The title of your thread pulled me in. I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. I'm hoping that maybe I can add some perspective that will help. No matter how this ends up your ex will most likely be in this state for years. Hard to hear at least I know it was for me.
I was separated for 4 years and divorced for 3. It has only been within the last 2 months that my ex has resurfaced and filled me in on why things unfold as they do. If he's like my ex he's drinking again because that is the only thing that dulls the pain. Without it life is way too difficult for them but even more so is the guilt. Numbing makes everthing they do to us possible. Samething goes for the OW. She was a diversion to a life that he wasn't satisfied with because he wasn't satisfied with himself. The biggest thing to remember is that you are dealing with a very damaged person. Unfortunately the damage was done before you ever came into his life, so how could you have known the extent of it all. With time and distance, I had kind of figured all of this out on my own by putting the peices together, and also through counceling. Now my ex has freely admitted how his past experience have always haunted him and that so much of this was about what he THOUGHT he had missed out on and how he felt about himself.
Another thing is that most likely your ex gets angry for several reasons. He is still accountable to you not only with the children but also because of the business and the fact that you know so much or ask about his personal business as well. They want to be left alone to do as they please and to make up for all they think they missed. Right now he doesn't want to be rescued at least not by you. In his eyes you are not a partner but an obstacle in him being able to just mosey on and to do as he pleases. They resent our interference. Even asking him those personal questions is in his mind a reminder of why he needs to break free of you. Though we can see so clearly where this is going, they feel as if it's none of our business.
As far as the other woman now wife goes, we all want to put the blame one them. Onething this time and space has taught me is that it was our husbands that directly betrayed us and our children. I know in my heart if it hadn't been the one he hooked up with it would have been someone else. Whether we saw it at the time or not our husbands were already out there searching and the stars were aligning. Oh don't get me wrong, nice people don't do what she did, but your husband's responsibility and loyalty should have been to his family.
Another thing, don't waste your time trying to figure out why he does what he does. The texting and the phone calls most likely mean more to you that they do to him. I hate the term "babysteps". I understand now that this thinking just seems to keep us waiting breathlessly for the next crumb that they throw our way. The truth is that right now you will never know why he married this woman. Was it love or was it him still trying to escape his past by acting out? Only time will tell.
I can tell you this. We all face our own regrets. No escaping that. I have another friend from the board whose timeline may be a bit longer and her ex has basically told her the samething. When your ex reaches that point the only question will be is whether you will be there. Don't feel badly we all have our own life to lead. He chose his road and you have to choose yours.
I can promise you though that no matter which road you take you will look at this time much differently. I have learned so much about myself. The person I was and the person that I have become is someone that I like and respect. My friendships have become deeper, I am a better Mother and mostly I appreciate life and all that I have been blessed with.
Peace, you have just been dealt the cruelest blow, but at the sametime maybe ex has given you the best gift of all, the permission to move on and live your life again. I know that right now reading this doesn't mean much but believe me time does bring healing. The future is unknown but I would bet that the Peace that is here today will be vastly different than the Peace of a year from now. Life in the aftermath or in the meantime can once again be happy and full. You've just got to make the decision to live again.
Who knows? You're story may end up as crazy as mine.
