Hi and thanks for your ideas. Yeah, I've been thinking that having him at the house has not been good. He still has a key and walks right in, helps himself to whatever food he wants, gets the mail, etc. I never say anything or get angry---no conflict is my motto!
I used to be like that, too. Ironically I found that when I stood up for myself, having boundaries and not letting H encroach on them there was actually less conflict. I would let H rage on and not really do anything. My C told me say to him something like if you're here to see the kids, then do that. If you're to yell at me, then you need to leave." I said that to him and he said you're right or something like that. Another time he was saying something derogatory about me, something really nasty. I called him on it and said what you just said wasn't appropriate, I don't want you to talk to me like that. He thought about it a couple minutes and came into me and said you're right and apologized! I think people like that tend to look on "nice" people as weak, and they respect you when you have boundaries and maintain them. I still try to be nice and polite, but no more doormat stuff...
Hi and thanks! You are right. I've been so worried about what he'd do if I changed the locks or kept him from coming in the house, fearing his rage would flare up and that he'd try to sell the house or file for bankruptcy b/c we have an upside down mortgage. We both have excellent credit in the high 700s/low 800s. But if he "goes off the deep end" and decides bankruptcy is the only way out, that will ruin all of us. I can't let his chronic misery and poor decisions ruin my life or our sons. I really don't think he can do it without my legal consent. For financial and emotional stability for myself and our son, I need to stay in the house for at least a year. We have a contract that stipulates this. But the reality is that neither one of us can afford to sue the other for breach of contract; so it is kind of pointless to even have it.
Originally Posted By: C-Bart
Anyway for H to take S to his house? The less time your H spends in your house the better off you will feel.
I suggested this the other day and H got really weird on the phone, making every excuse for me to not even go near his apartment (in the basement of a house). It was very strange, like he was trying to hide something.
Originally Posted By: C-Bart
Do you truly believe that you are not responsible for his current state of mind?
Yes, great question. That said, I take complete responsibility for my mistakes, causing him heartache and pain throughout our marriage, for making decisions that were more from an "I" point of view instead of a "we" point of view, for not understanding his love language, for not meeting his basic needs, for not being a better wife. You'd have to know our complete history to understand the things I did in words and deeds to make up for my mistakes and make us a family though. I went through hell and back to have a baby for us after having three miscarriages between 2000-2004. When I finally made it happen in 2004, I thought we were strong and that our bond could never be broken. I guess that is why this hurts so much. We had a lot of heartache in our lives since 1997. I dealt with each blow one by one and he just let it all pile up until his pain has overtaken him and pushed him to do terrible things, like turn away from his faith in God and turn to other women (EAs) for emotional support. Our son is a miracle and for him to grow up without a full-time Daddy and without a Daddy who is healthy is breaking my heart.
I do not hold myself responsible for all of his unhappiness or his mental health. I realize now that I was set-up to fail because he has not communicated his unhappiness to me so that I could even do anything about it. Just 2 years ago, he had me believe in his own words that most of his unhappiness was because of our friend's murder, moving, changing jobs, hating where we live, disappointment that his family did not reach out to him when we moved closer, etc. We moved in 2006 and as soon as we moved, he freaked out and said it was a huge mistake. Then he did everything he could to get us back to our lives where we lived before, and when that failed in late 2007, we got stuck here. We had to sell our house and buy a brand new one in the same development. After that, I was worried he'd resent me. We were supposed to start fresh and make our life here good. For most of 2008, he just pulled away from me, away from our son, away from our life. All the while he was in therapy and I thought I was giving him space. He raged and raged at me and our son until he exploded in February. He's now re-written our marriage and calls it "vicious." Every fight we ever had has escalated in his memory.
Thanks for listening. I'm going to take your advice and try to get more distance. Sooner or later, he won't have me to rage at any more but he'll still be miserable. Of course, he and his friends and family will be convinced it's because he is so poor paying 1/2 the mortgage on our house and child support. He told me today that if he had a house of his own, he'd be happy. I don't believe it. No matter what happens, my priority is to ensure my mental well being and that of our son.
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
I used to be like that, too. Ironically I found that when I stood up for myself, having boundaries and not letting H encroach on them there was actually less conflict. I would let H rage on and not really do anything. My C told me say to him something like if you're here to see the kids, then do that. If you're to yell at me, then you need to leave." I said that to him and he said you're right or something like that. Another time he was saying something derogatory about me, something really nasty. I called him on it and said what you just said wasn't appropriate, I don't want you to talk to me like that. He thought about it a couple minutes and came into me and said you're right and apologized! I think people like that tend to look on "nice" people as weak, and they respect you when you have boundaries and maintain them. I still try to be nice and polite, but no more doormat stuff...
