Must've Been That Mojo Boogie

[JKL2009]

I have often thought, as I read your threads, that there was some interesting elements of being a WAS on both sides of your M. Now, as a part of your DB path, you are even at the point where you aren't sure you are interested in the M anymore. Is that really the case, or is it more of what you want to think to deal best with things? I know I am sort of getting to that point, trying to really figure that out.

[aliveandkicking]

With respect to your second comment. It's not a matter of "not trusting that the changes are real or lasting." There ARE no changes.

Exactly.

[robx]

WAW is deep in a feel-sorry-for-herself funk. Because Signore dumped her, presumably. She's sending me these pick-pick-pick emails, in full-bore rewriting mode. Apparently the session -- the only one so far -- with Fabulous MC#2 which she said originally was "to better co-parent" was now to "explore relationships with each other for our own sakes."

Whatever the h*ll THAT means.

And she's angry that I'm "suspicious" and "cagey" and "obviously not committed" to Fab MC#2.

Ummmmmm, wha'? We've only been the one time. That was nearly a month ago. I asked 4 times if you were going to schedule another session. You never said you were going to make one. Ehhhhh, so that makes me cagey...how, exactly?

So this is the Gucci Paradigm at work in a nutshell. 8 months into The Process, having DB'd like a mo-fo, having watched WAW run off to Upstate City for tete-a-tetes with Signore Schmuckatelli, having been spit on, having been called every name in the book, having been told I was a "nice guy, but just not her guy," having Walked My Path and Rolled My Way.....and nothing -- I fly off on the Great European Getaway and BANG! WAW's jealous.

Now if I were a more @Coachly sort, I'd say that was awesome. Here, kitty-kitty.

But what's really going on? She's jealous...why? Because Signore has no more use for her now that he got what he wanted. So WAW turns to the familiar -- well, SP'll always be into me.

Meh. Maybe not so much. I don't trust it, I don't trust her, I don't believe she's changed an iota. And as Schnarch writes, you don't have to believe anything until you experience it -- and I haven't experienced it. Let another Signore come into her life, and a dollar will get you a donut that she'll be right back in the deepest part of The Fog.

The dynamic has changed in your relationship,
before you were trying to impress her and prove to her that you were worth it. Now she has to rebuild the trust if she wants to be in your life because you respect yourself enough to make sure that she isn't just coming back to you because you are the backup option since her "brand new life" plans are crapping out. You can't make it easy for her either, otherwise it's like you said, another "signore" enters the picture and she repeats her behavior because you've allowed her to do this.

If she really wants you, she'll work at rebuilding the broken trust in your relationship and if she doesn't want you, it won't be worth her effort and she won't try and you will know that she isn't genuine.

[robx]

...There ARE no changes. She's making the same arguments, manifesting the same behaviors, making the same demands. So I'm not "irked" that she wants to work on the M and I'm not sure I do -- I'm irked that she doesn't want me to work ON MY LIFE just because SHE isn't getting ahead in her life.

I was never not-empathetic for WAW. I heard her and validated what she said. But as I've discussed in earlier threads, I came to the point that I wasn't going to let her define the agenda anymore.

Remember it was her decision originally to have an affair and she was moving on with her new life, it was her decision and her validation for that decision was that you weren't the best option. Now that she sees you aren't broken hearted, that you will carry on and not just survive, you will thrive & flourish it throws her entire decision & the rationalizations behind it out of whack. It was supposed to be that way for her, she was supposed to move on to a great new life and you were supposed to suffer. You're moving on to a great new life and you're not suffering, things aren't working out as she planned and the grass isn't really greener on the other side of the fence.

Now it's your choice whether or not to work on the marriage, not hers and that's what irks her. It's great for her, things didn't work out as she planned so I'll have smiley as my backup plan which was always my intention if things didn't work out. Smiley realized that it isn't cool to be someone's backup plan if the original better plan didn't work out. Being someone's second option sucks - that's a technical term. That's what you're feeling and I think it's cool to feel that way - you should, it was & is very disrespectful to think that you would always have been there even if she disrespected you and had affairs.

You have respect for yourself, your life is improving, you have alot of value and you know it and now she may be realizing it too. You are no longer option #2, the backup plan. You are the option #1, the premium package and the buy-in for this membership is expensive and requires effort on her part, if you just give the "package" away when she wants it, it loses it's value.

You're a diamond, not a lump of coal.
You are rare, you are valuable. Never forget it.
It's a lesson you will end up teaching your children as well so the effects are for more reaching than you would have originally anticipated.

I'm happy to see things are turning around for you SP!

[SmileysPerson]

@JKL:

Now, as a part of your DB path, you are even at the point where you aren't sure you are interested in the M anymore. Is that really the case, or is it more of what you want to think to deal best with things?

I honestly don't know the answer to this question.

