WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

Well, that's simple CIPA, you haven't been there yet, you're still climbing to the top of the mountain. And when you get there, it's possible you won't see her trailing behind you. But I think you will.

Check out in Newcomers...W Can't Break EA...Now Wants to Separate. Read Robx's posts. I think it might be insightful for you.

I have seen Robx's stuff in other threads. This is where I do agree, I will not continue to want/work/pursue a relationship when there are others involved. I have too much respect for myself to be second best or the backup plan.

All I know is that I am done pursuing her. If she ever pursues me, she may have found me moved on already. A while back, when I told her that about the job offer, I had told her that I have been trying over the past several weeks to find a way to stop loving her as she had seemed to have moved on. I told her that I couldn't find a way to stop. Remarkably, in the one instance 10 days ago, it has happened.

I do think about her, but more with grief of losing a loved one to death. Many people have said that divorce is worse than death as you constantly see the other. I do not see the woman I married anymore. Perhaps it's like the saying, love affects how you see someone. When I would see her in the past, she would glow and exude a radiance that warmed my heart and soul. Now when I see her (in the background of skype), I don't recognize the person.

Will I ever see the person I married again? Who knows. Will I care at the point? Only time will tell.....

Right now, I go back to what has kept me DB'ing. My boys. Before it was for the love I have for my wife as well. That part is gone and replaced with the pain/anger/hurt/saddness/darkness. Sucks but it's the reality.

The crazy part of it was a few weeks ago, she had said that since the seperation, she felt that she has become such a better person and recognized how I have as well. I couldn't believe the BS she had been trying to feed me.

My cousin last nite tried to tell me to hold onto the anger to prevent falling into saddness. I don't think it's the best advice, but I think he was just trying to make sure I wasn't hurting. He had always held onto anger to get through the woes of his life. I had done that when I was growing up on the streets. Anger had served its purpose, but it does not help find peace.

That is what I am searching for most now. Some peace and calm so I can regroup. My time with my boys is about recharging my joy/love in life, but at times I am really tired.

Last nite, I went to bed just before 1:00 AM. That was about 1.5 hours earlier than I had since I found out about her betrayal. It was the first nite where I slept for more than 5 hours, without waking up shaking and feeling the urge to vomit.

I sincerely doubt she is experiencing the same problems. So it seems like I am still punishing myself.

It is great to have people to talk to and this forum to vent/post. I think I would have lost my mind a long time ago without it.

FIDO - survive and thrive.....