I don't believe W has a plan. I don't think she said, OK, I'm gonna suddenly turn around and leave my husband for whatever reason. He will be miserable, and I will live happily ever after. Wait, what's this? He isn't miserable? Now I am confused, maybe I'll stay.
First, it doesn't matter whether she has a plan or not. Second, I guarantee you while she may not have a well thought out plan, she has had time to prepare for what she thinks is her only option and has what, in her mind, is a plan. Semantics don't matter. Her "plan" may be as simple as "I'm done."
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I think it is more like W has gradually lost her feelings for me. She doesn't think they will come back. She isn't evil, she doesn't wish pain and suffering on me, and she verbalizes this.
Yep, I have heard the EXACT same things from my W, and I have read the exact same comments from MANY, MANY others here.
Now, what is important to realize is that love is not feelings. Love, as they say, is a decision. Those feelings provide the initial attraction for two people that eventually blossoms into love. Our WAS at some point have developed the belief that since they do not have those "feelings" for us anymore, they must not love us. They truly believe this. So, when she says she does not have those "feelings" for you, that does not mean your M is beyond saving.
Detachment helps take you back to when your W was first attracted to you - I don't know you, but you were probably confident, decisive and full of self-confidence. Somewhere along the R, we LBS' lose those qualities, at least our spouses perceive that we have. I prefer to think we still have those qualities, we have just gotten lazy in using and displaying them.
Once you work on detaching, and this has to be for YOU and not with the idea you will save your M, then the qualities that initially attracted your W will slowly re-appear. While you are developing your self confidence, thrive in your "new" life, the ball is lobbed back across the net onto her side of the court. Whether you realize it or not, she WILL be watching you. She, then, has the hard part, b/c she has to decide whether she wants to move forward and leave this "new" person you have become.
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So, this is the core of my fear. If I show her I am doing fine, there is an equal chance of her being attracted to me again as there is of her easily deciding to move on because I am OK. Does this make sense to anyone?
Yes, it makes sense. But, if you stay where you are right now, there is a VERY small chance she is going to come back to the M. If you detach, you have just given yourself even odds. Quite an improvement. This is why I keep asking you what other choice do you have?
And one of the biggest aspects of detaching, perhaps the root of it, is refusing to allow fear to guide you or control you. If you no longer fear the worst case scenario, it has NO power over you. What a place of strength from which to attack this problem you have been dealt! But you can't do that unless and until you detach. It isn't just going to happen. You have to work at it, and to work at it for no one else but YOU.
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I don't understand this concept of scripts and plans. I think W is confused, doesn't know what to do. And I have to come up with a plan of my own to keep her interested in me.
You don't have to understand why she is doing anything, scripts or plans. B/c you have no control over them. Let it go. She probably doesn't understand why she feels the way she does (My W has told me this), so how can you be expected to figure it out. Those things don't matter b/c they are not your issues.
Final thought occured to me this morning. Have you thought it is just a coincidence that the people who I consider most knowledgable here (and I am NOT including me in this group b/c I learned it from them) - Sandi, Puppy and Coach - ALL agree that detachment is the ONLY way to go and the ONLY way you stand a chance of influencing your W? I know what you are feeling right now - I can't do this, will it work, and you are afraid. Those are all normal things where you are.
I got past this point by realizing that God has a plan for my life, and I do not think part of that plan is for me to be alone. So, either one of two things is going to happen. One, God is going to heal me and my M and it's going to be a new M that will be better than I ever thought possible. Two, God has someone out there who, for some reason I cannot understand, needs me more than my W. And that other person and I will be happier than I ever thought possible. Either way, I am happy in the end.
You not only CAN do this O, you NEED to do this. But you have to WANT to do this for YOU.
