My husband and I have been together for 17 years, married 12. We have 2 kids, 7 & 4. We have always had a very easy loving relationship. Since the kids have been born, we've had a very rough time financially and have not had much time alone together due to working opposite shifts. Recently things have been improving with money and we're finally at a place where we don't have to work opposite. Anyway, my story is this:
Every year my H goes on a 24 hour canoe trip with some people from high school. It's an open invite so the people change every year. I have never gone because of the kids. He shares a canoe with whatever guy also came alone. This year it was a woman he hasn't seen for 20 years. Long story short, they were drinking and talking and shared a kiss. It was awkward and that was that (according to him). When he came home I knew something was wrong. He was standoffish and didn't want to be affectionate or have sex. I kept pushing and finally he tells me about the kiss. He says he feels so bad. It just happened. He doesn't know if he can ever be happy again because of what he did and I'll never trust him again, but he's suddenly confused about what he wants. I cry and assure him that we will get through this. That maybe it's a wakeup call to pay attention to our marriage.
2 days later, I get a wild hair and look at the cell phone bill. I see that he's been talking to her daily (1-5 times) and texting her since the day after the trip. I lose my mind and tell him that now it's an EA, and why is he talking to her. ( I know he hasn't seen her - I can account for all his time) He says they're just friends the kiss was just a mistake and he can talk to her. He says he can't talk to me because I pick everything to little pieces and talk down to him. This goes back and forth for 4 days and then we see a MC, who tells H that if this is not an EA, then he is on a very slippery slope. After counseling (which he never wants to go back to - we can do it ourselves), he agrees that we need to work on things, but doesn't seem hopeful. Says he does love me but is confused. The next morning he cuts off contact. It's been 10 days since and I see no evidence of contact. There are no calls and I know he doesn't have a prepaid cell phone, because we are broke enough right now that I would know about the money.
I have read DR cover to cover twice already. I started to implement my 180. No pursuing, no crying, no begging, etc. It started naturally enough with a blow up on my part because he was acting angry with me and like he was victim. I told him that I understood he was hurt too and that his self image was hurt and that he was confused. I told him that he is not allowed to treat me badly. I told him that if we were happy the day he left on the trip (and he still says we were) that maybe it's this situation coloring his perceptions, rather than our marriage itself, not that we don't have things to work on. We do. I told him that since he sure that he at least loves me some and we both love our kids we need to commit to working on this. He straighten right up and said he understood. We actually had a good night and next two days. He made a big effort to talk to to me. I did me best to stick to my 180. On Saturday though, we went to birthday party. He had a little too much to drink, but was really happy and talkative. On the way home we were talking and laughing and he touching my leg and holding my hand for a minute. It was like he "forgot" he was supposed to be confused. Shortly before we got home, he suddenly became quiet and withdrawn again. After we got the kids to bed, he wanted to go for a drive to be alone. He likes to escape when feeling stressed or sad. I wouldn't let him because he had been drinking. It turned into a huge fight. He says his major issues are that he knows I'll never trust him again (not true) and that one day I'll throw this back in his face. A lot of other hurtful things as well, including that accusing me of never giving up my high school bf. Just crazy. Said nothing I say hurts hm because he doesn't care half the time. He doesn't know if he loves me.
I don't believe for a second that these things are true. He is the kind of man that does not discuss feelings. When I try to talk he just looks at me and answers yes, no , and I don't know. I can count on one hand the fights we've had like this. They only happen when he's been drinking. (let me clarify - he not an alcoholic) I ended up fully engaged in this fight and told him that I don't believe he wants out. I think he is trying to punish himself because of his guilt and shame. I think he is being hurtful and angry with me so that I will ask him to leave. I told him that I would have no part in the destruction of our family. I said I would be patient. I said he really wanted to go he could, but I didn't want him to and that if he did it would be on him. I thought that we needed to stop talking about everything for a while to take time to be together and heal. He has been claiming that it doens't feel right to touch me since this has all happened. I told him that if kept avoiding me it never would.
