That's the hard part of DBing, on the one hand you're dedicated to saving your M, on the other hand, you have to be willing to let it go even if your spouse says they want to come back, if they aren't willing to take responsibility for their actions and work toward fixing the damage.
In my case, yeah, the whole second best thing is something I think about and it troubles me. She will need to do some serious convincing if she wants me to believe she really wants to be with me, and not because OM is so far away and wouldn't move here. There is more history and complication than that though, and I know it. In a way, I was first choice and I blew it. She had her chance with OM long ago and soundly rejected him, while she pursued me like crazy when she met me. Only after our M buckled under the weight of 3 kids in 4 years, an endless fixer-up house project, medical problems, and financial difficulties did she decide to give OM another chance. Kind of pathetic for him in a way. Does he not see how she has run from all her problems and responsibilities? She still tells me she grieves every day for the life she wanted to have with me. I wonder if OM knows that? So if we somehow can find a way to reconcile, I think I will be able to believe I am first choice in her heart again. It'll take time and work though.
Thanks Phoenixdeux, I do need to be in a place where I can truly see my life as totally fine without her before I am equipped to face that decision. I know that, and I'm working on it. I'm most of the way there. We're all having a great time at my parents house, and I only feel sorry for her that she's not here to enjoy this awesome family time. The kids have done some very cool stuff, and those are memories she'll never have. They haven't even mentioned her, and when I asked them today if they wanted to talk to her on the phone, they all said no (I made them do it anyway). I know that isn't because they don't love her, it's because for kids their age "out of sight, out of mind" is the way they work. I know they don't think about me when they're with her, and I hate it.
