Gotta Keep Trying 2

[Dia]

Ya know, I've been thinking about this for a few days. I know your plate is so full, esp. with your grandfather on top of everything else, but I keep thinking that I'm seeing more withdrawal after being hurt than the detachment you're describing? Is that possible or am I reading it wrong?

I'm also wondering if you may have, maybe even unconsciously, closed off some of the avenues for your W to have comforted or supported you so that you wouldn't get (overtly) rejected in your time of need?

I really struggled with asking to sleep in the master bed that one night, and struggled even harder to get the do-over after I backed off. But finally I decided that I've got to be willing to ask for what I need and take the risk - because if I don't ask, then I don't get for sure. And if I do ask and he's willing to give it even a little - well that's information I need to have if I'm going to make sound, fact-based decisions about my sitch and my future.

Hope I'm not reading too much of my stuff onto yours!

[givingitmyall]

Dia,

I think you are right. I do think I have detached. But, I also recognize I have probably shut off portions of my heart from my W. Not something I did intentionally. Maybe just defensively.

I know I still want to save my M and family. I think I still love my W but even if we reconcile, our R will always be different (both good and bad).

Very good point Dia. Thanks.

[givingitmyall]

Tonight seems like a good one. Came home, and played with my D5 and the cat (never thought I'd have a cat - I'm a dog person) while S9 did homework and W took it easy recovering from her cold. Really had a good time with my D. Just joked - I love hearing her laugh.

W is in a good mood. And so am I. Don't really know why.

My copy of "Light Her Fire" arrived today. But, I'm still plowing through "No More Mr. Nice Guy."

[givingitmyall]

Thought I would post my thoughts/feelings about the detachment v. withdrawal issue, as that seems to be a popular topic recently.

I am recognizing a different type of "roller coaster" and maybe that's not even the right term. But, it is within me.

Here's what seems to be going on. Over the weekend, I really doubted my feelings for my W anymore. I knew they weren't completely gone, but I felt my attraction to her waning and some low level anger beginning to creep in. "What the he!! is wrong with her?" "Is this just some sadistic game she's playing?"

But, last night, I was just in a good mood (used to be uncommon, but not anymore) and had a great time playing with my D5 (who now comes to me more than my W). I knew I projected a PMA, b/c I could feel it. As I sat on the floor and played with my D, I thought, man, can it get any better than this, this is great.

Later, after putting the kids to bed, W wanted to chat. She was very talkative and asked a lot of questions about me. We joked about our kids, how our D says the funniest things, etc. Typical "couple stuff."

And I found myself feeling attracted to her, not in a physical way. Rather, I found I was attracted to her in a loving, I want to take care of you way. But, at the same time, I did not feel desparation (haven't in a while). My attitude was I can give you the greatest gift I have (ME) if you want it. If you don't, so be it, and then I would know you are the "fool" in Sandi's statement about the LBS becoming the person "only a fool would leave."

So, similar to the WAS' roller coaster, maybe we LBS' from time to time have a smaller, more controlled version of the roller coaster, say in the kiddie side of the amusement park. A ride on which our attraction to our spouses waxes and wanes.

Anyway, last night taught me not to allow my negative feelings (probably anger based withdrawal) to dictate my decision/outlook b/c withdrawal, being fear based, is nothing but an emotional response. And, we cannot reach sound decisions based upon emotion.

Detachment, on the other hand, is based upon a conscious decision to reach a certain mindset. That decision is not based upon emotion and, in fact, initially ignores what our emotions tell us - I cannot detach b/c I love WAS or FEEL a certain way about WAS. But once you consciously decide to move toward detachment and make yourself focus on your lack of control over WAS' decision coupled with the realization that you really will be ok no matter what, detachment just happens.

And from that point of view, I can truly behave in a confident, cool manner no matter what is happening around me. And I am no longer a slave to my W's emotionally based behaviour. And that is attractive and very calming at the same time.

[Dia]

Ooooh, very cool, GIMA!!

[eternaloptimist]

Anyway, last night taught me not to allow my negative feelings (probably anger based withdrawal) to dictate my decision/outlook b/c withdrawal, being fear based, is nothing but an emotional response. And, we cannot reach sound decisions based upon emotion. Detachment, on the other hand, is based upon a conscious decision to reach a certain mindset. That decision is not based upon emotion and, in fact, initially ignores what our emotions tell us - I cannot detach b/c I love WAS or FEEL a certain way about WAS. But once you consciously decide to move toward detachment and make yourself focus on your lack of control over WAS' decision coupled with the realization that you really will be ok no matter what, detachment just happens.
And from that point of view, I can truly behave in a confident, cool manner no matter what is happening around me. And I am no longer a slave to my W's emotionally based behaviour. And that is attractive and very calming at the same time.

Woaah! I *loved* your explanation of detachment. It's perfect. I have been trying so very hard to get my mind wrapped around the whole concept, to no avail. I've been trying to detach once I got over the initial trauma of finding out about H's EA with his therapist, and it has been killing me to "shut off" my feelings. But lately, I've been moving towards "loving from a distance" so that he could no longer hurt me. (H has a personality disorder and has been emotionally abusive to me and our son.) Your explanation really helped me, so for that I thank you. Now I can articulate that I'm making an intellectual CHOICE to DETACH while still emotionally having feelings of compassion and love for H no matter what.

[givingitmyall]

EO,

Thanks, but this is as much a learning experience for me as it is for everyone else.

Now I can articulate that I'm making an intellectual CHOICE to DETACH while still emotionally having feelings of compassion and love for H no matter what.

That's it.

[JKL2009]

Good job.

[tryingtilDorR]

Anyway, last night taught me not to allow my negative feelings (probably anger based withdrawal) to dictate my decision/outlook b/c withdrawal, being fear based, is nothing but an emotional response. And, we cannot reach sound decisions based upon emotion.

I mentioned a book I have been reading in my own thread called A Return to Love by Marianne Willamson. She talks about acting out of love instead of fear as a key thing to do in life. She said that if you constantly try to act out of love (and in our case don't forget to love yourself) the right things will happen. If we act out of fear we are surrendering to evil. It is a very religious book, so beware if you aren't a spiritual person. It sounds simplistic and you have to read the book to get it really, but when faced with emotional reactions to things I have been focusing on this and it is helping me.

I am also 'getting it' about detatchment. I understood it from an intellectual standpoint all along, but I think I am finally feeling it which is a big difference. I am feeling it for the same reasons you are GIMA.

In my case I am starting to realize how disrespectful and foolish my W really is, but at the same time I haven't really acted in ways that garner respect I realize. It isn't enough to be a father and good provider (it should be, but it isn't). This all hit me after reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and reading posts from gucci, puppy, and coach.

[iwantittowork]

This all hit me after reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and reading posts from gucci, puppy, and coach.

A common theme.

It was Puppy's posts on lbs not leaving the house and starting to take a stand that started my eye opening, followed by gucci, coach and the book too.

I know your reading that book as well GIMA, and your description of detachment above is dead on, and the same place I am at right now.

It's taken me much longer to get there than you, so keep it up, you are doing great!