W can't break EA - not sure how to handle it

[Dia]

Ok, well now that the cat is out of the bag, you need to stick to it and not back down w/o a major concession from her re: OM. The only caveat there is the possibility of allowing input from her psych to take precedence.

Here's advice from my own sitch - even if the two of you separate, do *not* file right away. Yes, a divorce takes time but having lawyers in the mix accelerates things both in terms of timeline and in terms of acrimony. Filing should not be done out of hurt and/or anger, which is what I did. A trial sep may give both of you what you need.

Here's something else I have been trying to wrap words around: When a woman has been sexually abused, she develops a very good radar for other sexual abusers, and abusers develop a good radar for malleable, potential victims. You would think the victims would use this radar to stay away from the abusers, but sometimes there is an unholy attraction. Yes, at some level we know precisely what X person is. But it's like rubbernecking on at an accident on the freeway. We can't not look. The subjective experience is a sick feeling deep in the pit of the stomach and a deep down knowledge that this will go badly. But intellectually, we allow ourselves to be convinced by the abuser's words, flattery, etc.

Things get especially muddy when a woman finds herself responding to an abuser's overtures with sexual arousal. That sends her on a real fast e-ticket ride to involuntary surrendering of control to the abuser. It happens quickly and insidiously. She may feel a very odd 'watching from outside her body' kind of thing. Her life with you and the children may feel unreal, as if she's watching it on TV more than living it.

A lot of people say that abused women must *want* to be abused, must think they don't deserve any better otherwise they would just leave (speaking entirely of OM here, not you)- but its NOT that clear cut. The subjective experience is not one of "Oh, I'm just worthless so I deserve this."

I'm treading on thin ice here - you may already know this or have no wish to hear it. If you want me to continue, I htink I'll leave it to you to let me know.

Here's one last thought - if you strongly believe that W is falling under the sway of a sexual predator, say this very directly to her psych - not just an OM, but a sexual predator. Perhaps the three of you (you, her, psych) should discuss the idea of in-patient treatment until her meds are fully optimized.