W sought me out. Commented on how I've been exercising.
Asked me how I'm doing, I said, doing OK. She says - "you seem pretty upbeat lately. You seem to be doing better than I am." After a moment, I said, what do you need? She laughed and commented about how I'm always there for her.
She talks about how sad she is, how she just wants to get comfort from me, to cuddle with me, etc. but can't do that because I can't be that person for her anymore. Said I have nice legs, she loves my smile, my laugh, how I make her laugh, how I calm her down. She said, maybe we can just stay in the same house like this forever. (later, she said how hard it's been to be in the house going through this) She said she loves going on vacations with me, that she's so happy we went to Hawaii in May and took lots of pictures.
Then she said that we haven't been happy, that I haven't been happy either, and that this is neccessary. After a couple moments of silence, she says, "what?"
I said, well, I don't believe that. And she said, she wouldn't have done this if she wasn't sure. She said that she'll always care about me, etc.
I moved her over in the chair and held her a couple of minutes, then got up. Went into the kitchen. At one point I took came close and kissed her on the cheek - she said "do you want to just make out?" and then laughed... no, kidding.
Then, hugging her, she said "I really love you."
She asked me to watch TV with her. After the show was over I held her again for a few minutes. Then she got up and went to bed.
So - in summary - she loves me, but she thinks we're not happy, so she wants to proceed.
I know you guys are going to throw bricks at me for being too accessable. Go ahead. Tell me what you think.
Here's my take.
I think that my wife is struggling with depression. I think that part of our relationship, from the beginning, has been based on me filling up that hole.
When we went through this in 2003, that's what I did. I became a source of positive energy, I led my marriage to a place where I fed it. I was a source of strength. I found some of my old posts, and remembered what hard work it was.
Recently, though, I haven't had that energy. Sure, work, whatever.
Well, apparently, she's noticing that I'm doing this again. The dependable, strong, positive energy guy. The changes work.
So, many of you have asked me the question: The changes didn't last, did they? I'm tired, can I keep it up? etc. Fair questions. But I think my wife has large needs for support. I'm taking a look at the basis of our relationship. She said it herself. I've been the only one out there for her. She doesn't maintain other relationships. I'm her source of support.
I want to save my M. There are a lot of positive things in the way she feels, but she still wants to leave. I can do the work. I can be strong. I can lead the marriage and the family. I can put in positive energy, and be more attactive than the option of leaving. I think. I will do that now.
I think I have a longer-term problem though, that my W struggles with depression...
I have other thoughs but they're kind of jumbled up. This is it for tonight.
