... M: "So how was the appnt with the psych" W: "It was good. I guess. He raised the dosage on my meds. He is trying to get me back to where I was in July." M: "You felt better then?" W: "Yes. I guess. A little bit. It should also help with the restlessness." M: "It's good that he thinks you can still get a little better." W: "Yes. That's Good." M: "Did he have anything else to say?" W: "He is really trying. He says that I should not make a big decission without finding the source of my ambivalence towards it." <pause> W: "I opened a checking account today." <I was a little taken back, but kept composure> M: "OK" W: "I thought we had more money in savings" <with a tint of mistrust> M: "That account is not with our bank. It is with an online brokerage. We can look at it tonight if you like." W: "Oh. OK." ...
In our room. After girls went to bed. Wife brings up a pen and paper to ask about where our financials are. I let her know everything, it is very awkward.
... W: "This is so surreal" - not sure if she said surreal or unreal M: "What?" W: "A part of me can't believe this is happening. Another says I need to do it." M: "What part can't believe it?" W: "I don't know." M: "Why do you feel you need to do it?" W: "To be happy." M: "And how will this obtain that?" <pause> W: "I think it may help us." M: "How?" W: "I want to miss you. I want to want you. I want to feel." M: "Did you feel this morning?" W: "Yes, but I didn't feel like I was in love with you." ... M: "Are you in love with yourself?" W: "No. You know that. I can't stand myself." M: "Then you are not going to be happy. No matter where you live." ... W: "Let's go to sleep." W kisses me. W: "You are a good kisser. I will miss that."
I stay up and read for a little bit. She falls asleep on her side, I on mine. We wake up on my side of the bed together.
Thursday morning: M: "I was thinking. If we are going to do this. Can we do it without leasing another house. It will be financially difficult and stressful on our marriage. DO You think you could ask to see if you can live with a friend for a few months?" W: "No. I will not abandon the girls."
We discuss the possibility of her living in the guestroom and taking turns of being in charge of the girls, but live our seperate lives.
W: "I am doing this to find the source of my ambivalence. I did a decision matrix and it tilted heavily in favor of seperation." M: "May I see it?" W: "Yes. I will bring it home tonight." ... < the converstation had gone in a direction where I was frustrated > M: "Did you talk to OM yesterday?" - I know this was a stupid mistake. W: "Yes. I talk to him everyday." ... W: "I would like an opportunity to explore a relationship with him." M: "Then you need to go. You are blatantly breaking our vows. You need to go." - at this point I was angry W: "You are right I need to go." M: "You might as well start looking for places. You can do it tomorrow instead of coming to my work picnic." W: "Are you going to take the girls." M: "Yes. I can take your mom too." W: "OK"
Very little was said after that. This was the first time we left without saying much of anything to each other in a long while. I called her on the way to work and left a voicemail: "I am angry and I am guessing you have some negative feelings right now as well. But I ask that we not do anything rash. Please don't contact a lawyer or sign a lease before we have a chance to cool off and able to talk about it rationally. Thank you. See you tonight."
I feel pretty bad right now. I am dissappointed in myself for losing my cool.
Any advice on how to handle these next couple of days is appreciated.