Yesterday was better. I reinterated, very briefly, my position and he kissed and hugged me. I kep my distance, then he went to softball. When he came back he watched a movie with the kids. I sat with them part of the time and read. After the kids went to bed, we watched a tv show together. He voluntarily put his hand on my leg. I invited him sit with me and he did. We did hold hands and I put my head on his shoulder. He wasn't very responsive but he didn't pull away.
It's been three weeks, 2 days since the kiss and 10 days of no contact. He has made no move to leave. He has never mentioned seperation. He is just quiet and withdrawn. Whe he asked what he is confused about, he doesn't know. He says he doens't want the OW, doesn't miss her. He says he wants his family, says he loves me (most of the time). He hasn't initiated any physical contact until this weekend. All the beging and crying and pleading hasn't worked, but me getting angry and then holding firm seems to. It's so hard though. I don't know if this is all about guilt and shame or a MLC (he is 37). I miss him so much.
Me 34 H 37 Kids 7 & 4 Married 12yrs, together 17 Kiss/EA lasted 2 weeks. NC since 8/7
I forgot to mention. He still maintains that he was never going to tell me about the kiss. He wanted to forget it happened and just move forward with us and our family. In a way he blames me for making it all real by pushing him for answers. He goes back and forth between acknowledging that it was an EA (or at least a dangerous friendship) and that it was nothing. I hope I am right in assuming that his breaking contact says that he wants to work things out. I think he does. I think he doesn't know how.
Me 34 H 37 Kids 7 & 4 Married 12yrs, together 17 Kiss/EA lasted 2 weeks. NC since 8/7
cantbreathe.......Sorry you are hear.but you are in good company.
Has he looked into any help,can it be depression ?.I don't mean to imply I just speak from experience.it can turn any rock into a puddle of mud.That along with financial strain,kids, approaching the big 40.all of these can be factors.
And as DW said step back relax.strap yourself in take a deep breath.Don't push him further,at times it will be tough.keep hopeful,keep DB'ing
Good Luck God Bless
H 49 W 42 S 19 S 14 S 12 S 8 D 6 M 19 Bomb dropped 2/09 Separated 5/09 still hopeful, praying
Yesterday was interesting. I've been thinking that he's beginning to soften, but last night was different. We talked on the phone a couple times yesterday. Each time was ok, but he would start to pull back near the end of the conversation. When he got home, I was cheerful, gave him a hug, asked about work, told him about our day, etc. It wasn't long before he was grabbing a beer (he drank every day this weekend - unlike him) and getting his cranky face on while grilling dinner. I remarked that I was little concerned he was drinking again today and he shrugged. I knew I couldn't keep quiet if he was going to be like this again. I turned down the heat on the stove, grabbed my keys and told him I was going out for a while and to eat without me.
I drove around and then went to my sisters for about an hour and a half. During that time my daughter (7) called and asked me where I was. Dad told her I left for a while because he thought I was mad at him. I assured her that I just needed a little time alone, just like she likes to play alone in her room. I was livid. When he spent 3 days in a row driving around for hours, I told the kids he just was out or relaxing.
He was quiet when I cam home. When the kids were settled with some ice cream and a movie, I asked him to come talk to me. I told him how crappy it was that he told our daughter that. I think she is really being affected by all this and we need to get it together for her. I also ended up telling him again that I was done with this behavior. He is not allowed to treat me badly. In all the time we've been together he has never treated me badly before. I told him I was sorry he was hurting and confused. I told him that I was trying to act normal and loving to him. He said he didn't care how I treated him. I got angry and told him that I believed he was saying all these hurtful things because he is hurt and confused and lashing out. I told him again that I would not play apart in ripping apart our family. I told him loved him and that we have a good marriage and we could work it out. I did not beg, plead or cry. I was firm, calm, but a little angry. I told him I didn't believe he didn't want his family or me, but that I was so sad that he wasn't even trying. I told him I was less upset right now by what he did than what he's doing now. It went on for a while, you get the idea. In the end I said he was going to have to talk to me eventually. He looked into my eyes during this whole conversation and then said I know. I said I wanted to be done fighting about this for now. That there was nothing wrong if acting as if for while. That if we treated each other with love and care and spent time together, that we would both feel the love again. That love is a decision. That we would be better and stronger.
