J.Stosny's book Love without Hurt.... highly recommend it..
states that once you are past 2 drinks, being able to find your compassion to keep from being abusive (for past abusers) is not possible... that may explain his actions after being at the bar.
No doubts all of us (WAW) that give them 2nd, 3rd and 1000 chances have serious rethinking going on at some point.
You will know when enough is enough. I'm glad you are finding friends who listen & support you.. that is priceless.
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I've been thinking about you, Lost. I hope your week is going well after the rough weekend. I can understand why you're being quiet around H- a little time to sort your thoughts isn't a bad idea. Does it bother him?
Yes it bothers him. I have been talking to him about the 'household' things and that is about all. I try not to talk to him about my feelings or what I am thinking. I feel like I get no where with it.
Also the doctor put me on some new meds that I can honestly say are making me extremely moody. Since I know that I am moody, I think that it is better not to talk to him. I worry that me being moddy will just make things worse. I guess I am going mute on my M right now.
The week was uneventful. Lots of things going on with the back to school stuff. Over the weekend I went to my sister's house and helped her with some stuff then went to friends' house afterwards. My H called me and I did not answer, I felt that he would ruin my good mood so I did not want to answer. Needless to say when he asked me about it today, I told him the truth. He got upset with me. I stayed calm and just said that it was the second time that he had asked me a direct question (last weekend being the first time about weather I trusted him or not) and I had answered it truthfully and he got angery with me. I asked him if he wanted me to lie to him from now on so that I did not tell him my true feelings about stuff. He got mad and hung up on me.
I guess I should have stayed mute!
I got lots of stuff going on this week and I will stay pretty busy. That is always good since when I am busy, I don't think about the crap hole that my M is in right now.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Not much has changed. H is at work right now so things are usually better when he's gone since we talk less and aren't around each other to bug each other a bunch.
he will be coming home soon. Not excited about it cause he has started talking all about sex this and sex that and what he wants sexually when he gets home.
What about me? I have had a really trying week. I have been having these medical problems, which actually gets worse during and after sex, and I am just plainly not caring about sex right now.
But what does hubby want and care about??? SEX!!! He is even going so far as to tell me what fantasy he has been thinking about this past week and that he would really like me to fulfill it when he gets home.
Great to know that hubby has nothing better to do with his time except think about sex.
Where's the 'I am sorry I treated you bad', 'I am sorry you had a bad week', "I am sorry that you are feeling bad right now'???
I am just venting. Don't mind me.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Wednsday nite, tried to talk to my H about a huge bill that came in that we needed to take care of right away. He did not call me back for a long time and when he finally did, he was drunk. Had gone out with the guys on the crew.
I have no problem with this any other time but it really upset me that he could not have returned the call right when he got off of work, took care of it with me, and then went and did his thing with the guys.
Anyway, he ended up getting upset with me because I was upset with him and he went into a long drawn out tirad about how I don't trust him and that I think that he was doing something wrong with an OW. Saying that I had accused him of it. I had not at all. I asked him if he was feeling guily about something that he had done that night. I also asked him how many beers he had drank. He said 3. Now the MC told us both that he did not want us to drink anymore than 3 drinks if we drank at all. I am not a drinker so this was easy for me. But I could tell he was drunk. He kept saying that he had not drank no more than 3 drinks. I finally figured it out so I asked him how big the drinks were. They were 36 ounce beers, which ment that he had actually had 9 beers in all.I still think he wasn't telling the full truth cuz he was drunk. I felt like he had lied to me about something so simple. He said that he had told me the truth but that I had not asked the question the right way the first time. GRRRRR!!!!
Either way, the convo went pretty bad so I just hung up on him and refused to take any more of his calls. The next morning he called me around 5 in the morning, (I am on call 24/7 with my job so I did not look when I answered). He was saying something about me not letting him be a part of this family and always pushing him away. I hung up.
Fast forward, and yesterday, I start getting text messages from him, saying stuff like what does he need to do so that I can let this go and never bring it up again and that he loves me and wants to make our M work. I did not feel like talking about our R while I was busy at work so I just texted back that I was busy. He says well think about it. I say fine.
About an hour later, he starts texting that he misses me, and starts telling me what he misses (all sexual) and tells me that he hasn't been able to think about anythign else all day, that he has a deal for me that includes him getting to have lots of sex when he get home. I fell for it and asked what the hell did I get out of a deal like that. Answer from him: My cock in your face and you taking it all. I told him that I did not want to deal. He keeps it up and I finlly get mad and text him that he is so wrong and that I was at the doctor's office and was not going to text him anymore. I shut my phone off.
When appointment was done, I turned phone back on and a text had come through that said let him know when I was done there. I text done to him. He wanted to know what was going on, I told him sh*t. (my exact word) He called and wanted to know what was happening, I told him that I had two choices to try and fix what my problem was and that neither was very good. He said he was sorry and wished that he could make things better. Thanks I said, then he asked if I was willing to take the deal he had ofered. I said no and hung up.
Is there a good ending to this, I really don't think so. I see a D still in our future.
STILL GETTING NOWHERE FAST!!!!!!
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
About an hour later, he starts texting that he misses me, and starts telling me what he misses (all sexual) and tells me that he hasn't been able to think about anythign else all day, that he has a deal for me that includes him getting to have lots of sex when he get home. I fell for it and asked what the hell did I get out of a deal like that. Answer from him: My c**k in your face and you taking it all. I told him that I did not want to deal.
I know how you feel, Lost. My H has said the exact same thing to me, lots of times, the only difference being that he was sober when he did. I'm sorry your H wasn't more sympathetic to your medical situation, and I hope things turn out OK.
Obviously, I'm no expert in this, but I do think you need to re-evaluate staying in your M; if he's not making any progress in stopping his emotional abuse of you, then you have to protect your own emotional and physical health, and that of your kids. You gave him his chance to seek professional help for his problems, right? If he's not doing that, then you have to enforce that boundary. Please don't let him wear you down.
Maybe you should just tell him that you're tired of being disrespected by him and if he keeps feeling that his "magic stick" is going to solve everything, he's badly mistaken. And that maybe it was time for you to find a real man who is there for you.
Then don't respond back to him at all.
I give you credit for handling his immature antics.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Your H has a curious way of sweet-talking you to win you back.
Sorry you're going thru this.
Stuck, the only thing I'd add to what you said is not to make comments about finding a real man. He's shown a predisposition to jealousy and violence, there's no point in making an inflammatory comment like that, especially when she's not looking for another man.
Her H would glom onto a statement like that and claim there was someone else or something crazy like that. Anything but take responsibility.
