Thank you! Your support PIgskin and Giving really help lift my spirits. He has recently opened up a list of things he needed "for years" but for a long time hid inside. Some changes are :
-taking better care of the house and yard - he is much neater than I am and I realize what I am comfortable with is not what he is comfortable with - cleaner desks, cleaner yard, no dishes in sink, etc.
- not interrupting him or walking away - this is hard when he is screaming at me, but I guess I have to do it. Also, my therapist told me I should walk away if he is being verbally abusive, so there's a conflict there in my mind.
- staying calm - oh this has been my hardest one because we are both volatile people and I get resentful that he only sees that I should stay calm while he admits he should be able to swear, vent, yell, whatever he feels. But he says I am the one who has been too volitile over the years all I can do is take responsibility fo rmy part in it. However, when I do express remorse, appologize, say I am working on it in therapy, etc, he just says he doesn't believe me so I don't know what to do.
-he doesn't want me to say "you do it to" although our therapist agrees we both have habits that lead to horrible fights, he does not in any way want to feel blamed. I understand this because I don't either. However, I am trying to be the one who changes. It just hurts to be blamed myself.
- doing what I say I will do - follow through. He is nitpicking every little thing I do or don't do but I need to be extra careful or else he explodes at the tiniest thing.
-admit our side of our sex issues - again, it's both of us, but I guess he's not willing to look at his side now. So I need to not ask him. I don't know how I can take more resp. here if he won't touch me!
That's all I can think of now - I've told him I'm joining coda and a sex abuse support group to work on myself and he still doesn't believe me...and I can't get to the housework until my son is back in school next month. Ugh. every night he is either gone or droppin in to yell about what I've done wrong. It's very depressing.