We put the kids to bed, he took a shower and came out to the living room. I put on a tv show we like to watch together and he scooted his chair over so I could put my foot up on it. Then he rested his hand on my leg. About half way through the show I asked if he wanted to sit with me. He came over and sat close to me and rubbed my leg. Before we went to bed I told him I loved him. He said he loved me. I said "do you?" and he gave me this weird, charming, sheepish smile and said "probably". We kissed, big hug, went to bed.
I feel better than I have, but I am afraid of what today will bring. I am trying not to pursue, but he is a man that doesn't talk much. He is also very stubborn. From his reactions I think he wants to sit with me and touch me, but is too stubborn and afraid. I don't know. I am trying so hard to take it day by day, but I just want my life back. I don't understand how this stupid weekend trip set off such a bomb in our life. I never thought he would be so weak about what needs to be done, about accepting some responsibility. I never thought he would turn things around and act like such a victim.
Me 34 H 37 Kids 7 & 4 Married 12yrs, together 17 Kiss/EA lasted 2 weeks. NC since 8/7
I'm sorry these are so long. I just am at a loss. I think I see some improvement in his willingness to touch me / be with me. Is it common for the WS to be so angry and apparently indecisive? Even though he cut off contact?
My plan tonight is just to be normal and calm. Try to be upbeat. I feel like the only time he really responds is if I'm angry. Maybe it makes him feel better?
I've been reading and reading here, but I can't find another situation like this. I would love some advice. Thanks!
Me 34 H 37 Kids 7 & 4 Married 12yrs, together 17 Kiss/EA lasted 2 weeks. NC since 8/7
But, to answer a question that ju,ped out at me... indecisive seems to be the WAS's middle name. With a good bit of anger thrown in. And it is always the LBS's fault.
Staying clam is good. Ignore his bad behavior. Take care of yourself.
This isn't a day to day thing, it takes a long time. So don't try to read too much into any one action. Just keep breathing!
But, to answer a question that ju,ped out at me... indecisive seems to be the WAS's middle name. With a good bit of anger thrown in. And it is always the LBS's fault.
Thank you! I manage to void all R talks last night, for the first time in days. I stayed calm about his not calling me back about dinner. Overall a pretty good night. He is starting to accept more affection even if he doesn't always offer it back. I told him I missed him (we were talking about physical affection) and he said he missed me too. Nice to hear. Would be nicer to experience.
Me 34 H 37 Kids 7 & 4 Married 12yrs, together 17 Kiss/EA lasted 2 weeks. NC since 8/7
The word of the day, and of the next few months is patience!
I think he has to get through what he did in his own mind before he can open up to you. And that is going to take a while, because he doesn't understand it any more than you do.
In the meantime, DB principles! Stay away from R talks, don't pursue, GAL, give him space to think and feel.
I think there is a lot of hope in your situation, but it is going to take a while.
Today, I think I am experiencing some backlash from last night. He's very uncommunicative today. I think he upset that I cuddled up to him in the night. I don't know if it's because I woke him or touched him. Maybe neither. This morning I apologized if I woke him. I told him I was having trouble sleeping (bad hip)and was lonely. I told him it makes me feel bad when he jerks away. He said he was sorry. Still, things feel very tense today.
I am a fixer and I am trying to have patience. I am trying to tell myself that these moods don't necessarily have to do with me and that they are not all my fault. It's just heart wrenching.
In addition - I just got a notice for the landlord that pretty much confirms that the house we rent is in the beginning stages of foreclosure. This is stress we just do not need on top of everything else. I'm afraid he will think its just one more reason our life sucks.
Me 34 H 37 Kids 7 & 4 Married 12yrs, together 17 Kiss/EA lasted 2 weeks. NC since 8/7
