i have always had an issue with lovingly detaching because it can easily close off your heart from the original goal.
Detaching just means you accept that you don't control the outcome. Read up on the Stockdale Paradox that helped me with the concept of detachment.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
be her best friend? i have been using that approach with my waw and it seemed to set a foundation for it. the feedback i got from her was that she loves being carefree about the sitch. she gets anxious when we bring stuff up and i always fall for that!!!! Here is what is working for me: 1 confidence 2 needing her without being too needy 3 laughter 4 putting her at ease and letting her put me at ease. this is crucial. i think women want to know that they can also fix things. that they are not weak but equal. i truly believe that most of the issues at hand here are about teamwork. if a wife feels that her place in the M is just as important as the H then that tends to lead to her thinking that she is no longer the bad guy. but it is imperative that you know its not just your fault. she needs to know that she had a huge part in it too.
make sense?
it is easy to tell other about it but hard when you have to do it yourself.
I also spend the whole time telling myself "remember to ask questions, validate, don't criticize or be judgemental, don't take over the conversation..." It's very tiring.
Yes to answer your question. I am detaching, but trying to do some loving things too. Any suggestions?
This is a tough one to get your head around. B/c, your impulse is to withdraw, not detach. And they are NOT the same thing.
I suppose the best way I worked at this was to understand that the negative feelings I had (and still have) for my W resulted from W hurting me. It did not mean I no longer love her, just that I temporarily have negative thoughts about her.
So, you need to buy into the premise that "love is a decision" and NOT a feeling. Right or wrong, it's your W's FEELINGS that got her where she is. If we know we cannot make a sound decision based on feelings, then it makes sense that love should not, and I submit cannot, be based upon feelings. Rather, love is the decision to love someone despite what they are doing to you right now.
Consequently, in my little mind, detachment differs from withdrawal in that detachment is making the decision to love my W despite the current situation while, at the same time, accepting that the old M is over. If a new one develops, then great. If it doesn't, then I know I tried everything I could and improved ME. Obviously, working on YOU is a BIG part of detaching.
Tough conept to understand and tougher to implement.
Another thought I used was to treat my W as a hot, female co-worker. I wanted to flirt with her, but not too much that I would get in trouble for fishing off the company pier.
Been a long day, so if I missed the mark on your question, sorry.
Last night she continued to be chatty. She even came outside to sit on the patio with me. It was kind of surreal. We've been through these "ups & downs" before. It's not that the ring is back on, we're not holding hands or anything, but it was strange to have her come with with me, talk about her day and how good the flowers in our back yard will look next year. She's excited to see how they fill in next year?
It takes everything I have to stop saying "what??? I thought you're moving out???" God this feels like it's such a game to her!
It does seem that she is trying. The problem is that she is still trying by herself, not inviting me to try with her, and still keeping me in the dark. (If we're trying, let's work together, share thoughts and feelings and get some new tools to make it work) She's trying with the same old tools...so we all know...we can't expect new results.
I'll do my best to respond to the old tools differently. Maybe it will be enough to get us started in the right direction at least.
BTW...after hanging out with me in the back patio she went to her girlfriend's house until some time between 1:30-2:00 am.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I think that my detachment is becoming withdrawl. I know my goal is to create a happy family and develop a happy marriage, but my tendency lately is keep my distance. Maybe too much.
The W just called me at work. She said it was about paying bills, but it wasn't anything that she really needed me for. I think it was mostly to chit chat. This is her way of trying.
It's hard for me to chit chat any more though. We've gone through this before. It starts to feel like things are good for a week or so, then...BAMN! It's hard to waht to spend time with her and have superficial conversations when I've been through this so many times before.
I think that I have been too quick to jump back in with both feet previously. As part of my "doing something different" I'm going to have to go a lot slower this time. Let's see if she becomes the persuer.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
GMA I can identify. Right now W isn't really talking to me, she is even avoiding me. Just a few days ago she was talking about the house and what improvements we should make on it. Even joked and laughed a few times. Then suddenly, she turned completely off. So when and if she warms up a bit again, I don't know how quickly I will jump back into happy conversation mode.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
It does seem that she is trying. The problem is that she is still trying by herself, not inviting me to try with her, and still keeping me in the dark. (If we're trying, let's work together, share thoughts and feelings and get some new tools to make it work)
She doesn't sound ready for this. You said it yourself in your last post, take it slow. She may still be at the point of trying to convince herself to try the "together" thing. I think my W is there as well.
The question is, what do YOU want? REALLY want? Would you be happy walking out at this point? Your call.
The detachment v. withdrawal thing is a real issue. Detachment is healthy in our sitchs. Withdrawal is a defensive mechanism (consciously or subconsciously) to minimize the hurt you fear might come or it can simply be anger at what she's doing. I understand it, b/c I'm there too.
Search yourself for what you want, and consider ALL the consequences. Unlike your W when she made a decision to bring up her unhappiness, you have a much better perspective (given you being on this board and reading DB) than she did.
The detachment v. withdrawal thing is a real issue. Detachment is healthy in our sitchs. Withdrawal is a defensive mechanism (consciously or subconsciously) to minimize the hurt you fear might come or it can simply be anger at what she's doing. I understand it, b/c I'm there too.
Yep, withdrawal is fear based. Not the vibe you want to project. Detachment means you can thrive with either outcome - reconciliation or D. Stockdale Paradox/Spiers Doctrine. You are already dead, so don't fear any Mo Fo.
Which demeanor, attitude, mojo, vibe, or presence do you want to project? You are being watched closely.
Strength and Honor Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I think I might be withdrawing rather than detaching. I will have to double check myself. Egad.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I think that there's some detaching, in that I just don't have the same concern of what she does and where she goes as I used to and that I am developing a lot more of a life that doesn't involve her.
There is definitely some withdrawing as well. I don't really want to talk to her when she wants to talk to me. Just like you guys said, it's a protection thing. You're dead on there.
Some of it is just that I don't like the person that she is right now too.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
