Gotta Keep Trying 2

[eternaloptimist]

Anyway, last night taught me not to allow my negative feelings (probably anger based withdrawal) to dictate my decision/outlook b/c withdrawal, being fear based, is nothing but an emotional response. And, we cannot reach sound decisions based upon emotion. Detachment, on the other hand, is based upon a conscious decision to reach a certain mindset. That decision is not based upon emotion and, in fact, initially ignores what our emotions tell us - I cannot detach b/c I love WAS or FEEL a certain way about WAS. But once you consciously decide to move toward detachment and make yourself focus on your lack of control over WAS' decision coupled with the realization that you really will be ok no matter what, detachment just happens.
And from that point of view, I can truly behave in a confident, cool manner no matter what is happening around me. And I am no longer a slave to my W's emotionally based behaviour. And that is attractive and very calming at the same time.

Woaah! I *loved* your explanation of detachment. It's perfect. I have been trying so very hard to get my mind wrapped around the whole concept, to no avail. I've been trying to detach once I got over the initial trauma of finding out about H's EA with his therapist, and it has been killing me to "shut off" my feelings. But lately, I've been moving towards "loving from a distance" so that he could no longer hurt me. (H has a personality disorder and has been emotionally abusive to me and our son.) Your explanation really helped me, so for that I thank you. Now I can articulate that I'm making an intellectual CHOICE to DETACH while still emotionally having feelings of compassion and love for H no matter what.