M: "Did you talk to OM yesterday?" - I know this was a stupid mistake. W: "Yes. I talk to him everyday." ... W: "I would like an opportunity to explore a relationship with him." M: "Then you need to go. You are blatantly breaking our vows. You need to go." - at this point I was angry W: "You are right I need to go." M: "You might as well start looking for places. You can do it tomorrow instead of coming to my work picnic."
I feel pretty bad right now. I am dissappointed in myself for losing my cool.
I can't say I didn't see this coming. I'm not sure how you're able to document your conversations in such a detailed way (do you record via voice recorder?) but if they're as accurate as you lay them out here, I really did telegraph this a while back, especially with the mention of the open apartment the other day and other such nonsense and doing all of this, ie. having an affair, to "make our relationship better"?!
Don't feel bad, your reaction wasn't bad, it was called for, you were probably calmer than I was if your description was accurate. Putting your foot down and setting boundaries is the requirement.
Couple things, the financial stress you mentioned: please don't fall into the trap of thinking that you have to finance her new place - you don't, part of leaving you and exploring a relationship with the OM is going to involve her having to take care of those finances. If she currently earns more than you do, another part of that reality may involve her paying you for child support. If you checked out SP's thread, his wife tried to make him fall into the trap of not requesting child support because she made more money than him and because he was a man and it's just not a manly thing to do to have your wife "support" you, that was her consequence for her action, he didn't fall for it, it affects her now more than she anticipated, her affair ended and I believe she is now pursuing SP for marriage counselling and possibly dating and he's detached so much now that he's feeling like a WAS now that she is starting to pursue him.
I'm going to say it again, you didn't do anything wrong.
Since you have had this much conversation with your wife and you are finally putting boundaries in place, maybe you can fit in something else. Maybe mention to her that you are now confused about your relationship with her, how easy it is for her leave the marriage to pursue a relationship with the OM. What are her thoughts on you starting to date other women, if anything to examine the feelings she's experiencing with the OM from a first-hand perspective. Ask her what her feelings are about that? Will her response be: "that's a good idea" or "you are just trying to hurt me the way I'm hurting you".
If it's no big deal to her if you start to date other women while she pursues a relationship with the OM, that may be indicative of her overall feelings towards you, maybe she checked out of this marriage a long time ago and she's just been going through the motions to see if it was possible to rekindle her feelings for you and it hasn't happened.
And don't get me started on that crap script line of her, the "... Love you but I'm not IN LOVE WITH YOU...". I swear that must be the first line in the WAS script book, first page in said book commands you to learn that line, rehearse and say it often because it has so much meaning. NOT!
Anyone ever ask what that line means. "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you", I'll tell you it isn't about love at all, it's the difference between 2 specific states neither of which are love. It says I care about you but I'm not excited about you and I'm looking for this excitement that is so elusive. Caring is a good thing, it means you show concern but I wouldn't call concern the same thing as love. You can be concerned about the person in the news who was in some wicked car accident and you hope they'll recover ok but you don't love that person.
Being excited about someone is a good thing but it's not love either. It would be exciting for me to meet Bill Gates or Brad Pitt or Anjolina Jolie (very exciting to meet Anjolina), president of United States, etc. but I wouldn't call it love.
When the WAS uses that script, they seem to think that they know about two different loves but I would say they don't know much about love and are really very confused about what love means and it's probably why they're having an affair, thinking they'll find exciting "love". Say the WAS leaves the present spouse, divorces, hooks up with the new spouse, in most cases I guarantee that this person will wake up a few years later feeling the same feelings except they'll be lying next to a different body in their bed and wondering how they ended up in this mess all over again.
ILYBINILWY.... the infamous WAS script. It's a cop out. It really means that this person has no clue how to make their marriage last, so they're leaving their marriage, pursuing an affair with another person to experience the short-term high of excitement which inevitably always wears off. Nothing is new forever, eventually they'll be saying the same thing to the other person if that person doesn't tell it to them first.
The unfortunate thing Tristan is that you are too close to her to make her understand any of this, she can't believe you even if you tell her the sky is blue, if the OM tells her it's orange, she'll believe him over you. That's the state she's in.
She (your wife) needs a wake up call, ask her what she thinks about you dating other women now that you are separated to try and experience what she is going through right now and your excuse is that you are seeing if that experience will make your marriage better or if it will open your eyes to the fact that maybe this separation and eventual divorce is really a good idea after all.
Whatever you do, you will hopefully not compete with the OM anymore.
