Thank you for your comments over at my place. Yours is one of the situations I've been watching because the whole 'using God' thing is just so... incredible.
I feel for you. Stick with those 180s. As an almost WAW, I can tell you that it took about 2-3 months, maybe 4, for some of H's changes to really sink in with me. During that time, he saw nothing of the turmoil that was going on inside me, so don't worry if nothing seems to be sinking in with her. I also definitely had a case of 'resentment flu' as described in the Mars/Venus book. Give it some time and keep the faith. And believe me - I know how hard that is.
Last edited by Dia; 08/19/0902:34 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Thanks, Dia. Strange, but recently she said she didn't feel God was speaking to her at all. So I guess she's in limbo now. At least she didn't say he was pushing her to the OM!
I see the conflict in her during her "down" days and I wonder if it is due to the OM pressuring her. He wanted her to move in with him and she told him "no" (he's still married but who knows for how long). She seems to have less sympathy for him and thinks he needs to handle his situation himself. But I think she is still in love with him; it doesn't help that he is laying on the "I care for you so much, I love you, etc." stuff pretty thick.
My wife's biggest concern is for the kids, understandably, and is really an asset for me. But the OM was a child of divorce and is recommending things for her to read about how kids can be OK with it (propaganda serving his purposes). Maybe he feels desperate and sees the conflict as well and is worried he's not going to win. Who knows. All part of the ride. I just want to get off and work on us in a dedicated way.
Eventually she will see that my changes ARE permanent. I just continually look for strength to hold out until that day.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
I just want to get off and work on us in a dedicated way.
Your actions tell your wife something different.
Quote:
I just continually look for strength to hold out until that day.
Instead of holding out (self-imposed limbo.) Why not increase your strength by using some tools? Tools that will get you "off the ride" and working on a new marriage. Do you want to be the man in the arena or a spectator who just watches and cheers? You can be a warrior and be kind, compassionate and loving. You cant' be a spectator and be a warrior though. Regret comes from inaction. To earn her respect back and get her to honor your boundaries you need to enter the arena. Strength and Honor.
Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach knows his mojo, pigskin. I do think there is a time to wait and a time to act, but only you can make that call.
Something I should add - if, on the very day I found out about H's affair, I had told him unequivocally to end it if he wanted any chance of saving our marriage, I am dead certain he would have ended it. One of the great tragedies of my sitch is that I ran instead.
Last edited by Dia; 08/19/0903:57 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Coach knows his mojo, pigskin. I do think there is a time to wait and a time to act, but only you can make that call.
Something I should add - if, on the very day I found out about H's affair, I had told him unequivocally to end it if he wanted any chance of saving our marriage, I am dead certain he would have ended it. One of the great tragedies of my sitch is that I ran instead.
I appreciate the comments coach and dia.
The time to act is coming, but I am seeing positive signs in my wife, so I am continuing to do what seems to be working. Going dark is too much like I was before, so I don't see that as an option.
She has depression and a host of other nagging medical issues, so kicking her out the door is not something I am prepared to do right now. Again - only she can stop the EA. What action can I take to stop it?
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Ya know, I'm probably not the best qualified to advise you on precisely what to do, but I bet Coach can. You could file for D w/o throwing her out, or you could have a sit-down where you tell her that the situation as it stands is untenable, and that you will file for D if she does not end the A.
Coach? Am I missing anything?
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Ya know, I'm probably not the best qualified to advise you on precisely what to do, but I bet Coach can. You could file for D w/o throwing her out, or you could have a sit-down where you tell her that the situation as it stands is untenable, and that you will file for D if she does not end the A.
Coach? Am I missing anything?
Well, I'm Catholic, and have a strong commitment to our marriage. Filing for divorce is not something I would ever do. If we go down that road it will be all on her. That kind of makes any ultimatum worthless. She knows I won't file.
That's why I'm pretty much stuck in waiting it out.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Nah, he won't do that. BTW, though, not sure if this exists in your state, but where I live you can do a legal separation that is essentially similar to a D but you are still legally married. It may well carry the same emotional impact of D for your W. Not advocating that, necessarily, but it's there.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
I'm sure Coach will have some insight.