Ups and Downs

[Orich]

Bingo.

[Energizer Bunny]

I sometimes wonder...what will be the catalyst that prompts bringing limbo to an end.

The W will talk one day about how the flowers in our yard will look next year and the next (last night) spend two hours getting all primped and prissy in order to go out for "dinner" with our neighbor. (female neighbor)

I guess I'm not as detached as I thought. Not that long ago, it would have really rattled me to think that my wife was going out without me. It still bothers me...especialy since she refuses to go out with me, but will put a ton of effort into going out with someone else. Also because she doesn't wear her ring any more. (I still do) The level of disrespect that I feel this screaming in the face of me, our marriage, and our family is immeasurable.

We didn't talk much last night. The time between me getting home and her "going out" was pretty much spent with her upstairs playing dress up. It's hard to believe that this is the same girl who used to never go out and was comfortable with just a touch of makeup, worn out blue jeans and an oversize T-shirt.

She missed tucking in S7 once again. She was home at 11:30. (better than 2:00am I guess)

I understand that people need friends and to go out, but 3-4 nights a week, coming in at all hours is a bit much.

[Orich]

GMA,
On the weekends W will talk about when the boys are older, we will do this, or lets redo the front stoop on the house, all sorts of stuff about the future as if we will all be a together as a family. Then, during the week, either she comes home for dinner and leaves to go out with friends getting all dolled up like you said, or sometimes I will just get a text message that she isn't coming home after work, tell the boys she will see them in the morning. At least she hasn't taken her rings off, but who knows how long until they come off.
When we are home together, there is no conversation other than necessary stuff.
She used to tell me she would be happy not going out at all. Her idea of a perfect evening was the 2 of us cuddled together on the couch watching tv.
It still bothers me that she goes out without me. Sometimes, if I am in a particularly sadistic mood, I'll look at the pictures she puts up on myface of her evenings. She also usually is out until midnight sometimes.
When I pick up the boys after work, the first thing they ask me now is will mommy be home for dinner tonight?

[Energizer Bunny]

The conflict that must be going on in their heads...

It sounds like your W and mine have so much in common. The dedicated W/Mom has to be in there somewhere. I think it's like the old frosted mini-wheats commercials...The responsible, loving caring mature side of me likes the one side... and the underserved, irresponsible, party-girl likes the frosted side. Can't we just crush them up in some milk and come out with a nice balance

The pictures are brutal. I F-ing hate them. I've stopped looking. Honestly I think that it's kind of a highschool girl thing to do to take a picture of yourself in a bar or a party and post them for the "Hey, aren't I cool" effect.

As you may pick up, I am having a resentful spell myself.

Orich - I saw you were having a particularly tough day yesterday. How are things thig morning?

[Orich]

Not much better. It's weird, all of a sudden it just kinda hit me again. I woke up this morning after little sleep and I must have been having a pleasant dream because I was feeling pretty good for about half a second, and then suddenly I was kicked in the chest with the realization of what is going on again. I fell asleep driving into work, fortunately the rumble strips on the expressway woke me up. I am now on my third red-bull trying to stay awake. I did fall asleep at my desk earlier, and I was having a wonderful dream about W, when I woke up, our wedding song was playing on the radio. Then I got really sad.
I can't believe your W puts pics up too. Are we married to the same W? I get calls from mutual friends saying Wow, looks like you guys had fun last night, were you the one holding the camera? Or from friends who know what is going on with us: WTF? How could she go out like that and leave you home?

[JKL2009]

I've thought about the "end game" and posted a thread on here once as well. Basically, I think it is when the WAS says "ok let's make this work."

For you all dealing with WAS staying out late and such, I think you need to put a foot down and set some limits. If this is not "normal" pre-bomb behavior, then it is a good idea to think about saying enough. While you are in a relationship, sharing a home, and being parents that is not acceptable. If and when you separate and live apart, then they have to get a sitter or whatever to do that junk, but don't let yourself get run over now.

[Energizer Bunny]

If my wife is your wife, than I am you.

I fell asleep in my car at lunch Tuesday. (lots of coffee in place of Red Bull) It comes and goes though. Some weeks I have been stronger and more detached. Everyone pounds it to death on here, but they're right. It's the only way to get sanity for yourself and stop pressing the W.

I was reading on your thread about the plan. I think they do have a general "Goal" of happiness, but constantly change their "plan" of how to get there. The plan that we have is the DB stuff - doing something diferent, detaching, waiting for them to initiate R talks, getting a life etc. That needs to be our plan.

My W's plan seems to change daily.

[Orich]

Go back to my thread, GIMA just gave an excellent post that I got a lot out of...
And I think we are the same person. I just don't like coffee.

[Energizer Bunny]

I've thought about the "end game" and posted a thread on here once as well. Basically, I think it is when the WAS says "ok let's make this work."

I sure hope so. I've mentioned that I have been talking a lot to a cousin who is a former WAW herself (very insightful). This is pretty much what she says too. I think you're right on the money.

For you all dealing with WAS staying out late and such, I think you need to put a foot down and set some limits. If this is not "normal" pre-bomb behavior, then it is a good idea to think about saying enough. While you are in a relationship, sharing a home, and being parents that is not acceptable. If and when you separate and live apart, then they have to get a sitter or whatever to do that junk, but don't let yourself get run over now.

I would love to put my foot down. That would really be more of the same though. I know exactly how this would go. We've been there before. Not putting my foot down is the 180 from where I was pre-bomb.

Another conversation starting with "you can't control me," and ending with "this is why our marriage will never work," followed by her telling me she is filing for divorce and leaving for the night anyway would be a big set back at this point.

I would love to put my foot down, but I don't feel the timing is right.

[JKL2009]

I understand, but sometimes a 180 is not what you need. You need to also have self-respect. Just act like you are room mates, saying something like "I don't want to control you, but doing x is disrespectful to me and our child. As long as we are in the same house, you should not be out late multiple nights a week." Something like that, others on this board can help and have done the same thing. I have too. The point is to stand up for yourself while not being controlling.