- from what I gather she is a social worker (correct me if I'm wrong), to be able to perform those duties responsibly means that she is in command of her mental faculties. She is also training others in this area: so she is able to provide guidance and also provide training/education. I don't sense and again I could be wrong that she is mentally deficient in this or any other area.

She is attracted to another man, infatuated enough to not want to let go of him. She is seeing this OM, sharing meals with him, discussing "open apartments", she feels guilty for her actions & feelings yet continues to do them because she can't help feeling attracted to him - that's how attraction works, we don't get to choose who we're attracted to. She is talking about separation yet still enjoys the security of her home and the relationship with her husband who currently acts as the backup plan should this relationship with the OM not work out. This is typical of affairs where the WAS is actively having an EA/PA while maintaining some semblance of married life to her spouse.

Tristan is dealing with a spouse who by the account of his own words & descriptions has asked him if he is angry with her, if he wants to kick her out of the home, how long is he going to wait for her, if he still loves her, etc. She is testing him and continuing her actions based on those test results. She knows that Tristan doesn't like the fact she is seeing another man but since Tristan doesn't want to stand up to her and tell her to cease these actions immediately or risk losing him she will continue doing what she is doing. She doesn't risk losing anything so she continues doing what she does and feels guilty because of it and on top of that openly flaunts the fact that she sees the OM, talks to him daily, goes out with him, has lunch with him, etc.

She will continue to do so until Tristan puts his foot down and forces her to make a choice. Why would she change her actions otherwise? What would be the impetus of this change?

For her, "it ain't broke so I won't fix it", she's getting certain needs met by the OM and she still has the security of backup option #2: Tristan.

If Tristan removes himself as backup option#2, he forces her to make a decision. Remaining as option #2 doesn't require her to make a decision, the only time she will make a decision is when the OM gets tired of her and then at that point, she has the security of her backup plan to fall back on.

Currently she's with OM right now, she isn't forced to make a decision between him & her husband so she won't and in reality, since she won't let go of the OM, she is choosing him over Tristan - I hope we all can see this and Tristan allows this/enables this by not requiring her to make a decision to choose OM or himself.

If & when he finally requires her to make a decision and by chance she chooses the OM. Tristan hasn't lost anything, in fact he currently doesn't have his wife, the OM does.

However in this scenario Tristan regains his life, he regains his self-respect because he doesn't compete with the other man (you should never compete with the other person, you don't have to prove you're better, competing communicates that you don't believe you're better already). He gets to live a more honest life, he doesn't have to guess where his wife is and what she is doing or if she really loves him or just provides affection to him because she feels guilty about hurting him.

The fact that she feels guilty is another example that shows that she knows what she is doing. She isn't oblivious to the effects it has on Tristan or her family, she has mentioned as much to him, yet she continues to disrespect him by seeing the OM and regardless of what she says to him, she doesn't respect him. You can't say you respect someone but continue to hurt them and do things to them that are hurtful.

We teach children at an early age that we say sorry when we do things that are considered wrong but we also teach them that saying sorry and repeating those same actions isn't the right thing to do, sometimes saying sorry isn't enough, we have to learn to do better.

When he shows that he truly respects himself, she will respect him and it won't happen before then. Respect & love are tied closely together and without respect, there can be no love - this much I'm certain of.