Ok I guess you could call it an EA. I know if my H was doing that it is what I would call it and YES he did encourage it.
I do want you to keep in mind one thing, I was really done at that point. I was not willing to admit to myself or anyone else that I loved my H, that I wanted my M, or that I even wanted to deal with H in anyway at that point. I was just still too hurt and doing what I have always done which was whatever H tells me to. So as he directed, I was "moving on." I was not looking for anything but I had made a friend and it ended up giving me something I needed at the time, and teaching me some lessons that I needed to learn in order to move foward and really look inside of me. So, although I DO NOT advocate it in any way, shape, or form, it was good for me.
That being said, yes he encouraged it. He actually tried to make it more than it was. It does easy their guilt. You are with someone else, you are happy, so see they were right and your life is good without them. It also does what you are saying and can make it seem like you were the one to give up, which I think through their actions is something most of these MLCer's try to do. Make us make the decision. Which we all have the option to do.
If you are ready to move on, then do it. If you aren't or are still on the fence, then don't. If it is not what you want, if he says that again, simply say something like you aren't looking for another R. It is not something H and I talk about at all anymore. But when different opportunities arise, I do make sure that H understands he is wanted and loved and important here. No pressure.
See, they do notice things. Took my H months to see how thin I've gotten. Took him less time to notice other things. Somedays they look at you, somedays they don't.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Just posted re last night`s convo with H. (Begining to dread Sat night!) Forgot to mention that in pointing out all my shortcomings in bed, H actually told me to go out and have sex with other men! Ha! He`s said that before too!
I have been thinking and meditating and reading on here. I'm going to share my thoughts simply because so many of us are in similar places that maybe it will help someone.
First I have been think about why we all choose to wait and this whole MLC process. For me, I think God was preparing me to be able to become strong during the pre-bomb period. My H, like most, slowly distanced (although throughout the R I already did most of the daily tasks anyway), to the point that even though he lives here, he is gone much more than he used to be (workaholic but still...). I became more and more responsible for our S and house stuff than ever before. Since the bomb, well lets just say, as S's schedule has gotten busier, H is too busy to help, stuff going on with the house, sleep is lacking for me. In the past, I would have really had a problem with this because I would have been constantly trying to do EVERYTHING so H would not get upset. I have had to learn how to let go of things and not get down on myself because I am not superwoman. The result, as much as I love a clean house, I'm not the only person here, and I am just as busy as everyone else. Didn't happen overnight mind you, I spent a lot of post bomb months apologizing for not getting everything perfect everyday, but... I am much more content within myself because I know and accept that I am doing the best that I can and I recognize now that I also have to take care of myself (something I was guilty of not doing for years). I know, when I look at this that it is not about a fear of letting go simply because I was prepared to know I could be alone before the sh** hit the fan. When you realize that, then you will know why you really are there.
The things that they say to us, although hurtful, really are their feelings and we need to recognize that. Some of us have shared things that all seem to have common threads. Yes some of it really is crap and MLC script, but some of it really is how they feel. And some of it simply shows their confusion, even though they might be trying to show us how much their minds are made up. We have to learn to take what we can work with to make changes for us, let go of the really hurtful words and actions, and understand their confusion. It would be wonderful for them to just know what they want, because limbo sucks, but really, if they come back before they are ready, that would be very bad. But we must really LISTEN to them to find out what exactly they are saying. Sometimes that means just stepping back from all of it, even if an answer or reaction might seem needed at the moment. That is why we validate. So that we later have time to evaluate within ourselves.
A lot of us talk about universal energy, faith, and God on here, as well as boundaries. We learn, through our faith, that we have strength and wisdom that we may not have known we have. Personally, I have renewed my faith and I have seen answers to my prayers. I don't simply see things as cooincidence anymore. There was a situation occuring here, that I felt would not be good for any of us, that I really had no control over without setting a boundary that would have made H probably run for the hills shouting some very angry words at me. Instead, I prayed. I prayed daily for months for this situation to be changed in a way that was good for all of us, if that is what was supposed to happen. In the meantime, I did my best to survive it without any sort of major blow up. Well, the situation was resolved finally. In the way that I wanted it to be. Amazingly it was resolved in just the way that I asked for, without my interference. It took time for the details to be worked out for it to be a good thing, but it did happen. (No, not OW). There has been a little pain for H associated with it, but not caused by me. So now, I am praying that H will move through it, process it, and see the good in the whole situation.
I am also learning when to speak, when to tell H things or try (I know futile) to see what is occuring, the pain he is causing, how things are not what he thinks. Well, in the past it has been like beating a dead horse and then getting cruicified for it. But something else occured this week, I wrote H a letter just informing him of it. I'm not really sure where the words came from, but it was an extremly noncriticizing note. I'm sure he was trying to convince himself that I was wrong, but the next night, circumstances occured that SHOWED him that what I was saying was the truth.
Personally, I have come to a point with all of this that something has to change. I am tired of feeling like I am going in circles with him. My hope and prayer is that he will wake up. I have thought he was on the verge a few times, but then things happen that seem to send him backwards and I know that I can't go backwards to many more times. But I must say that the backward periods are shorter in length. And much less harsh than in the past. I see them now as they are starting. I know what is next in the process and I just go with it.
So in the meantime, I am doing well, just so busy that I don't always know which end is up. Things happen in God's time if we just get out of the way, and that is what I have been doing.
Sorry for the ramble, just some food for thought.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I never thought of coincidences quite that way but I like it!!!
I have seen so much in my life that so many would say coincidence, but when you really look at it, they aren't. There is just no way. A perfect example is my niece. She should have been a still birth. But she is here, with no medical intervention after her arrival (total miracle as she was 3 lbs and almost 4 months early), and the only "coincidence" was a stress test that occured a day before it was scheduled because of a "glitch". If the test had occured the day it was scheduled, she would have been dead. Divine intervention?
Yes, I know I sort of contradicted myself by saying I wrote H a letter and staying out of God's way, but this was something involving S that I have been trying to bang into H's head for a while. I haven't said anything about it in a few weeks, just decided it was a waste of my time, and then I was simply "prompted" to sit down and spell it out for him. No sugar coating, just what it was. Then the next night, blam, S acted exactly like I was telling H. No not badly, just like he was not even aware H was here because of the deterioration of their R (mostly due to the excessive work). S has NEVER not seeked him father out before this. He has always tried to at least say goodnight. But nothing. I know H noticed because he eventually went looking for S to find him involved in something with me.
I'm sorry to be so vague about details, I'm sure it makes some of what I am trying to share confusing but I need to remain as anonomous as possible myself. I'm glad someone enjoys my ramblings. LOL. Sometimes I have to reread them myself simply because my fingers and head don't always go at the same speed.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Hey Cat, there is not doubt in my mind that God is always listening and at work. We may not know it or understand it at the time, but He is always there.
There are no right or wrong ways to go through all this. We each have to find the path that is the right way for us.
This journey that we are on, is really and truly for us. If we are still and we listen, we can find ourselves, find our happiness and embrace the life we were meant to have.
