great. Just don’t do them in front of him or anyone who will tell him. I normally have mine in the shower, but they are few and far between now, which I’m soooo grateful for. But I did embrace the release it gave me afterward. I felt like I was clearing out the toxins!
Do NOT talk to his buddy. The only way I would let you do this is if we knew 100% he would be sympathetic to you and would go to H and tell him to work it out and H would say “You’re right friend, I’ll go home right now.” And since we don’t know that, leave it alone. Maybe revisit that in the future, but right now NO talking to the friend.
WASs….the number one tactic…pick as many fights as possible. It helps them justify walking away and their behavior. It’s so funny….in the our dating days, H would tell me he loved how in charge I was….not he calls me controlling. Yes, things they once loved about you are now annoying. It’s fascinating really. They think you’re outgoing….then later you’re a flirt. Truly, this is one of the most fascinating parts of relationships from me….how rose tinted glasses change to red.
Any-hoo.
STRONGER, anything you did to encourage husband to reconsider his stance?
Now that we are at this point, dating (and I still have moments when I want to reach across and strangle him….I am by no means off my roller coaster ride yet) I can look back and see what worked for me and what didn’t.
First of all, my best advice I can give you that had the most impact for me was GALing.
Second, I got into therapy. I had to work on some issues. I knew it and him leaving finally gave me that push to seek help. This was for me and other’s would benefit once I got my temper and other issues under control. I’m making great progress here and I like the new me and my new way of reacting to things. Don’t get me wrong, I still slip, but not anywhere near like I was.
Number three on the list of what worked: I got results from him when I gave up which for me was accidentally detaching. I understand what everyone says and means when they tell each other to DETACH. I honestly couldn’t do it on purpose for the LONGEST time, but what encouraged me to learn was when I would detach by accident, when I would give up. I’d give up. He’d make effort.
For example, H pissed me off ROYALLY. I said no more. I told him I was moving out of our house and at this time, he was staying with a friend. He tried to stop me. I said no and moved in with a friend who is married with a pretty big house and me and S had lots of privacy. I was there for four months and loved it. That was in February. When I moved out, it force him to move back in. And he did. That was the first time H really looked at me and thought “Oh sh!t….she really might leave….she really might agree to this divorce.” And the week I moved out, I would have. The first weekend after I moved out, he and I had our first R talk that was productive. Every time before that, he was talking about D.
Fourth, I look better now than I have my whole life. It’s pure vanity. Nothing else. But when he left and there was the OW….man, that hurt the ego. But still, I did this for me. I gained weight from the baby that I still hadn’t lost. I was now motivated to get rid of that extra weight. (The “I’m getting divorced diet” helped….but then I smacked myself and started eating the right way again.) But I did the physical stuff for me….it helped to motivate me that I know H wants a sexy wife he can be proud of, but ultimately, my weight loss was for me and I’m pretty happy about it. It’s hard to do and I admire anyone who can drop poundage! Plus, after S my cholesterol was out of control. I’ve now got a very low count and that’s something long term that’s good for me.
Finally for now, I’ll end this list of what worked with this: I continued to do certain things for H….I know this is not necessarily what would work for other’s but it worked for me. I continued to do our laundry. It’s odd, but I love housework. It’s always relaxed me. I love a clean house. So I continued to do the house work. I was able to come to this decision because I am willing to do this for the rest of my life for me and H and son.
I continued to ML with H. Our sex life hit a dip after S because of the 60 pounds I gained, but it was still a pretty strong point in our relationship. So after talking with my therapist and DB Coach, I did ML with H, but only let him initiate it. Not only did this work for me as it kept him close to me, it was something that only would I do for the rest of my life, I would miss.
Ok, so what didn’t work?
Screaming. Yelling. Fighting. Didn’t matter how right I was, none of that worked.
Going dark did not work for me. It just gave him the all clear sign to call OW and talk to her, therefore allowing that relationship to blossom. But in hindsight, I still didn’t know about her during that time. That was about three weeks long. So not too bad, but I now know a lot of bonding happened in that time. If I had known I would have started my “affarius interuptus” as Puppy Calls it by calling once a night to just say good night and catch up with him.
And there’s other stuff but your situation is different since you don’t have a child and seemingly don’t have the debt H and I have! Which oddly enough, I’m grateful for, all things considered.
I am no expert but I think at this point, you have given him all he needs to know that you are serious about working on this. So stop telling him, stop asking.
Something else, that worked for me….My H would ask me to sign papers almost every day in late March into early April. I said No and once I said Maybe. But every other time it was No, not until we seek professional counseling, which he was opposed to and still to this day will not go. I am pretty sure his lawyer told him what mine told me: Yes, you’ll get your divorce but first, she will get her counseling. Once the judge finds out there’s a child, he/she will send you to get the help from a professional. A judge will think about the child and doesn’t really care about either of you.
So as a compromise after he said he would CONSIDER counseling I found a program on line that is an at home Marriage Fitness Program. It was pretty decent to good for us. We haven’t completed it yet, because I’m not going to push, but there is one more chapter we have to do that deals with EAs. (And that’s pretty important for us to listen to I think/know.) You could do the same….up to you….fight the divorce until he goes to Retro with you. Keep in mind, my H was not happy about the Marriage Fitness program but he did it and made a pretty good effort into it. I have seen some positives from it. And I think he would agree, but I haven’t asked him.
I’ll keep checking in with you. Stay strong. It’s an amazing ride where you learn much about yourself.
