Thanks for caring. I'm OK. Kinda anxious today. My W has til FRI to file a motion to keep the divorce proceedings active or else it will be dismissed this coming FRI. I don't know what to do. Shall I call her and tell her that I'll do whatever she wants me to do even if I don't want a divorce? Or should I just wait til FRI, then call her to ask her what she wants to do next, if she hasn't filed any motion to continue the proceedings? On one hand, I don't want to embolden her to do anything if I call before FRI. On the other hand, if I call before FRI, I am showing her that I accept her decision regardless of the outcome. I don't know what to do. Any input, Carlos?
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
That anxious feeling is terrible...isn't it? For me it's the reminder of being vulnerable - and also a way of recognizing that I still have to work on letting go of things that are out of my control.
From what I've seen happen on this site over the months, for you to bring it up - even just to let her know that you don't want the divorce - could quickly go in an unexpected direction. From all that you've shared here, I'm pretty sure she knows how you feel - and right now, calling her and telling her you don't want the divorce could just push her more toward it. It doesn't make sense, I know, but it just seems to happen that way all too often. What I would suggest is that if she should bring up divorce that's when you mention that it's not what you want, that you prefer to work on things together, but that you respect her decision and you won't stay in her way.
I know that not doing anything and just waiting until Friday comes and goes seems passive - but that's only the case if you don't use that time between now and then for yourself. If your W doesn't know what she wants to do, asking her about it or even talking with her about it could feel like a lot of pressure. I don't have the DB/DR books with me...but I think it would be a good time to go through them again - just to see what jumps out at you this time about achieving a point of being loving and detached - of loving someone enough to be willing to let her go - and knowing that loving in this way can open you up to a very healthy relationship with yourself - and then with the person you love...
In the meantime, keep busy. If you like Sci-Fi - I would highly recommend District 9 - or maybe go to a concert?
Keep reading other people's threads here as well...there's lots to be gained from what others have experienced (what's worked and what's not worked).
Sorry to read you are feeling anxious...I understand how you would. I agree with Carlos...anxiety gets stirred in me whenever I am reminded that there are things...people, too...about which I care but over which I have no control. Carlos is right that the anxiety is a signal. Unfortunately, that signal often gets interpreted as a need for more control. I react this way instinctively. But, if we learn to let go of the things we cannot control, there is a measure of peace that comes with that, even if the outcome is not what we desire. Not saying that will happen for you - a negative outcome, just that you have to take care of yourself and work on what you can control.
Funny thing though, trying to control that which is beyond our control is the surest way I know to negatively affect the outcome and to harm ourselves.
So, I know it is easy for me to say when you are the one who has to do it...but Carlos is also right that you should keep busy. Occupy your mind as best you can; you'll know the outcome soon enough.
V.
p.s. learning to let go of the things I cannot control is a continuing effort for me, JR. I am no master at it - just working away at it and hoping that sharing some of what I have learned on my path might help you a bit.
One more thing...just reread your post and wanted to add this: it's an old adage and I have been trying it in my life and it seems to help - when you do not know what to do, do nothing...just wait and the solution will likely present itself. There is a saying in French that I like a lot, "la nuit porte conseil." Literally, this says the night brings advice...so sleep on it and before you know it, you'll know what to do. V.
My personal experience on the subject is right on with Carlos.
The only thing my STBXH and I fought about in the months after we first S was the D. I wouldn't go along with it, and he and the OW wanted to push forward. I finally quit engaging him on it and after a few times of telling him that "I won't contest it but I won't sign anything to speed it along because I don't believe in D" and him screaming back at me "Neither do it, but I have to do it to be happy" I had to admit it wasn't working and switch tactics.
Once I started telling him that I just wanted him to be happy, whatever he wanted, etc etc. he backed off. Another year went by before he finally filed for D (and a lot of stuff happened in between w/ the OW and alcoholism which caused me to throw my hands in the air).
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Thanks for chiming in. Good to know I am not alone in all this. I've tried hard today to stay busy and "let Go". My mind drifted off and on towards my W. Letting go is no small task. But as you always say Carlos, no need to hold on to wasted energy. I know whatever my W will do is completely out of my hands. It all comes back again to taking care of oneself.
Here is a question: If the divorce proceedings are completely dismissed this coming FRI because of inactivity for the past 6 months, what shall I do next with my W? How shall I approach her and our marriage? I am lost. I've been so focused on prepping for a divorce that I haven't given much thought to the event that the divorce proceedings could be dismissed. Any input? THANKS
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
Well, I think your answer lies in your own words from your last post. You said that you have been so focused on prepping for divorce that you have not given much thought to the proceedings being dismissed.
Maybe it would help you to focus some on that possibility...once it arrives (after Friday - until then, keep focused on staying busy). I do not think you have to "do" anything just yet. You will have time.
I always make better choices (well, almost always) and take better, more precise action after I have spent time focused on what I want, what is best for me and how to accomplish that.
I suspect the last thing you want is to spend anymore time thinking...you want to feel as though you are taking action. But, thinking about what you want and need is taking action.
If the divorce proceedings are dismissed, just let that lie for a while...process your feelings and observe your wife's actions. Just as you have figured out your way through your current stage, you will navigate the next one, whatever it is. Trust that you will be okay, because you will.
Thanks. As you said earlier: La nuit porte conseil.
I am sure you are right when you advise to wait and watch my W's reaction...I wonder if she'll eventually react to the divorce proceedings being dismissed...
Thanks again V.
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
I checked on this website the status of the divorce proceedings. It would have been dismissed tomorrow FRI. But the last computer entry showed that an affidavit was filed for retention of the case on the court calendar. I guess my WAW waited til the last minute to stop the D from being dismissed. It really bothered me all night. I thought about calling her and ask her "why". But when I think of it, the filed affidavit doesn't mean all is over. It just prolongs the status quo I've been in for the past 6 months. Nothing new really. But the timing of the affidavit also tells me that my W really is not sure of what she wants to do ultimately. Of course I am just speculating and mindreading at this point. I always believe that if she truly wanted all this over with, it could have been done months ago. I take it my W is still in a state of ambivalence and is wrestling with the idea of reuniting or cuting ties. I don't know. I have no idea. I am just trying to motivate myself and see the positive in all this madness.
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
I am sorry. I can see that your thoughts are swirling round in your head and I understand how you feel. The best thing you can do for yourself in the present moment, which is where we have to learn to keep our focus, is find the strength to step outside of the swirling thoughts...the back and forth between negative and positive will only make you feel worse. As you said yourself, no point in mindreading. In my experience, when I engage in it, I am almost always wrong...it is uncanny. I take that back, it is not uncanny...it is because I bring my own ideas and thoughts to those I ascribe to whomever's thoughts I am trying to read. I think we all do this and it is normal, just not useful.
My advice from last night does not change...just let this lie. Look inward and see what you want for yourself and your children and give it some time...watch your wife's next actions but keep your energy on making yourself as whole and healthy and happy as you can.