Hi, Karen. Thanks! Yeah, I tend to be too nice but that was one of the things that he says attracted him to me. Before H moved out, I bought new sheets for our son's bed at H's house even though H has not bought a bed yet b/c I know money is so tight for him. He has less than $200 for food each month, so I know he is starving. So when he stops by, if I have extra food, I give him some every once in awhile, not every visit. I see this as just being considerate. It used to make him mad and he'd say, "You don't have to cook for me!" in a nasty way. I calmly replied, "Well, no, I made this for me and our son. But I have extra if you'd like some." Tonight, he seemed appreciative when I gave him some pasta salad.
I'm treading lightly b/c he has terrible mood swings and is quite volatile. I just never know what is going to set him off. He has some type of personality disorder (I think borderline personality disorder even though it is more commonly seen in women), so my anger has turned into compassion. He has a mental illness and is very good at covering it up with most people b/c he doesn't let anyone get too close to him. Watching him self-destruct is very painful. Aside from his mental illness and unhappiness, we had so much to be grateful for as a family. He's throwing it all away. Most people would probably love to have the life we had up until 2 weeks ago...
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
I'm treading lightly b/c he has terrible mood swings and is quite volatile. I just never know what is going to set him off. He has some type of personality disorder (I think borderline personality disorder even though it is more commonly seen in women), so my anger has turned into compassion. He has a mental illness and is very good at covering it up with most people b/c he doesn't let anyone get too close to him. Watching him self-destruct is very painful.
I have compassion too for my H. I'm sure he has some issues going on too, but, I think it's even more important to take care of yourself and protecting yourself. You shouldn't in any way let him treat you like crap b/c he has a mental illness. If he's in a rage either he or you should leave the situation. And don't let him talk to you or treat you rudely. I think something that is lacking in many of our marriages is respect, and if you allow him to treat you badly then you lose that.
I'm treading lightly b/c he has terrible mood swings and is quite volatile. I just never know what is going to set him off. He has some type of personality disorder (I think borderline personality disorder even though it is more commonly seen in women), so my anger has turned into compassion. He has a mental illness and is very good at covering it up with most people b/c he doesn't let anyone get too close to him. Watching him self-destruct is very painful.
I have compassion too for my H. I'm sure he has some issues going on too, but, I think it's even more important to take care of yourself and protecting yourself. You shouldn't in any way let him treat you like crap b/c he has a mental illness. If he's in a rage either he or you should leave the situation. And don't let him talk to you or treat you rudely. I think something that is lacking in many of our marriages is respect, and if you allow him to treat you badly then you lose that.
Karen
Thanks---I already put your suggestion into practice today. This morning, we had the first long phone call/conversation that we've had in weeks. Our son has been having a hard time and he wanted to talk in more detail about how our son has been coping. (I took him to see a play therapist b/c he's only 4.) H got really angry with me on the phone, told me that I was keeping details about our son from him, swore at me, and was quite rude. So I calmly said that if he couldn't speak to me without swearing or being hostile, I was going to end the call. To that, he said, "Well, I'll just keep calling you or come to your office!" I calmly said I was going to hang up and that when he calmed down, we could talk again. I hung up the phone quietly! Wow! That was big for me.
Of course, he called me right back. He apologized, although he did it in an angry way so it was insincere. We then proceeded to talk about our son. My H got upset again and said he'd "NEVER BE OK" with any of this in a very hostile way. I know he was referring to the fact that he's not with our son every day. I wasn't sure how to respond or what to say. So I said very little. I reminded him that he decided to move out, not me, and that I do not see any of this as a solution to our problems. I stopped myself from talking about the R or the marriage any more than that though. Whew!
I feel so lost on how to deal with him. I just try to say very little and deflect any of his attempts to draw me into conflict. I'm establishing boundaries and letting him know that I will not engage his rage. I emailed him with some more details on how our son has been acting out and told him that despite his moving out, me and our son continue to think about him and love him every day. (Was that too strong?)
He sent me the following email:
Thank you for the note. Every day I am heartbroken that I am not with him. Most days I drive by the house and cry. However, our relationship deteriorated to a level that was no longer acceptable or healthy for any of us.
Any words of wisdom from anyone else with a WAS (husband)?
Thanks in advance for your time reading my long posts!
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
Thank you for posting that. I'm new here. I haven't posted my sit yet, but I will. Thank you for your words. It's been over a year since you wrote them, but know you are still helping people. I am dying inside and trying to find a way out of my pain so I can do many of the things you wrote about.
