... M: "Did you see OM yesterday?" W: "Yes." M: "After Work?" W: "No. For lunch." ...
Do you notice that she flaunts her contact with the OM but in an innocent, don't be mad at me, I don't know what i'm doing type of way?
In your conversation with her, she even asked you if you are going to kick her out. She mentions separating, she mentions details about an open apartment that the other man has - why did that detail come up, why would the OM mention the open apartment to her, has she been there, have they been physically intimate, it seems to convenient to know about an apartment that she isn't going to be using when she moves out. Did she kiss him, she told you know but it's very possible that she was lying. She hasn't broken contact with him, she's very much attracted to him, infatuated is probably a more accurate term.
My take on this based on what I've read in the countless volumes of information available on this. WAS's will stop hiding their affairs with the OM after a while, when they feel they control their situation so much without any recourse or action on their spouse's part to defend against, they begin to openly flaunt what they're doing. Reason being... they feel guilty. They know what they're doing is wrong. They are waiting for you to do something, they are waiting for you to say something or give them a kick in the pants that says YOU MUST STOP THIS! You aren't doing any of this, you are treating her too nicely and she continues to treat you poorly and reward your kind actions & understand with more infidelity.
Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over again and expecting different results. You continue to think that being super nice to her, being perfect will magically lure her away from the OM and back to your loving arms but it isn't working is it. On top of that based on your description she feels horrible because regardless of the great husband you're being and all the great stuff you're doing, she still wants to be with the OM.
They (WAS's) have so much power at this point and literally can't stop themselves from doing anything, I believe that a WAS specifically the one you describe as your wife, is looking for direction, she's looking for you to tell her that this has gone on long enough.
"... I love you very much but I can't in good conscience continue to permit what you are doing to me, our marriage & our family. You must choose between him or me, no more waiting, no more testing the waters, trying to determine what the better choice is. You make a choice and live with it. We're adults and we're responsible for our actions, our decisions, that's how we live life but holding on to me & him is disrespectful of me. If the OM is that important to you and you can't decide to choose him or me I will make the decision for you and let you go and move on with my life. I won't compete with the OM for your love. If you can't see that I was always and will always be the better choice, it is your loss not mine and I respect myself enough to let go of the people in my life that don't value me or the relationship they have with me. You are practically dating another man while still being married to me and even if you can rationalize that behavior as being ok and label it as trying to discover yourself I won't do the same because I respect myself to much to allow you to continue hurting me." .... and then walk away.
Seriously, it's ballsy to openly admit to you that she had lunch with the other man during a family picnic with you.
She's looking to you for direction, leadership, a plan but she isn't getting it. You sit back, being the best loving husband you can be " Please continue to see the OM, it's ok with me, I'll be here waiting with supper ready when you get home."
Yes this isn't what you're going to do and you'll defend your actions with "because I love her...". I personally would have told her to leave, I would have told her that while she was out having lunch with the OM she should have stopped at the mall and picked up luggage to pack up her things and move out of the home.
She has lunch with the OM but then asks you to go to a picnic and pick up food for you, her and the family. She had no problem picking up food with the other man.
Respect yourself, please if you don't pick up anything else from all I've posted, please respect yourself.
