In Limbo

[Mach1]

Hey MB,

Didn't mean to cut you off there...

I would like to hear your answer too.....

[Fallgirl]

When Mach says he is staying in the marriage because:

"It is also looking into the eyes of my wife and knowing that there is something deep inside that cannot come out just yet.

Something that even she doesn't know yet brewing inside of her....

If she had Cancer, would I turn my back on her ?"

That rang so true for me-though it`s taken me over a year to get to that point!

Yes, D, I read your wife`s letter and it had all the hallmarks of someone who is struggling to find their true selves. That true self in your wife that is locked up right now, that you cannot reach but that may emerge with time and patience.

Yes, I did validate H`s position re the separation. I did acknowledge that at was at that point too a few months back but that I am more optimistic now, more hopeful for us. Yet I wouldn`t stand in his way if that`s what he wants. And yes, he would have to book the mediation appointments.

Yes, H has a huge issue with facing my family and friends cos I made that mistake of blabbing too much too.

Stay in the bed if you can with your wife, D.I found it so very difficult to sleep with H initially when things were un ravelling last summer but I miss sleeping with him now, yes, even if there would be no intimacy.

I have overcome insomnia issues though by playing meditation tapes. I`ve done a lot of that self care stuff-yoga, diet, prayer,reading, giong back to old hobbies, picking up new ones. Whatever helps me stay relaxed. That`s been good.

I finally found a good therapist and go to her once a week. Wish I had her a year ago!

Keep your wedding rings on. I didn`t. I`m sorry now.

Anything you do got get at W will swing back on you.

Best book I`ve read-apart from DR and DB -is Gary Zucav`s "The Heart of the Soul"

This has been a journey for me too. A journey to find my real self that got lost through years of nappies, overwork,self neglect. I am working on changing me for me. Yes, I`ve worked on things H has pointed on too but I`ve done that for me as well.

There have been lots of pluses to this journey. I`ve discovered happiness is within. I have learnt to be a well of calm through my H`s rages.Like you, I`m reconnecting with old friends, my other friendships and family relationships have deepened and I`m feeling a greater connectivity to people in general.I`m loving my kids better.

So there are lots of pluses.

This is a wake up call to live better.

[d1adsl5a]

Hey Fall,

Here is me saying how to overcome insomnia. Last couple nights it has come back and hit me again. Just the anxiety of the situation just comes back and hits you. Today is one of those bad days. The W has been on tour this week...Going out Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and she will be gone Saturday and at a family function on Sunday..

She had lunch with one of her friends last week who I saw this morning at the healthclub. She told me that my W said "I just wish he would cheat on me or hit me. It would make this easier. If we were divorced we could live in houses close to each other. He could see the kids anytime he or they wanted. It is too late to fix the marriage."

I asked her friend if there was any warmth towards me at all--she didn't see any.

I have to say, when I got home from the healthclub, I couldn't even look at my W. I just got ready for work and left. It just drains the love and compassion right out of you. Sometimes I just want to call it quits. Get on with my life, find someone who I can be happy with. This pain sucks, The unhappiness sucks. I know giving in and giving her the divorce she wants is the easy way out for me and her. But it is just so hard coming home, eating dinner with her, prenting to be happy around her. A couple weeks back she invited me out for our anniversary to this fundraiser. I don't want to go, but I did accept. I feel like that village idiot hoping she will see me in a different light. Right now, the only light she sees is the light at the end of the divorce tunnel. The thing is I don't think she will file. I think she has enough patience to just wait it out till she breaks me and I have to get out.

I just can't sleep in the same bed with her. As soon as she lays down, my mind starts going. It is hard enough sleeping downstairs on the couch. I am tired of taking ambien to go to sleep. I am tired of not feeling close to her. Hell, just a hug would make me feel good. I look at her while she is sleeping and I just can't believe this is my W. That this is where my life is now. Therapy has helped, but it is not going to fix her. I am starting to wonder if she can fix herself. That is my only hope at this point. I fear that the only way that can happen is if we are divorced. There will be a point of no return for me. Sometimes I feel that day is coming...

I know that I am rambling..This is just a hard day. I am taking my sons camping this weekend. That she be a good decompression for me.

I am taking Mach's advice and venting here. Today is one of those days where I would want to have the "relationship" discussion. I promised I wouldn't so I am not....

[HalfMissing]

I do feel the same way, that it seems the only way they ever figure it out is if they are sitting in that apartment alone. For the guy however, based on Illinois Law, that would probably be me seeing my kids on the weekends and one day during the week.

