Trapped

[Jimbo]

I cant make any more changes, I am frozen. I literally feel ice cold when he is near me. He actually hugged me over the weekend and it felt so odd, like a stranger was hugging me. I cannot put myself out there anymore, the rejection and excuses now cut like knives. It puts me in a very dark place that takes a long time to get out of. I am afraid to have it happen again what if I cant get out? Why were they all worth the effort but I am not?

Sometimes I think he just let too much time go by and now doesnt know how to fix it or approach me. I have not given him any reason to not approach me, at least not yet. I just cant put myself out there again. I have tried but just cant anymore. How many times does someone have to show you they dont want you to start believing it. I believe it now.

I know I have to keep doing this for my son. I wont be selfish and give him that excuse to walk away from a 2 year old and pregnant wife. I know counseling will help him but dont want to confuse the situation any more than it already is by filing for divorce. I want a solution that will work for me so I get some peace. Can I just be roommates? sure but that feels so fake. I would only be doing it to get the bills paid off so I could afford to live on my own. That seems so cold.

HW,

Not to come off as cold here, but it seems to me that you say "I want a solution that will work for me so I get some peace", yet you also say that you "cant make any more changes, I am frozen".

Are you expecting those changes to just appear as if by magic?

If you do not make the changes that you need to have for you - changes that will make you happy and give you what you need - then who will make those changes?

It is admirable that you want to be there for your son and his M. It is laudable that you want to set the right example for him.

Does that example include showing him that it is acceptable to allow your needs as a human being to be sacrificed, as long as the poisonous status quo is maintained?

Take your son's sitch out of the picture for a moment, and just focus on you.

What do YOU want out of this?