I think that the longer you don't give him the reaction he is after, the less H will show that irrational anger. Though he might well still try the occasional ambush. Whether that means things actually improve, I don't know, but at least you will feel safer while you figure that out.
"I think that the longer you don't give him the reaction he is after, the less H will show that irrational anger."
You are so right when you say that Jeff. I finally feel that anger bubble has burst. For me, staying really calm helped. I have such a struggle with that as I`ve had anxiety problems right through from my teenage years. Only acknowledged that recently through therapy as I`d buried it pretty successfully but it bubbled away within and honestly,I think that`s a big part of what fed H`s anger-my heightened over reactive response.
Xanax helped a couple of times but I really needed to learn how to get to that calm Zen like zone myself! So getting there has been a big step for me.
Yes, TIF, we`ve spotted a dog. A gorgeous cocker spaniel pup. Going back tomorrow morning to pay for him, collect him when kennel etc is sorted.
I haven`t heard of a dog saving a marriage before and I don`t think Michelle has it in any of her books. But, I hopeful!
Congrats on the dog. I never wanted one but I just love both of mine.
I'm glad you found a way to calm the anger too. Jeff is right, he will probably try to get to you again, when you least expect it, but you will be able to handle it with grace I"m sure.
Face products, my H uses more, spends hours in the bathroom now. Not really sure what he is doing but whatever... LOL I just find it funny.
What you said about why you are there, those answers will come and unfortunately, you may go up and down with it for a while even after you think you have all of your answers.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Just been to therapist this am. One of those really painful difficult sessions. There I was high as a kite after two fairly decent convos with H. With a little progress made in each. And she took the wind right out of my sails.
This is the bit I need to hear though.
My part in the marriage breakdown.
I keep having to have an answer for H. No not in the yakiity, yak place I was in before. Much calmer. but...
Telling him about my fantasy partner after our not-even-happened yet S, was apparently very dumb.
I keep trying to control him.
I am too strong in my opinions.
I never let him lead.
i come between him and the children.
I`ve ruined the man.
Boy, it bloody hurts.
And it goes on.
I can`t love a real man. I have to find someone weak to make me feel superior.
My kids are damaged far more than I realise, by me, by all of this.
I feel utterly crap right now. And there`s nothing I can do about any of it. I can`t control at all. Just let it roll.
First, I was to say read the "Surrendered Wife". Please. No not all of it is garbage. It will help you to see some things that were addressed in therapy but maybe in a way that can help you let go of some of the control.
Do you have any of Stormie Omartians books? They are good also, especially in helping us see some things about being wife and mother. In fact, the first chapter of "Power of a Praying Wife" used to be available to read on her website. That is really the power punch of the book.
Yes, you do still seem to have to keep having an answer for H. That is because you are still trying to fix. It doesn't happen overnight Fallgirl. Real changes do take time. And sometimes happen in layers. Six months ago, I would still answer H, even if it was calmer. Now, I just say, ok. Or, I'm sorry you feel that way. Or, I don't know what to say. EVEN WHEN I DO. Simply because it doesn't really matter too much what I say, they HAVE to figure it out on their own. If they don't, it will come back to bite you in the butt eventually.
Ok now the leading stuff and strong in your opinions. This is going to be very sexist (warning to those die hard womens liber's out there LOL), we are supposed to submit to our H. That is what is written in the Bible. And I do believe it to be true. The man is ordained to be the Head of the house. Not the dictator, but the Head. Your opinions do count, but if you constantly push them on him, or want him to agree with you, then you are emasculating him. I know it is hard. But the woman is to be the Heart of the home. It is simply the way it is. We have so screwed up the definitions of gender roles in the last 30 or so years.
One thing I had to really do was look at my role in all of this. I had resentment to H for not being "manly" enough. For letting me take the responsibility for everything. But I took the responsibility, and eventually, I just resented him for it. One of my biggest complaints with myself was that I did not feel feminine anymore. Well, I want to, and I can without feeling weak. That is what she is talking about, I think, Fallgirl. That is why I suggested the books. And I will tell you what, feeling feminine has little to do with what you think it might. I was very surprised by what makes me feel like a woman. Yes I still do most of the stuff around the house, but I don't make major decisions anymore.
Here are some things that I have changed, see if they resonate at all,
-I make my needs (house needs, major purchases) known, then "ask" for permission (for lack of a better word) before just purchasing.
-I do NOT argue, debate, reason financial choices made by H. -I do NOT pass along "chore" messages to S from H (if he wants S to do something, he can ask) -I do NOT punish, or attempt to punish, S. I know and accept that I cannot really do it effectivly anyway, so I told H that even though I may not agree, I trust that he will punish as he sees fit and I will stay out of the way with that one. -Son wants to do something, I will make the decision if it is minor, but anything I am not comfortable with, I defer to H, without sharing my opinion at all. -I take time for me. -I tell H when there is problem with the car/house but I do not deal with it UNLESS I must. (I am capable and know I can do it, I have always done those things, but if it isn't life altering, major emergency, I let him deal with it.) -I stay away from all interaction with his family. He can deal with them if he chooses.