I am definitely not interested in the M I had -- but I've said that often, both here and with MC's. That M is indeed dead. It died the day WAW delivered the bomb. Because it's tainted, right? Something/many things/everything in it was "wrong," so I have to move beyond it.

That being said, I am open to possibilities, including -- as I have been saying nearly since Day 1/Square 1 -- a new M that just happens to have the same 2 people in it.

Right now I can't make any evaluations. But your last query gets at the dynamic, I think -- I need time to make evaluations. About me, about her, about the M, about the kids. And I can only do that, as Schnarch writes, by experience.

@robx:

Remember it was her decision originally to have an affair and she was moving on with her new life, it was her decision and her validation for that decision was that you weren't the best option. Now that she sees you aren't broken hearted, that you will carry on and not just survive, you will thrive & flourish it throws her entire decision & the rationalizations behind it out of whack.

I warned her it would suck to be her, but she didn't want to listen.

Nooooo -- it all seemed so easy, didn't it? Drop the bomb, sleep with Signore, be faboo co-parents and bestest buds and lead the swingin' Signore life with travel and fine wine and lovely restaurants and good ol' SP watching the kids and toting the load -- and of course having enough "male self-respect" (as she put it) to never ENTERTAIN the idea of alimony! -- and gosh-o-mighty why didn't we do this before?

And now? Now SP's on the Great European Getaway and having a perfectly splendid time.

Now it does indeed suck to be her. And her fallback strategy is, "You really, really broke my heart; make it better by agreeing to do what I want."

I'm not going to rub it in, and I am going to guess that watching our kids in the/"my" house has really rubbed some open wounds.

But....too frickin' bad. Boo-frickin'-hoo. Buy the ticket; take the ride.

Hoo. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

[robx]

SP godammit... You're my hero!

Not only did you take those raisins you originally called balls out of your wife's purse, you've taken growth hormone and they've grown to watermelon like proportions - I don't know how you can walk with those things LOL!

You've reclaimed your value, and increased it 1000x over.

It looks good on you!

[Dia]

Hi, SP,

Didn't mean to ruffle your feathers. IMHO, there *is* a change going on in your W right now. The explosion of jealousy and contact - even though it's being expressed negatively - would be there if she were truly detached, apathetic and didn't care a whit about you, the M, etc.

I did not mean to imply that you had not been empathetic to her, so I apologize if that's how I came across. I meant to say that you appear to be experiencing some of the feelings many WAWs have and that knowledge may help you moving forward regardless of where 'forward' is for you.

Cheers,

Dia

[SmileysPerson]

Again, Dia, I don't deny the goodness of the points you make. I do say -- a la Schnarch -- that I won't believe them until I experience them. It's not that I don't "believe" her changes -- that, in my reading, is a phenomenon LBS experiences when s/he HAS changed AND when WAS has NOTICED the changes but rejects them.

NOTHING is different in WAW's attitude except there's no Signore to go seeking solace and validation from. Now if she were acting differently, doing 180s on the things that I found problematic in the M, etc., that would be a different story. But there's no evidence of that. I mean, here I am on the Great European Getaway, taking care of business (literally), and in 20 pick-pick-pick emails she hasn't once asked, "How's work going?"

Now the fact that there ARE 20 pick-pick-pick emails is indicative that she is not detached. But IMO not not being detached isn't the same as wavering in her commitment to D or even as creating an opening for durther DB. All it means is she pulled this thing out of her a** since Square 1, assuming (I have to guess) that by following the prescribed LBS routine I'd sort it all out for her.

[AlexEN]

NOTHING is different in WAW's attitude except there's no Signore to go seeking solace and validation from. Now if she were acting differently, doing 180s on the things that I found problematic in the M, etc., that would be a different story. But there's no evidence of that. I mean, here I am on the Great European Getaway, taking care of business (literally), and in 20 pick-pick-pick emails she hasn't once asked, "How's work going?"

But, IF she did, you would say "Thanks for asking."

Sorry, I couldn't help myself...

[SmileysPerson]

I would indeed have done so, because that's the Way I Roll. She emailed to ask if I could relieve her of child-care duties early - Friday instead of Sunday. "Sure, it'll be good to spend time with them.".

Friendy-like. Didn't ask why, didn't whine that I'd jus be getting back from 18 hours' travel.

Meanwhile I hear through the grapevine that - her own assertions in the presence of Fabulous MC#2 to the contrary notwithstanding - she's still telling all and sundry how irritated she is that she has to "support [my] useless a** for the rest of his life."

Oh, no, SP - I don't say things like that and anyway now that the lawyers are dealing with that issue I don't even think about it anymore.

But when I inform her that I've had an offer for a very good position in Other Coastal City, one which would nearly double my earnings but would also require us to flip the custody ratios, it's all Impossible! The effect of more custody on my career is unacceptable to me..

Heads she wins; tails I lose? I think not.