Tuesday: W called and asked if I could meet them atthe park after work and asked if I could get some food for a picnic. Of course I agreed. She seemed to be in a better mood today. The picnic was good. I am noticing that D3 is really getting attached to me. She is one that requires a lot of affection. It feels good. While I was out playing with the girls; I noticed that MIL and W were having a serious and emotional discussion. I get to the bench; there are tears in W's eyes. W: "Mom wants me to come back home with her." M: "Why?" W: "To get my life back together." M: "What do you think?" <silence> W: "D5 could go to the little kindergarten in the mountains." <silence> W: "She thinks I just need time away from OM. She thinks that I should give you another chance." MIL: "I am very sorry for your situation." W: "I am giving you another chance. I'm still here. Aren't I?" ... M: "I love you. Right now I am just trying to figure out how." W: "Are you thinking of seperation?" M: "No. Not at all. It's just that some days you need me close; others you need me to let go. I never know what you want from me" ... M: "Did you see OM yesterday?" W: "Yes." M: "After Work?" W: "No. For lunch." ...
The conversation continues as with the children in the car. W <crying>: "I hate this; this is all my fault." M: "No. We are both to blame. I am the one that drove you away." W: "But I am the one that opened my heart to another person. You should be leaving me. I shouldn't be leaving you. I don't deserve to be with you." M: "Don't think that. I didn't deserve you for the longest time. You need to think better of yourself."
Conversation ends as we drive home seperately. I put the girls in the bath while W takes MIL to store to grab a couple of items. W gets back before girls are done with bath. We put them to bed. D5, W, and I end up in D5's room listening to Lisa Loeb children's music (a very tolerable in fact enjoyable children's CD; I have actually listened to it with no kids in the car). W put's her head on my chest as a stroke her hair. D5 spends the time getting her doll ready for bed. D5 goes to bed and we move to our room.
W: "You should be happy that you stole my mothers heart." M: "I am. She is a good person." W: "She is doing this because she loves you. She loves me. She loves us."
...
W: "I am horrible. I don't deserve anything." M: "Don't think that way. You... we need to keep our heads high. We are worthy human beings. We are human - we make mistakes. It does not mean that we are not worthy." W: "Thank you, you are right." - kisses me on the head
...
M: "You know we need a plan? We are living in limbo. This is not good for you. It is not good for me. And it is not good for the girls." W: "I know. Are you going to kick me out?" M: "No. I will never to tell you to leave. But I do need to figure out my boundaries, what I can accept. And then the hard part is figuring out what to do when they are broken." W: "What are you thinking?" M: "I really don't know." W: "You are getting advice, what does IC say?" M: "Its all conflicting." W: "IC says you need to leave?" M: "He says it is something I need to think about. I'm not there." M: "Do you desire to work on our marriage?" W: "Yes." M: "Would you be willing to go to couples therapy?" W: "Not now. It is too soon." M: "OK. Do you have a plan?" W: "Well. I am going to seperate." M: "Do you have a plan for that." W: "I need to find a place." M: "Is that it?" W: "Then I will need to set up a seperate checking account. I guess I need to look into what needs to be done." M: "Hasn't OM been helping out with that." W: "Yes. He has an open apartment on the other side of town. He's offered it to me. But I am not going to move there. I want to be close to here; near daycare and D5's school." ... M: "Did you kiss him (OM) yesterday?" W: "No. I didn't." M: "Thank you. Thank you for respecting our marriage, respecting me to some extent. And respecting yourself. I don't believe you want to be that type of person." W: "I don't."
Logistics, finances, of a theoretical seperation are discussed.
W: "All I need from here is the couch in the basement and one of our tables." M: "I guess that would be the one in the dining room. Wait, that is grandma's." W: "You are right, they are both family heir looms. I guess I will have to get my own table." <pause> W: "As I think about it. There is nothing here that is mine. Everything is yours." M: "There is a lot that we bought jointly." ... M: "Do you know what you want?" W: "Yes. I just don't know how to get there." M: "What is it." W: "I want my own place. I want to move out." M: "OK." W: <obviously surprised at my response> "What was that shrug for. Don't you care?" M: "No. It's not that. I am comfortable that I have done everything I can to make this marriage work. There is nothing more I can do now. It doesn't mean I will stop trying to make us work." W: "You know you will be able to visit." M: "You will be welcome here too." ... M: "Is my picture still up at your work?" W: "No." M: "When did you take it down?" W: "Yesterday... Then I took it out this morning... put it back... took it out again... and put it back. I am so screwed up." (smiles) M (smiling): "You say you still want to be friends." W: "Yes. It's not the picture, it's the frame. All that love stuff." M (still smiling): Well you say you still love me." W (smiling): "I will probably take it out again tomorrow." ... W: "OK sweetheart. I'm tired. Let's go to sleep." M: "Well. You know. We are still in this room and it was only last week that you put up that sign." pointing to the "Always Kiss me Goodnight" sign above the bed. W: "I don't think it was last week." M: "OK. Maybe 2 weeks ago." w: "Come here."
I spend most of the night on my side of the bed. But couldn't sleep. Surprisingly, I was not anxious. I think I was more exhilerated. For the first time in a while, I felt I was in control. Even if it was a bad situation, I was in control. Finally, I rolled over to put my arm around W. Touching her always helps me sleep. By morning, she was on my side of the bed.
Wednesday:
Spent most of the morning seperate, doing our own things. I went up to say I was leaving. She was inside the closet. M: "I'm on my way out." W: "OK. Have a nice day." M: "Do I get a kiss?" W: "How about a hug? You don't seem in the mood for a kiss." M: "OK." W: "I noticed that you were up last night." M: "Yeah, I couldn't sleep. So I read a couple chapters. Don't worry. I am fine. I am actually impressed with how well I am doing." W: "I'm impressed too. You need to keep taking care of yourself." M: "I prefer work on myself." W: "Same thing." M: "Work implies that it isn't easy."
I gently kiss her; not long but good. She comes back for many more. I want more, but stop. I don't want to be too easy. M: "That was good." W: "Yes." M: "Have a nice day." W: "You too." I walk towards the door W: "Love you." as I am nearly out the door M: "Love you too."