D, where did you get the idea that IL law is biased against the father? That is absolutely not the truth. I also live in IL. I know a man who used to post on here who was divorced last year in IL and has 50/50 custody of his two young children. I am dating a wonderful man who was divorced by his WAW three years ago and he got full custody of their teenaged daughter with his ex getting visitation.
You get the custody you fight for. My ex did not want custody of our children and chose to see them only every other weekend and one evening a week. That was his choice because he didn't want them to interfere with his free time.
If your situation gets to that point, you will have a say in custody. Make sure you protect yourself by getting your own lawyer at that time and document everything.

[Golfgirl1]

I take klonpin for anxiety and boy does it help me sleep. I combine it with a natural sleep remedy and I'm out for 7-8 hours..thank GOD!!

[d1adsl5a]

Glad to hear it is working...Hopefully someday we can stop taking something to sleep.

[d1adsl5a]

Mach,

It has been about 4 days of anger towards her. I just can't act anymore that I am happy around her. She kept asking over and over again, what is my problem, what did she do to make me mad yesterday. You would have been proud of me for awhile. I did say it is an insult to ask me that. But I just said I don't know what you want from me--I just walked away. Later that night, my son told me that she talked to him twice(he's 11) about living apart from me in the future. I can't tell you how mad I got. He is going through enough right now. I had to say something that she can't do that to him. My son said, "Dad don't worry, I took care of it. I told her just to worry about now." What woman can be so ignorant. I took the kids camping yesterday, my 7 year old got sick and we had to come home which I told her. He woke up with a fever at 4am just as my wife was walking through the door. What woman goes out till 4am knowing her son is sick. I was so pissed that I just had to say I know you are trying to break me. I know that she told her friend that it would be easier if I cheated on her. I said I did see your letter and I can't believe you only married me because your father approved. I stopped there and left. I know I slipped. But I just can't act happy around her any more when all I have is anger and contempt for her.

Not sure where this leaves me from a DB'ing standpoint. But I just couldn't go on making idle chit chat when she continues to walk all over me.....

[d1adsl5a]

I definitely will. I know she is trying to break me right now. Give her the easy out. Not going to happen. If she/I do eventually file, I will be going for 50/50. Meaning getting our sons 2 weeks each month. I am not the every other weekend Dad...

[d1adsl5a]

Mach, the other thing is our anniversay is this thursday. she had invited me out a few weeks back to go to this informal fundraiser. She had written the letter and said all the bad things I mentioned after she invited me. We haven't talked about it sense. However, I don't think going is such a good idea for me at this point. I am sure the way I have been acting towards her--the feeling is mutual..

[Fallgirl]

D

My H and I lived through that bristling anger phase for months. If I knew then what I knew now...

Don`t do ANYTHING in anger. What ever vindictive things you do to her will bite you back with the same ferocity.

Don`t JUDGE her when you`re angry. Anger brings out the most hateful parts in us-masks the good bits.

Do wonder why you sink into anger so quickly. Habits of a lifetime, family of origin stuff, don`t blame your W for it.

Get a really good therapist asap to help you with YOU and YOUR issues.(we all have them-and this is a good time to learn)

Don`t confront her. Don`t even wonder about her if you can help it. Stack up a load of fun things for you do get to each week and just do `em. Stuff that`ll keep you from smouldering about her.Stuff that can change your mood, give you a buzz about life.

The stuff I did then in my angry phase that I`d like to take back?
-talked to too many people. that`s still biting me in the butt to this day
-looked woeful
-blamed H for everything-utterly blind to my part in our downfall
-got to the point of feeling suicidal
-limped through my working day
-wasn`t as there for the kids as I should have been. Anger drains you.

Stop blaming W.You`re a big boy now and you can mind yourself so just go do that.It`s self care ALL THE WAY for us dbers

-Sleep, lots.Try not to take pills though.I even take the car to parking lot to listen to a meditation tape and just sleep!
-Look the very best you can. Clothes, gym,whatever it takes
-Exercise is great anyway-get outdoors if poss. great to escape the four walls.
-Eat properly.
-yoga, prayer,mediatate-whatever gets you calm.
-Read all the self help books you can. Spend time in the bookstore browsing and usually the ones you need will just jump out at you. I`ve found Louse Hay`s meditation tapes good too.

Have some strategies to get out of W`s way if you feel she`s trying to get you into angry mode(my H fed off my anger).I took xanax(briefly) to keep me calm.After that-knowing what calm felt like-I used natural ways to get me there.

Your face can give away a lot so try to cultivate a bland expression.

Be ready to listen if she corners you but don`t respond in anger. Something like"I never saw it that way""Ok, I`ll think about that one" is not agreeing with her but shows you`re listening.

Then move on with your fun goals.No slamming doors etc.

Yeah, its tough on the kids. Try and make this a time of happy memories too though. So do things with them that they`ll love and remember.

I`ve already told DS14 that "Dad is going through a tricky time right now but you know we both love you very much" Don`t bitch about W to your son.

Don`t play tug of war with your kids.

Thinking of and praying for you.