Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2!

[sandi2]

BJ, I'm glad you know that you would be a good catch for another woman. That is exactly the attitude you need to have. I don't personally think people should date while M, but that is something I suppose each one has to decide for themselves. Be careful about the Internet chat sites. I learned the hard way. I was curious also....and very lonely & depressed. It makes one ripe for an EA and even though you feel that you would be doing this to see how your W would react, you are in a vulnerable position and could end up in matters being worse than already are. Not knowing how long your W thinks it will be before she plans to D you, makes one think that you have to go on living and not wait forever...on the other hand, if you still hold out hope of reconciling the M...you want to be very careful not to get another person involved, right? Oh, it is all so complicated at times. I do hope you make plans ahead of time to find places to go and things to do that keep you away from her as much as you can....without it taking you away from your kids too much.

As I told you once before, the OM's looks has very little to do with your W's attraction to him. I can see why that would be hard for you to understand and especially since you are more handsome than he is. Your W is headed for a fall and there is no doubt about that, it is just a matter of "when" and hopefully, it will be before she goes through with a D. I still hope she will get her eyes open even if her other feelings doesn't want to follow. But she may have her head so far into OM that she doesn't see OW noticing you. Hard for me to believe that a W would not see that, but some things can blind us.

I still say not to enable her in any way that would help her continue her A. When my H threatened to throw the computer out the back door, that scared me b/c it was almost my only means of contact to OM. My H would have missed the computer, but he would have thrown it away in order to keep me from contacting OM on it. Even though I could have found other computers, it would not have been very handy and I could not have had the freedom that I had in the privacy of my own home. So, there may be some things that you will have to sacrifice in order to not enable your W's A. I think the largest area that you need to hit hard and fast is with the finances. If the two of you are going to be S, then don't you think she needs to feel the pinch? If she continues to enjoy all the nice things she did before, what change will there be outside of the fact she's not sleeping with you? I know you aren't going to cut her food supply off or anything like that, but I think you know what I mean. I don't believe she even realizes all the ways she can suffer the consequences of being S (even in the same house), but you need to show her. The first thing is she should not have any of your income for her personal expenses and she should have to pay for some of the household expenses.

Since she has been so brazen with her A and thought so little of you or her children, then you might need to act accordingly where friends are concerned. In other words, don't attend get-togethers with your W. Simply explain to friends that you are S "in-house". I know that will be difficult but you have to stop protecting her, and that is exactly what you have done up until this time. So, don't go ANYWHERE with her....don't even make it a "family" outing with her and the kids together b/c you have done that and it did not work. BJ, you will want to do it for your kids, but it is time for you to stop having those family things and just tell yourself that it is tough love you are applying to your W. If you end in a D, you would not continue to have those family outings anyway, so now is the time to show her how it would be if D.

Act like you are S and don't watch TV together. Dont try to carry on pleasant conversations with her. The only thing I would say to do anything together "for the sake of the kids" would be if you ate dinner at the table all at the same time. Yes, it will be hard, but if it ends in a reconciliation, it will be worth it, and if it doesn't....it wouldn't change anything. I'm saying that you don't need to do anything at all with her. Make everything different, now. Make her feel the sting of her decision! Don't do any of those nice things you've always done b/c you've learned the hard way that being the "nice guy" did not work. Read Puppy's old thread and you will see how much he had to learn that lesson. It's not fun to be the tough guy, but it is necessary...now. If life continued at home the way it had in the past then your W would have no reason to back down from her decision. So that is why I say to make everything different from what it has been and make her feel the crunch. I'm not saying that you have to go around like you are mad at the world, but just act like you could care less "about her"! Women can't stand that! It is good that you are ticked b/c that will help you to detach and maybe you will get to the place that you don't care so much what she decides to do and then it won't hurt so badly. It usually takes men that much before they can truly drop the rope and that is when the WAW usually realizes what she's done. I think I've said all this before, so I won't just keep on, but I mainly wanted to let you know that I am still in your corner supporting you.