Divorce not busted 2

[davidswife]

Thanks so much!

[Orich]

W is home. More of the same. God give me strength. Right now all I want is to sleep.

[Orich]

Sandi, you bring up an interesting point. I will sleep on it and reply tomorow.

[C-Bart]

Can't answer for everyone or even Orich but as a LBS I can say a great deal of pain comes from trying to wrap our arms around what is happening. One day our S is a loving person, saying and doing loving things. Then what seems like the next day everything has changed and the script comes out. ILYButs, I want out, etc. etc. The WAS has had months if not years to work through all the details and they have created ways to detach. That is were the scripts come into play as justification for how they treating the R or acting in a particular way. Not only did my W throw scripts at me she set out to destroy my reputation so she could be justified in leaving me. Don't know if this is typical or not.

...I have to think that the main reason you (or anyone) does not detach in their stitch is b/c they don't want to.

I agree with you on this from the standpoint that we only do things we want to do either on a conscious or sub-conscious level. In cases such as dealing with a WAS however we tend to default back to behavior that worked for us in the past. Things like writing notes, sending flowers, kissing the backside of the S. Even things like manipulative behavior using guilt as a tool of control may have worked in the past. The logic, however flawed , is if its not working, try harder. The DB process runs counter to everything we know or learned from Love Boat re-runs. I'll save the cultural rant for another day. Detaching takes time and understanding. It also calls for the detach-er (word?) to rely on their own self worth. If as we tend to do, attach our identity to our S and our M we have to actually detach from or re-invent ourselves. All of this takes time and a trip down a very dark and scary highway.

You are afraid that the love you feel for her will go away. Am I right or wrong?

Maybe. From my perspective it was more that I didn't want my W to think things were working. After all if I was happy and getting on with my life she must not have been needed. There were many time early in my sitch were I wanted the love I had for my W to just go away. I would have taken any pill made to get rid of that useless feeling. Looking back I can see it very clearly now. But that was a year ago

[Fallgirl]

I know you don`t mean it in jest Orich but when you said

"W is home. More of the same. God give me strength. Right now all I want is to sleep"

I had to laugh! That is just soooo like what I feel when I see H`s long face coming in the door!!

He did admit recently though that it would be easier if I weren`t getting on so well i e he wants me to be miserable with him. They don`t really of course. I think of his long face being part of his test to drag me into the pit with him and then say"See, neither of us are happy with this. Let`s call it quits"

That`s why, Orich, you`ve gotta get yourself out of the house from time to time and go have fun!

Yes, tell her in advance of your plans. Yes, expect her to be annoyed/make it difficult for you, at least initially.(remember they don`t like to see you smile while they can`t)But secretly she`ll be pleased that you`re not all wrapped up with work/home.

And best of all, you get something to look forward to!

I`ve done a ton of things like that. Just getting away with or without the kids, with friends or on my own. It has even been as simple as getting all dolled up to go get a coffee in Starbucks and wander around the 24 hour store. Your W doesn`t need to know exactly what you`re up to -a little mystery is good.

[Orich]

I awoke this morning still feeling a general sadness, but not as acute as yesterday.
I thought about Sandi's post, and I think there is some validity to it. Already I am at a point where I don't want to be around her. Right now it's because it is too painful. When I am apart from her, she is her old loving self in my mind. When we are together, she is a person I'd rather not be with just then. Maybe I am scared of losing feelings for her.
I do know that I am definately afraid that by detaching I am making it easier for her to leave me. She has said on several occasions that she doesn't want to hurt me, so there is a part of me that says if she doesn't see me hurt, then she is OK to go. Not a healthy way of looking at it, but there it is.

[givingitmyall]

O,

For me, the fear I initially had was what you describe - that by detaching, I would be giving W exactly what she wanted and would be making it easier for her to leave - "Oh, he's ok now."

She may see it that way, but its more likely to confuse her b/c it doesn't fit with the way she planned it all out. And I think detaching makes the WAS pause to consider what they are about to do. Then reality begins to creep into the picture for them and it, too, isn't what they planned.

So detaching upsets their plan and provides you with peace, strength, objectivity and makes you more attractive.

Again, what other choice do you have if you really don't want to be miserable anymore?

[Orich]

Bear with me on this, here is what I don't understand. I don't believe W has a plan. I don't think she said, OK, I'm gonna suddenly turn around and leave my husband for whatever reason. He will be miserable, and I will live happily ever after. Wait, what's this? He isn't miserable? Now I am confused, maybe I'll stay.
I think it is more like W has gradually lost her feelings for me. She doesn't think they will come back. She isn't evil, she doesn't wish pain and suffering on me, and she verbalizes this. She doesn't have a plan, she's making it up as she goes along. Ultimately she is going to do what is best for her in her mind whether I am happy or not.
All that being said, I do understand that it would be better for me to appear happy and doing well, because that is more attractive than sulking and moping.
So, this is the core of my fear. If I show her I am doing fine, there is an equal chance of her being attracted to me again as there is of her easily deciding to move on because I am OK. Does this make sense to anyone? I don't understand this concept of scripts and plans. I think W is confused, doesn't know what to do. And I have to come up with a plan of my own to keep her interested in me.
I will continue to try and detach because I thinks the odds are better for me that way, and if it doesn't work out, I will be better for it.

[JKL2009]

I hear you Orich, but generally women don't do stuff like this without a plan. They think things though, at least to some extent. As for you, yes you need a plan to. That plan is DB - being attractive while giving her space so she is drawn to you, you getting a life and being positive and being someone she wants to be with. And if she doesn't, you will be stronger and better off because of the DB work.

[Orich]

I understand about the DBing, and I am trying to apply the principals. I don't understand the plan thing, though. What is she actually planning? And how does my being miserable fit into that plan? I'm not being beligerant, I am trying to understand this.