Fallgirl`s Second Thread

[cat04]

Oh my, where to start?

Was the therapist having a bad day?

First, I was to say read the "Surrendered Wife". Please. No not all of it is garbage. It will help you to see some things that were addressed in therapy but maybe in a way that can help you let go of some of the control.

Do you have any of Stormie Omartians books? They are good also, especially in helping us see some things about being wife and mother. In fact, the first chapter of "Power of a Praying Wife" used to be available to read on her website. That is really the power punch of the book.

Yes, you do still seem to have to keep having an answer for H. That is because you are still trying to fix. It doesn't happen overnight Fallgirl. Real changes do take time. And sometimes happen in layers. Six months ago, I would still answer H, even if it was calmer. Now, I just say, ok. Or, I'm sorry you feel that way. Or, I don't know what to say. EVEN WHEN I DO. Simply because it doesn't really matter too much what I say, they HAVE to figure it out on their own. If they don't, it will come back to bite you in the butt eventually.

Ok now the leading stuff and strong in your opinions. This is going to be very sexist (warning to those die hard womens liber's out there LOL), we are supposed to submit to our H. That is what is written in the Bible. And I do believe it to be true. The man is ordained to be the Head of the house. Not the dictator, but the Head. Your opinions do count, but if you constantly push them on him, or want him to agree with you, then you are emasculating him. I know it is hard. But the woman is to be the Heart of the home. It is simply the way it is. We have so screwed up the definitions of gender roles in the last 30 or so years.

One thing I had to really do was look at my role in all of this. I had resentment to H for not being "manly" enough. For letting me take the responsibility for everything. But I took the responsibility, and eventually, I just resented him for it. One of my biggest complaints with myself was that I did not feel feminine anymore. Well, I want to, and I can without feeling weak. That is what she is talking about, I think, Fallgirl. That is why I suggested the books. And I will tell you what, feeling feminine has little to do with what you think it might. I was very surprised by what makes me feel like a woman. Yes I still do most of the stuff around the house, but I don't make major decisions anymore.

Here are some things that I have changed, see if they resonate at all,

-I make my needs (house needs, major purchases) known, then "ask" for permission (for lack of a better word) before just purchasing.

-I do NOT argue, debate, reason financial choices made by H.
-I do NOT pass along "chore" messages to S from H (if he wants S to do something, he can ask)
-I do NOT punish, or attempt to punish, S. I know and accept that I cannot really do it effectivly anyway, so I told H that even though I may not agree, I trust that he will punish as he sees fit and I will stay out of the way with that one.
-Son wants to do something, I will make the decision if it is minor, but anything I am not comfortable with, I defer to H, without sharing my opinion at all.
-I take time for me.
-I tell H when there is problem with the car/house but I do not deal with it UNLESS I must. (I am capable and know I can do it, I have always done those things, but if it isn't life altering, major emergency, I let him deal with it.)
-I stay away from all interaction with his family. He can deal with them if he chooses.

This list could go on, but I've already taken up too much of your thread.

As far as the kids, yes they are damaged. Kids see much more than we think. Talk to them about their feelings, assure them that you both love them, but don't make them promises you don't know if you can keep and then change your ways and the damage will begin to repair. Kids are amazing sometimes.

You are wrong about one thing. You can control YOU. So take this list and do the work. Unless you really like yourself this way. I'm not saying you are bad, but I'm saying you can make it different if you want to.