Once again, TEGH, you completely skipped over the main point that I was trying to make and began attacking straw-men of your own construction (not mine). I wrote:

Originally Posted By: Bagheera
Simplistically put, every sexual relationship involves two people, and each person in that relationship has a responsibility (if they want to keep that sexual relationship alive in the long-term) to continue to *attract* their partner, make sexual *advances*, and likewise respond positively to their partner's sexual advances...[snip]

...the general point I am trying to make is that the failure of a long-term sexual relationship is RARELY the fault of just one partner -- both partners contribute to the failure.


You are 100% responsible for YOUR HALF of the marriage and sexual relationship. Your wife is 100% responsible for HER HALF of the marriage and sexual relationship. The complete failure of your sexual relationship is *not* entirely her fault, and is *not* entirely your fault, but is instead due to long-term actions and reactions on BOTH of your parts: *that* was my point. From the very start of your thread here, I have been trying to tell you the following:

(1) Improving your situation -- your sexless marriage -- will require change.

(2) The only person in the marriage that you can change is yourself.

(3) Therefore, begin making positive changes to your life, for YOURSELF.

Start living your life as your own man: become the dominant force in your own life --> not *her*. In order to be happy with your life, you NEED, as a man, to become self-determinate once again. Revive those activities and hobbies that used to bring you joy, reclaim your own space, set your own boundaries, and renew your senses of self-worth and self-fulfillment. None of this requires acting angrily -- if she becomes angry about it, just let her and don't rise to the bait. Just quietly DO what YOU need to do, for YOURSELF.

These changes may not (initially) improve either your marriage or your sex-life, but you might also be surprised. In general, a strong, assertive woman, such as your wife, is sexually attracted to a man who is STRONGER than she is -- and who shows it. When she pushes you, she needs to encounter something solid and strong...and NOT a marshmallow that gives way and retreats further. At what point will you finally realize that you will NEVER be able to give up enough or give in enough to make your wife happy or sexually attracted to you? Because that ISN'T what she wants in a man...because that isn't being a MAN at all.

-- B.


Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs
S25, D23, S13, S10
20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007