It was the first nite where I slept for more than 5 hours, without waking up shaking and feeling the urge to vomit.
I sincerely doubt she is experiencing the same problems. So it seems like I am still punishing myself.
cipa,
Your presumption as to what she is or isn't experiencing and being racked with guilt and all that comes along with that is entirely unfounded. Sure, what she is experiencing is not going to be the same as that which you are. But she is on a very rough and bumpy road in life right now.
I think that it is pretty clear that underneath all the major amounts of garbage that she does have love for you. And that love coupled with the gilt and more than likely shame of the crisis and pain that she has brought upon you is going to take a heavy toll on her if it isn't already beginning to happen.
SHe is to be pittied, Be detached but lovingly detached as you seem to be doing marvelously.
