Hey S, you ok? Listen, you feel what you feel. But let me ask you something? Do you feel better having said what you said to him? If you do, no worries, right?
The thing is this, he keeps trying to tell you things and you arent REALLY listening. But re-read some of your last few posts and you'll see what I mean.
Now, if you dont care if he is trying to tell you something, then everything is cool. But if you do, then, what are you going to do differently?
I get the boundary thing. But what exactly is your boundary? Is it that if he sees her, he cant come home? Or he can see her but he has to come home or he can see her with other people around? You see what I mean?
You set a boundary for you. But, it has to be a clear, consistent boundary that you are going to follow through on. Otherwise, it is just an empty threat.
Look, him seeing the ow sucks. Big time. But how do you think he is going to look at what you said.
I know this is so hard for you. I get that it is something you cannot tolerate. But I just want to save you some stuff down the road. Because you will have stuff to deal with if you dont let him handle this himself and just get out of the way.
Hang in there, Sweetie. You can do this. I know you can.
It sounds like you are pushing for a commitment he isn't quite ready to make. Just some of the comments, like the maybe on exclusive dating. Yes, it is logical to us and actually sounds stupid to even ask for it but...
And the "I will tell you if there is someone else". I too have heard that. Honestly, I wanted to reply, why would you tell me when you lied about OW? but I can't say that either. You are trying to regain trust by getting him to show you in ways that you want, while he just wants to be given the opportunity to live and let you see that you can trust him. I also heard the "I don't want to be told what to do" thing. He is warning you that things could move in the other direction if you are not extra careful now. Please be careful.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Hey Guys, I appreciate all the love. That's why I come here!
But it's very simple for me and he's clear on my boundary.
You go out with her alone, we're done. That's how I feel, my self respect does exist.
The long and short of it is this: he stayed home alone last night.
So I'm hoping he did that for me. I made it clear to him from the time it was obvious she was leaving, and we were talking about us again, no more time alone with her. He made other promises, I didn't ask for them. As he was making these promises, I told him then, "Just don't hang out alone with her anymore" to which he said "I only did that maybe three times and for a few hours at most." Whatever. And he added "You have nothing to worry about, I want nothing to do with her, especially hanging out with her. I hope she quits tomorrow!" (they work together and asking him to quit is not really an option as his job is very specific)
Last night as he was telling me, "Well, it was going to be a bunch of people but they all bailed, it's looking like just me and OW", I told him "This is a person you had physical contact with and I'm uncomfortable with you being with her alone. I don't understand why you would hang out with her after all she's done and all you've said about her, but whatever, if it's a group of you I'll deal with it since you do work with her. But alone....why put yourself in temptations path?"
He swore up and down that he has no desire to touch her ever again. (Frankly, I hope that true, but like many here, I have my doubts.) My response was this "Then talk to her on the phone. Don't put yourself in a bad spot."
He accused me of controlling him. I said "I guess I understand the accusation but again, for me, it's really a matter of you wanting to hang out with her alone is painful for me. If you are serious about us, I see no reason why you think it's ok to hang out alone with this particular person, all things considered. I don't think I'm out of line to ask this of you, to show me your level of committment to us. If I were telling you to not do this, (and by the way, I'm asking) just because I just don't want you to, it really has no impact or bearing on me, I just want to see if you will listen, then that's controlling. I'm not lying when I tell you, if you go out with her alone, I will be truly hurt. I'm asking you to not do this. Your choice."
He didn't go out. He called around 8 to say good night. I didn't hear the phone as I was in the shower. I called him back. He talked to S for a few minutes. I got back on the phone and he says "See, all that drama for nothing." I wanted to drive over there and punch him. Fortunately for him, I don't know where he lives (by design). And then after that comment I wondered if they were ever planning to go out at all. Was he just trying to push my buttons? I have to believe no, but I wondered.
But this is my boundary. I have not asked him to sever all contact. He actually promised that on his own, with no prompting from me. I knew he wouldn't be able to live up to it so I just let it go in one ear, out the other. And he does still work with her, she's about 10 feet away from him. So trying to be realistic here, it just wasn't going to happen unless she quit, which she has.
When I learned she quit....I knew there would be a going away party. At first I really wanted to ask him to not go at all. But then I thought about it and decided, "Ok, go. But please just come home to us when the evening is over" and he agreed no hesitation.
Here's the funny part....he can't go to the going away party because Fiance will be here and they don't like each other and it would be very awkward for them both the be there....and guess Fiance trumps co-worker.
Just got off the phone with H. He texted me twice, I didn't answer right away. First text at 12:10 "Are you excited?" (I have a my first tennis tournament tonight) 10 mins later "Where are you playing?" I text him for both 10 mins later "Yes, I'm very excited and playing at a city court." He texted back "I will pick up S...thinking about taking him golfing (if the weather holds out)" I said "Thanks".
Later he tried to call me, I didn't hear the phone. I texted back...."I have a tournament this weekend you have one next weekend...shouldn't we switch weekends for S, since I have him this weekend you have him next?"
He texted back "I tried to call you...I have to work Saturday, remember?"
He then calls me and I said, "That's right I forgot."
But we were talking and he said he was going to take S golfing this evening with his league and I could pick him up from the course and he was going to go out with another co-worker who's last day is tomorrow, another guy, not ex OW. I said "but you have S tonight."
He said "ok I don't have to go but I was going to get a drink with him tonight to say bye and go home early because I do have to work tomorrow and not bother with tomorrow night at all which I thought you would prefer." And he adds, You Know Who is not going out tonight.
So now he's going to grab a drink with guy co-worker tonight, not go out at all tomorrow and is staying with us tonight and tomorrow and told me he's not ever going out with her again....it would be no fun.
Since he was trying to accomodate me and my feelings, I told him "Why don't you drop S off at friend's tonight instead of taking him golfing? That golf crew tonight would not appreciate his presence and S's three favorite ladies are doing dinner at Friend's.....Friend, Friend's Daughter(her daughter is in town--S LOVES her) and Another Friend (mutual good frined of me and H)?" He said "Oh I didn't know that why didn't you tell me?" So he's dropping S off there, going to golf, then to guy co-worker's little deal tonight, then coming home. He said "See, we need to communicate more like this."
Are you kidding? We have no problems communicating when b!tch is out of our lives. As a matter of fact, it's easier to not only communicate, but because I actually have his attention and we laugh and play more too.
I swear, I am going to get through this.
have I told you I can recite the alphabet....backward?
Has H addressed the reason he got involved w/OW. OW is a symptom, not the problem. If the problem is not addressed and worked through, he'll cheat again.
How do you know he was home alone last night?
What is he showing you - as far as actions - that you think is positive for your M?
Nope you're not because I can answer the questions happily!
Yes, we are addressing those issues that led us here today. For the last two months, there's been a lot of talk and very good talk about what got him here and what got me here. Both of us have actually heard each other too. So slow progress but true effort on his part...can't take that from him at all.
But he still has his knuckle head moments.
He did the Skpe (sp?) thing with us multiple times. He has to be at work at 4:00 or 4:30 am. He is asleep by no later than 9:30 or 10:00, we skped with him last at 9:40 or so. So I guess who could have gone out after that. Doubt it.
If you read back my birthday was a blast because of him. He's making more effort toward me in terms of every day communication, texts, calls, etc and we hang out much much more and he's inviting me as his "date" to events again around his golf buddies and most recently co-workers. And he calls me his wife again in conversation. There's more but I got to bolt. I'll be back!
