My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[aliveandkicking]

Listen, I sooo relate to you! But you hesitating to handle a situation that involves your kids because you fear that a woman who told you already she considers herself divorced and is having sleepovers with OM and your kids, just makes me nuts to read.

I want an experienced guy to chime in here and back me up. But, I am just not seeing the benefit of you wavering with regard to the kids.

I mean basically, she has you by the balls threatening for divorce...not good for your mental stability. Read other sitches here, fear of divorce can really screw up rational action taking. Trust me.

[theroadback]

Anyway, you see my predicament.
No I dont ...get your kids right now!! and do not let them any where near the om or his family... man you need to grow a pair..

[aliveandkicking]

thank you!

[RedSoxFan]

aliveandkicking & theroadback,

I am all for your advice. I guess I've been looking at it like I walked out on her 10 months ago. How can I fault her for going on with her life? Admittedly we are not divorced and I still love her and want to save our family but she was just chugging along until I healed myself, popped up and asked her to reconcile. That must feel really rude from her perspective. I do want to give her a fair chance. The thing with the kids really complicates things and confuses me. In the end I have to put the kids first.

BTW. I am in no way afraid to act. I just want to be smart

[Dia]

That's similar to my sitch, Sox. I was an almost WAW who had decided to stay when I found out H was having an affair with my best friend. Instead of confronting him and the issue, I ran. I started talking reconciliation over a year and a half ago, but we're only just getting anywhere with it now - and I can't say that I know exactly where 'anywhere' actually is. I was in an EA at the time, so H was not the only idiot in the room, either.

[aliveandkicking]

aliveandkicking & theroadback,

I am all for your advice. I guess I've been looking at it like I walked out on her 10 months ago. How can I fault her for going on with her life? Admittedly we are not divorced and I still love her and want to save our family but she was just chugging along until I healed myself, popped up and asked her to reconcile. That must feel really rude from her perspective. I do want to give her a fair chance. The thing with the kids really complicates things and confuses me. In the end I have to put the kids first.

BTW. I am in no way afraid to act. I just want to be smart

Ok, IMO you need to separate your misdeeds and desire to reconcile from the issues that involve the kids. You are actively submitting that they are related. Stand your ground and make that distinction with her and with yourself.

You can cut her all of the slack in the world regarding her treatment of you or desire to be with OM but you need to be calm, measured, clear and consistent regarding the kids. I think you need to stop ALL pursuing of any kind so you can first gain trust in the co-parenting department. She should know that you accept her decision, that you are living your own life and that you are only interested in co-parenting. She will not trust your input with the kids if she feels you are making a play for her.

Nothing that happened or happens between the two of you diminishes either of your responsibility to the kids.

Again, make it safe for her to trust you as a co-parent FIRST and foremost.

My two cents.

[Stronger]

I do.
But at this point I think you need to play very very hard ball. This maybe your last chance.
It's very hard. It's very difficult.
And the outcome of divorce is paralyzing.

[RedSoxFan]

Should I demand that w completely removes OM from the lives of our children, basically causing her to reverse herself bigtime? If I do this I have no way to enforce it but she will likely comply while she moves forward with disillusion or more likely an expensive divorce at that point. You know the OM will pressure her to end it if I push him out. Is that the approach?

Should I ever consider discussing with him directly? If so when? If I make no progress with her?

[theroadback]

I picture myself in your shoes and no way would I let my kids anywhere near that situation.

Do you think they want be around all those strange people? I can’t say for your kids but mine would be confused and scared. I actually feel bad for them. I just think they would feel so much better with you.

[RedSoxFan]

OK so we just finished up a conversation. She basically says that she is going to correct the situation with OM. She says the kids will see very little of him but that she will not lie about dating him. She says he's putting a lot of pressure on her and I think she's afraid of how he'll react when she tells him she needs to back off. He's going to think its me working my way in to get her back (that's my thought not her words). I don't really feel completely comfortable with her solution though it is a big step from where we were. I have no rights by law unless the kids are in danger and they're not that I know of.

I also just found out that our kids know they're dating. She had told me previously that she told our kids that they were just friends and when she slept over she slept on his sofa. So his kids told our kids "isn't it cool that our parents are dating" What kind of selfish person would do something like that knowing the other woman was still married. Yuck

Part of me wonders if she's gotten herself into a position that its hard to get out of while saving face. Maybe wishful thinking on my part. I still believe she loves me and I still believe there is a chance.

So should I take this small win and keep pushing forward in the battle? Staying in her life and putting pressure on while he does the same?