I don't believe W has a plan. I don't think she said, OK, I'm gonna suddenly turn around and leave my husband for whatever reason. He will be miserable, and I will live happily ever after. Wait, what's this? He isn't miserable? Now I am confused, maybe I'll stay.
First, it doesn't matter whether she has a plan or not. Second, I guarantee you while she may not have a well thought out plan, she has had time to prepare for what she thinks is her only option and has what, in her mind, is a plan. Semantics don't matter. Her "plan" may be as simple as "I'm done."
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I think it is more like W has gradually lost her feelings for me. She doesn't think they will come back. She isn't evil, she doesn't wish pain and suffering on me, and she verbalizes this.
Yep, I have heard the EXACT same things from my W, and I have read the exact same comments from MANY, MANY others here.
Now, what is important to realize is that love is not feelings. Love, as they say, is a decision. Those feelings provide the initial attraction for two people that eventually blossoms into love. Our WAS at some point have developed the belief that since they do not have those "feelings" for us anymore, they must not love us. They truly believe this. So, when she says she does not have those "feelings" for you, that does not mean your M is beyond saving.
Detachment helps take you back to when your W was first attracted to you - I don't know you, but you were probably confident, decisive and full of self-confidence. Somewhere along the R, we LBS' lose those qualities, at least our spouses perceive that we have. I prefer to think we still have those qualities, we have just gotten lazy in using and displaying them.
Once you work on detaching, and this has to be for YOU and not with the idea you will save your M, then the qualities that initially attracted your W will slowly re-appear. While you are developing your self confidence, thrive in your "new" life, the ball is lobbed back across the net onto her side of the court. Whether you realize it or not, she WILL be watching you. She, then, has the hard part, b/c she has to decide whether she wants to move forward and leave this "new" person you have become.
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So, this is the core of my fear. If I show her I am doing fine, there is an equal chance of her being attracted to me again as there is of her easily deciding to move on because I am OK. Does this make sense to anyone?
Yes, it makes sense. But, if you stay where you are right now, there is a VERY small chance she is going to come back to the M. If you detach, you have just given yourself even odds. Quite an improvement. This is why I keep asking you what other choice do you have?
And one of the biggest aspects of detaching, perhaps the root of it, is refusing to allow fear to guide you or control you. If you no longer fear the worst case scenario, it has NO power over you. What a place of strength from which to attack this problem you have been dealt! But you can't do that unless and until you detach. It isn't just going to happen. You have to work at it, and to work at it for no one else but YOU.
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I don't understand this concept of scripts and plans. I think W is confused, doesn't know what to do. And I have to come up with a plan of my own to keep her interested in me.
You don't have to understand why she is doing anything, scripts or plans. B/c you have no control over them. Let it go. She probably doesn't understand why she feels the way she does (My W has told me this), so how can you be expected to figure it out. Those things don't matter b/c they are not your issues.
Final thought occured to me this morning. Have you thought it is just a coincidence that the people who I consider most knowledgable here (and I am NOT including me in this group b/c I learned it from them) - Sandi, Puppy and Coach - ALL agree that detachment is the ONLY way to go and the ONLY way you stand a chance of influencing your W? I know what you are feeling right now - I can't do this, will it work, and you are afraid. Those are all normal things where you are.
I got past this point by realizing that God has a plan for my life, and I do not think part of that plan is for me to be alone. So, either one of two things is going to happen. One, God is going to heal me and my M and it's going to be a new M that will be better than I ever thought possible. Two, God has someone out there who, for some reason I cannot understand, needs me more than my W. And that other person and I will be happier than I ever thought possible. Either way, I am happy in the end.
You not only CAN do this O, you NEED to do this. But you have to WANT to do this for YOU.
