Thought I would post my thoughts/feelings about the detachment v. withdrawal issue, as that seems to be a popular topic recently.
I am recognizing a different type of "roller coaster" and maybe that's not even the right term. But, it is within me.
Here's what seems to be going on. Over the weekend, I really doubted my feelings for my W anymore. I knew they weren't completely gone, but I felt my attraction to her waning and some low level anger beginning to creep in. "What the he!! is wrong with her?" "Is this just some sadistic game she's playing?"
But, last night, I was just in a good mood (used to be uncommon, but not anymore) and had a great time playing with my D5 (who now comes to me more than my W). I knew I projected a PMA, b/c I could feel it. As I sat on the floor and played with my D, I thought, man, can it get any better than this, this is great.
Later, after putting the kids to bed, W wanted to chat. She was very talkative and asked a lot of questions about me. We joked about our kids, how our D says the funniest things, etc. Typical "couple stuff."
And I found myself feeling attracted to her, not in a physical way. Rather, I found I was attracted to her in a loving, I want to take care of you way. But, at the same time, I did not feel desparation (haven't in a while). My attitude was I can give you the greatest gift I have (ME) if you want it. If you don't, so be it, and then I would know you are the "fool" in Sandi's statement about the LBS becoming the person "only a fool would leave."
So, similar to the WAS' roller coaster, maybe we LBS' from time to time have a smaller, more controlled version of the roller coaster, say in the kiddie side of the amusement park. A ride on which our attraction to our spouses waxes and wanes.
Anyway, last night taught me not to allow my negative feelings (probably anger based withdrawal) to dictate my decision/outlook b/c withdrawal, being fear based, is nothing but an emotional response. And, we cannot reach sound decisions based upon emotion.
Detachment, on the other hand, is based upon a conscious decision to reach a certain mindset. That decision is not based upon emotion and, in fact, initially ignores what our emotions tell us - I cannot detach b/c I love WAS or FEEL a certain way about WAS. But once you consciously decide to move toward detachment and make yourself focus on your lack of control over WAS' decision coupled with the realization that you really will be ok no matter what, detachment just happens.
And from that point of view, I can truly behave in a confident, cool manner no matter what is happening around me. And I am no longer a slave to my W's emotionally based behaviour. And that is attractive and very calming at the same time.
