Long Journey .......... advice please

[Sanderika]

Hi there Cas,

I just returned from work and have read through the chats of the day. Here are some of my thoughts.

First I want to tell you my H said all the same things and did all the same things. It was not until about 10 months ago that my H started to feel remorse for his actions and show compassion again for my feelings. That means for the better part of 3 years and 3 months H was a sh*t to me. Not all the time, a lot of the time. More than I deserved for sure.

When you speak to H in an email be very careful. It is said, and I have to agree, an email can come across the wrong way. What in your mind you are typing out seems friendly enough can be taken as absolutely unfriendly, rude or even hurtful to the recipient.

Begin by speaking to H like he is your best friend. If you wouldn't even think to speak it to your best friend definitely don't speak it to H.

My best guess on this one is do not send H an email and confront him of your dislikes at all. I understand your feelings and completely agree with you that you should not have to be spoken to or treated unkindly by H.

H feels completely in the right to do as he pleases right now even if he's rude and unkind and hurtful. It's all about him.

If I were you I would save my comments and actions for the very next time H behaves like this. It seems like the crisis has blown over anyway, even more reason to let this one go.

The next time, perhaps handle H this way:

Use this during his tantrum at some point when he comes up for air.

"H, if you have finished, I first want to say I am sorry you feel this way. Second, I cannot take part in a conversation in which you berate me. I am more than willing to continue this conversation later after you have calmed down. Call me later if this is something you want to do. I have to go for now, goodbye."

Cas, when you speak to H, the others are right...mothering will not work. Just like more scolding will not work. What you are looking for is the happy medium. You want to validate H thoughts and feelings while showing respect for yourself. You also do not want H to think you are closing a door.

You want to come across as direct, keep it simple and short and throw his problems back on him. For him to be so angry with you it is H way of taking his problems out on you. So you give them back to him.

The way your last post sounds, H has possibly forgotten already what happened before or at least for now. That is the MLC mind at work. As long as it is light and friendly, keep it that way.

Definitely reply as to your doctors appointment in ref to the post-op concern. If he cared enough to suggest a new appointment he cares enough to hear the results.

((((Hugs Cas))))

Keep us posted, I hope the concern is nothing but your overimagination....get it checked out just in case, it's worth looking into for sure. You will have piece of mind once you do. If's is a real problem, they can fix it right up before it manifests into something worse.

Sanderika