Thanks to all of you. I know I am a basket case and pretty pathetic. So thanks for the time.
Virtually Handsome: I will go out and get that book. It is one I havent read and will do so asap.
What do I want??? I want the husband I had back. The man I loved prior to the affairs. That man was kind and loved me, flaws and all. That is what I want, but I have come to realize that I cant have that man anymore, he no longer exisists. Although he made it through his crisis, some of the ideals he held onto to justify the affairs have remained. Like the one that he is a visual person...blah blah blah.....and the one that if he would have stayed with her he knows it would have been different but he thinks he would have been happy....
So that being said, I know I need to work to get to a place to make some decisions that are in my best interests and not his or my sons. I will hold off on anything until my son starts counseling...I will be his sounding board and example until then. I know he is perfectly capable of understanding how my situation differs from his but will feel better doing so once he has someone he can work with to get through his issues.
I am just so damn mad. I make up my mind to just get it over with then have an appt with my lawyer who lets me know the legal and financial ramifications of this decision and wham, I am back to square one. It infuriates me that I will be left with the bulk of the debt. Debt that was incurred so that he could quit his job and go back to school so he could be a happy person again and we could put our marriage back together. We live in CA. I make twice what he does. I will have to pay back 1/2 of all of this debt when he is only one who benefitted from it and will have to give up 1/2 of my retirement. His is gone, it was used to pay off the debt he had during his time with Ow and some of the schooling.
I will lose my house. I know it is just four walls so to speak but for me it became a symbol. That I could stand on my own two feet and live life without him and be just fine. That was before we had to refinance twice and add a second to get thim through school. If not for the above, I could have afforded it just fine. Yes, I made the decisions to do this but it was back when I still had so much hope that we were on the way to a better stronger marriage and it wasnt just what I wanted to believe, he did everything he could to make sure I believed it.
So, do I stay in a marriage that is really just a friendship and maintain my financial security to a degree or do I file for divorce and plummet into financial ruin?
The simple answer would be do what I need to make me happy but then I am trading one set of issues for another whole set that could be equally as devastating.
As for me looking to him to make me happy? I dont do that anymore, My days and weekends are full. I do things that make me happy. I just wanted to look to him for affection, etc that is usually part of a marriage or relationship. That is something that he will not willing give to me.
He is kind to me, he helps around the house and contributes financially. We do things together all the time. So it is not a wholly uncomfortable place to be in. It is just sad and not what I expected when I made the decision to stay in the marriage. If I could do it all over again, I would go down a very different road.