This list could go on, but I've already taken up too much of your thread.
As far as the kids, yes they are damaged. Kids see much more than we think. Talk to them about their feelings, assure them that you both love them, but don't make them promises you don't know if you can keep and then change your ways and the damage will begin to repair. Kids are amazing sometimes.
You are wrong about one thing. You can control YOU. So take this list and do the work. Unless you really like yourself this way. I'm not saying you are bad, but I'm saying you can make it different if you want to.
Last edited by cat04; 08/20/0901:52 PM.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Just remembered something I wanted to share with you. About a year ago, I kept asking God and the universe to tell me what to do. I kept having dreams that said two things over and over. One was the word heal, (and boy the things I had to heal), the other was the phrase "make your home".
Well, I'll tell you, I almost thought I was nuts. How could I make my home anymore than what it was? I was a perfectionist and constantly working on some home improvement project. I did have a few to finish and I have worked on those but to be honest, I didn't feel like it was doing any good. Other than I was finishing things. Then I read something about making your home in your heart. This was only a few months ago. Boy what a lightening bolt. My home that I needed to work on was in my heart. And I have been working on it (of course I had to heal the issues first, which was why I heard heal first). My relationship with my S has improved tremendously since then and I really didn't think it could get much better. H is talking again, although I put no stock in that, and I am much happier. Much stronger. There is much work to do still but...
So don't throw away what comes to you. Sometimes it takes time to really understand what you are hearing, but like the others said, one step at a time.
You can do it.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
FG: I'm with ya! That appointment was kind of harsh?!?!?! Did you see any of you in what she was delivering? Mach said the therapist made you THINK. Absolutely. Even if some of what she said is not true, is it making you think about your approach, agenda, heart, reality of situation? My first response would have been... "Give me my bill, and get me the hel! out of here! NEXT!" But, then again, I know I'd want to hear what I want to hear, not what I SHOULD hear.
Be good!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Yes I agree with the therapist! I thanked her for telling me-in between tears!I know she is right.
I`m sad though because I`m afraid it may be just too late to save the marriage.
I`m equally sad because of the damage I`ve done to four very dear people.
Yes, I am Little Miss Fix-It and Little Miss Know-It-All.Its been interesting to see where that came from... Lets just say when I head home to my folks place these days I`m all eyes and ears.
And its been interesting to wade back to the start of our relationship and see how I bashed my H right from the get go.
So, I have it coming to me in spadeloads.
If that has been the dynamic from the start of our R(23 yesrs ago!) how can that change?
I can feel my guilt laying like a cross right through my body. I just wanted to sleep all day yestersday and eventually, when H came home I said I was off for a walk. Ok it was a lie(and I hate deceit) but I couldn`t tell him I was off to a parking lot to listen to a meditation cd and fall asleep.
Yes, I see now how I stay busy busy and and lots of other tactics to avoid listening to my heart.
So yes, Cat, I did the busy busy and I-resent-you-for-that thing. I shoved it in H`s face that I could do the Man jobs too! I made all the decisions re the kids-and resented that I`d to do everything.Home improvements, working full time,helping the kids with everything yup I did that. Didn`t have time for me, yup, hated H for that.
I realise that H has realised all of this before me. He recently told me "I was too weak for you" "I am too dishonest" "I should have stood up to you""I let you control everything" "I am living someone elses life, not the one I want"
Thank God for DB, as I actually bloody well listened to him. Didn`t agree as wholeheartedly as I would today but I did get to say stuff like "I never thought of it like that/thanks for telling me"
Now I`m more likely to say"What a pain in the butt I am. I`m sorry"
I look like a dogs dinner today. Wrecked. And just want to crawl back under a rock. Or back to bed even. But being a Miss Fix It I`m thinking of the following course of action.It`s hopefully on the more surrendered wife mode Cat. Yes, I get that. I`ve often thought that women`s lib did a disservice to women anyway making us believe we could do it all. Frigging exhausting stuff.
Dress the way H would like to see me dressed. Make up etc.
Cook a good dinner that he can decide to eat or not.
Have the house looking well.
Hold my cross of guilt in my heart to keep me humble.
Let the lawn grow, don`t get the shower fixed.
I have to go into work today for a few hours. Going to take my new found calmness and shut mouth with me.
Dunno if H will be home this pm. He hasn`t mentioned S since though of course is well on his way out. Not wearing his wedding ring anymore either. I`m planning nothing for this pm-just lots of yoga, prayer, meditation for me.
And being humble and listening if he wants to talk.
