Divorce not busted 2

[C-Bart]

Can't answer for everyone or even Orich but as a LBS I can say a great deal of pain comes from trying to wrap our arms around what is happening. One day our S is a loving person, saying and doing loving things. Then what seems like the next day everything has changed and the script comes out. ILYButs, I want out, etc. etc. The WAS has had months if not years to work through all the details and they have created ways to detach. That is were the scripts come into play as justification for how they treating the R or acting in a particular way. Not only did my W throw scripts at me she set out to destroy my reputation so she could be justified in leaving me. Don't know if this is typical or not.

...I have to think that the main reason you (or anyone) does not detach in their stitch is b/c they don't want to.

I agree with you on this from the standpoint that we only do things we want to do either on a conscious or sub-conscious level. In cases such as dealing with a WAS however we tend to default back to behavior that worked for us in the past. Things like writing notes, sending flowers, kissing the backside of the S. Even things like manipulative behavior using guilt as a tool of control may have worked in the past. The logic, however flawed , is if its not working, try harder. The DB process runs counter to everything we know or learned from Love Boat re-runs. I'll save the cultural rant for another day. Detaching takes time and understanding. It also calls for the detach-er (word?) to rely on their own self worth. If as we tend to do, attach our identity to our S and our M we have to actually detach from or re-invent ourselves. All of this takes time and a trip down a very dark and scary highway.

You are afraid that the love you feel for her will go away. Am I right or wrong?

Maybe. From my perspective it was more that I didn't want my W to think things were working. After all if I was happy and getting on with my life she must not have been needed. There were many time early in my sitch were I wanted the love I had for my W to just go away. I would have taken any pill made to get rid of that useless feeling. Looking back I can see it very clearly now. But that was a year ago