Thank you, GIMA. I now do understand. You have put it in a way that makes sense to me. I get it. You have explained to me what may very well be going on in my Ws head, and at the same time have raised my hope again. I will continue to try and detach as best as I can. I want to level the playing field, and fear isn't going to help me do that, so I will give my fear to God, again, as best as I can, and continue to do what I can to detach. It isn't easy, but with a better understanding of why it needs to be done, I can handle it a bit better. I am still very sad, but will try to keep a PMA and do things for me. For example, next week I am off from work and W is not. I took the week to stay with my boys to avoid child care expenses. I plan on taking them to a place we always used to go as a family. It will be rough, but the boys will love it. I really liked what you said at the end about God's plan. I feel also that God doesn't intend for me to be alone, and of course I always just figured that I was supposed to be with my W. I still hope that is true, but never thought about a third person who God knows might need me more than W does. I will bring that whole idea to evening prayer tonight. I notice we are the same age. It does me good hearing someone the same age as me positive about his future. Age never bothered me before, but going through this sometimes I get worried about starting over at 40. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I have gotten a lot out of your post.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
The pain will subside as you detach. And something that surprised me is that I love my W more and in a different way, despite the current sitch. Still don't know where it's going, but I can tell you my life has been forever changed for the better.
Prayer is a big part of my change. It ALWAYS helps.
Your wife thinks she is in love with a married man. (the so called friend.)
You ARE in denial as are others trying to help you on this thread.
The reason that she is acting so flakey going back and forth is this...
HE IS MARRIED. Since he is married, then she is reacting to him. Notice that she decided to go to Retro BECAUSE HE suggested it to her....
She has no real urgency to leave or divorce you because she isn't totally sure what HE is going to do. She is waiting on him. If he leaves his wife, she will leave you in a heartbeat.
You are in total and complete denial and others are enabling you...
This has been going on for quite some time....
You WANT a smoking gun? How about 1800 texts to each other in one month? THINK ABOUT THAT AGAIN. ONE THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED TEXTS? In one month? That is SIXTY texts a day... Wake up man... How about going to the beach without her rings? (convenient excuse) How about going on the boat with him? How about going out 3 times a week with girlfriends, her brother, etc. (yea right.. Naieve if you believe this nonsense) She is SNEAKING to meet him. Her brother is her cover. Her girlfriends are her cover. Going to the beach is a cover. How about no interest in working things out with you?
This IS an EA and a PA... You have been at this for too long to keep burying your head in the sand because you just DON'T WANT to face the actual facts of what is going on here.
YOU are getting played my man.. BADLY...
Change your game plan. This one isn't working. You are and have been enabling an affair. Right under you nose.
THAT is what is going on. Until you can face that and admit it and get a game plan based on those facts, then you will keep on spinning your wheels with little or no success.
ConfusedinPa made the same mistake you are making...
Please wise up. You are wasting your time on things that have nothing to do with what is really going on. AN AFFAIR. She believes she is in love with this OM. (also an ex of hers)(ex's are huge red flags)
Come on. Let's wake up and quit trying to act like you don't see the elephant in the room.
IF your wife didn't think she was in love with OM, then she WOULD be open to working it out with you. She would have nothing to lose. She wouldn't be up and down and wishy washy. When she is wishy washy, you have to understand that it has something to do with HIM.
Denial is getting you nowhere. Puppy has tried to tell you this numerous times, but others keep butting in and pushing you back into denial... Time to get out of denial and into reality... I have been doing this for 20+ years. I am correct in my assessment.
Your game plan should be based on the facts, not on what you HOPE. Reading your first post on this site isn't much different than reading the latest post. I would suggest that what you are doing isn't working. Change your game plan.
Some women just want to be alone, think that their "happiness" is out there somewhere and they're missing it, and some just don't know what they want. Some know what they "want" but go back and forth because they know what they want conflicts with their core values as a person. They may even hate themselves for wanting what they want, don't know why they want it, and still can't change their feelings (yet).
No question do some have another waiting in the wings, but I don't think all do.
1800 texts is a LOT. We all have support people though. I have a cousin (female former WAW herself) that talk to. I checked my records and I was on the phone with her for over 1,000 minutes last month. Looking for support and understanding. Now that your wife doesn't feel like she has you as a "go to" person any more, she is using this guy for that person. (too bad it couldn't be a woman that she is going to)
One guy on here got some good insight from a letter his wife wrote d1adsl5a letter
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
