What does he want?

[cantbreathe]

Well, it was an okay day yesterday. No R talk, no fighting, but not much else either. When he fell asleep early last night I brought him his phone to set his alarm and he seemed grateful rather than weird about it. I sat next to him and he put his arm around my waist. Kiss and hug good night.

I am a little encouraged that he is starting to touch me a little. That is one of my goals. I am worried though that he said he loved me Monday and missed me Tuesday (see above) but did not respond at all me saying it yesterday. We've always said it at bedtime, getting off the phone, or when one of us leaves. It is very very hard not to hear it regularly. When I hear it one day and not the next - it freaks me out. It makes me want to ask him why. Especially when He moods are so changeable.

This whole thing has been 26 days since the kiss and 21 since I found out. It's been almost two weeks of no contact, but he still hasn't said he wants to be here. I feel like I could calm down if he would at least say he doesn't want to leave. He's not a talker, so I feel like I am unlikely to get that. I think that's why us acting more normally is so important to me. I feel like he'll probably show me he wants to be here and say he loves me rather than want to say it in words.

I'm sorry I'm such a needy mess right now. I am always the strong one. But now? I'm lost. I am trying to be patient. I am trying to get a life and be positive. I am journaling a lot.

Thanks to everyone for the advice so far. I am trying to have hope. I am afraid to fool myself so I am having a difficult time believing in the positive signs. Please tell me these are good things:
1. General softening - less anger
2. More will to touch me and accept affection
3. Only expresses confusion - has never said he wants to leave.
4. Says he loves me and misses me - just not consistently
5. Cut off contact with OP
6. EA only lasted 2 weeks
7. He's worried about me trusting him
8. Admits his self image is messed up by this.

Help me feel hopeful, please.