Seperated

[LitlHopeAlwys]

You are in my prayers WL2009 - I wish you the best of luck and everyone else who finds themselves in these situations.

Yesterday was what would've been our 8th wedding anniversary - I have been in a funky mood days prior to coming up on it. Decided that even though we have not been living together for 6 months now that I was going to give her a card - but not directly.

Bought an anniversary card - one that I found very fitting for my feelings - since I have been spending everyday with S3 since being unemployed (loving the bonding between us), I decided the best way to give it to her was in her back pack without saying anything to her. Got read the riot act by her for trying to teach him to swim in aunt's pool without his life vest - just shrugged it off, telling her I was right there the whole time, then S3 brings up went in the ocean with me a couple of days ago - more life vest issues - just re-assured the W that I had him, and was holding him and teaching him how to use the waves. Where the life guards - yes - and I have more confidence in myself then I do the guards. How badly that I wanted to ask her how is it ok for S3 to go skinny dipping in pool with cousin F7? I just let it go, didn't have the fight in me. Leaned in window to give s3 kiss bye - W says how bad she would like to drive right now and run me over - that's how you feel then do it. Not worth spending life in jail.

So today when she comes by S3 and I are setting up a tent in back yard, he wants to sleep out in it. She helps set up the tent - voluntarily - guess it was pretty bad that i couldn't remember how it went. So in the middle of setting it up, she says I got your card - I totally forgot about it, and answered what card.. brief silence.. oh that card - Couldn't get a reading on her about it - couldn't see her facial expression - I guess the fact that she acknowledge it is possibly good, or she'll just find a way to use it against me later in court. Nothing else said about it, she continued to help me set up the tent and then said maybe S3 can sleep over tomorrow night and stay in it - that's a surprise to me, after all it's not my time with him. When S3 was in car W shows me that she found 3 jobs that she wants to send my resume to and asked if it would be OK. Told her whatever you feel is best.

Wished her a good night - It's so hard knowing that I want our R and M to work out, and knowing that she has been on dates with other guys and just doesn't care - or so she acts. Because she constantly reminds me that this is not easy for her and that I have no idea what she is going through. I wish I did.. I wish she would talk to me and let me know what is happening in her life - maybe then a friendship can start to rebuild everything slowly between us.

Sorry if I rambled at all - been having problems with thoughts and emotions the past few days.