W can't break EA - not sure how to handle it

[25yearsmlc]

Wow. I had just caught up on everything. Obviously, if you read my whole thread; my wife does not need to be "taken". And although, I believe this can be done in a respectful way. Way too many men take this mentallity to the extreme. I know way too many women's lives have been devastated by men's behavior that believe this perverted ideal that "Women want it."

And now something that happened 20 years ago is not only impacting my W's life; but it is impacting mine and our 2 lovely daughter's lives. One man's desire for a few seconds of pleasure has far reaching effects. However, I am sure a beast like that would not care.

Now robx. I am not comparing you to my wife's rapist. But had you know her entire life's story, I think you would agree with me that "being taken" is definitely not what she needs.

By the way, although sometimes my massages do become sexual; I never assume it. I give W foot massages for a couple of reasons:
1. because she will often put on the foot lotion herself anyway.
2. It is a good time to have a conversation.

God Bless you Tristan. Can't tell you how much THIS post touched me. As I said on Orich's thread once, half jokingly, "Can a guy just give me a back rub without it leading to ML?" The guys pretty much said "NO WE CAN"T! We are men..."

I had a back surgery in 2001 and the physical therapist said to get massages for 20-30 min PER DAY and yet "No ML" for the month post surgery and I recall thinking, "well THAT Phys Therapy won't happen" b/c h was literally not capable of a massage for more than 5 min without it going elsewhere... AND truthfully, 20 min USUALLY WOULD put me in the mood, but sometimes, I just want to feel healing and not think of "are the doors locked, the kids asleep? Laundry, dogs? Will he take enough time so we BOTH enjoy it since he could only massage me for 5 min?" and lastly, I used to feel a little hurt and thought "Can h just show me physical affection without something in it for himself?"

But when I see it as something NOT necessarily leading to ML, IT IS, ironically, a turn on. That's b/c it's NOT manipulation YET it IS affection and healing...make sense?

And the point about "women wanting to be taken" is something I heard on a "how to" tape written by a man, from 25 years ago about sex and it turned me off big time. I have not been raped but came pretty close to it, and had to climb out a window to avoid it and was told "relax" about 5 times before the idiot went to get me a drink so I could run home 3 miles in the dark, thank you very much....but aside from that, it has a possessiveness abnd objectivisation about it that Hollywood perpetuates. Kind of like how sometimes Indiana Jones slaps the girl and THEN kisses her and she lets him?
That always irritates me. Or slaps the woman TO CALM HER DOWN!!

Um, that is NOT what would put ME in the moood....yeah, slap me around and I'll get super romantic...

Having said that, there IS a certain level of passion and lust that MAYBE is what was intended by that comment. Don't know. But I DO know people should read your whole thread to comment.

I have read yours. Your wife has big issues tristan and God bless you for seeing them. Listen to the shrink. Your w has NOT been "stable" for very long and you want to have this big confrontation? I mean at some point you will have to. But yeah, timing IS everything....and OM IS a jerk of course. If you do confront him, you can say among other things that YES THERE IS A CHANCE FOR YOUR M and he's trying to take that away b/c he blew his own m....what type of man does this to a woman switching meds with kids and a h who loves her at home? A cad....that's what type. Shame on him.

Kudos to you for owning your insecurities about the job promotion your w got. I'm sorry you were weak in that area and selfish but you seem to get that now. BTW MOST m's report their least happy times after the birth of the 2nd child, so you have that factor NOT in your favor but it IS normal, AND she was working full time, like I was. And that was a tough time to like being m for me too, as h was very busy at work and NOT as helpful at home as he should have been AND I had a stressful job as a full time trial L and was a mom with 2 little ones. VERY HARD LIFE and it seemed all h did was go to work, work hard as heck THERE and come home...and study or sleep b/c of sleep deprivation. He did this for years and years. We lived "married singles' lives" for years. I worked hard as heck 24/7...never got "off my shift and was always on call"...

As you can tell by the signature though, we are a success story. No not all our problems are solved, but we will remain married and committed to making and keeping it a happy one.

I only claimed the Div "Busted" a few weeks ago b/c I was not totally sure until then. We were reconciled, and in piecing for over 18 months but forgiveness was a bigger struggle than I expected (on both ends ironically) and etc etc. NO hijack intended....(also did Retrovaille and found it VERY helpful, fyi.)

You will get conflicting advice here. But it IS supposed to be in line with the DB principles and if not, imo, posters should go elsewhere to post. I mean only that if someone is arguing against DB, I don't know why they are here on this site. But it happens.

You are on track but a bit impatient about the medical issues. I mean those meds take time. At least she's working on getting THAT better. ANy chance she'd switch jobs? I mean SOON, rather than later?

It wouldn't totally = confronting IF that is not something the shrink thinks is a good idea but it WOULD lower HER stress level. What about her staying at home with the kids awhile? A vacation too? She needs to reconnect with YOU and disconnect from the stressers..../snakes, etc.

just a thought...
j-