Time is on your side.Only you know how much you can take, but I would plead with you to take the longer view, bide your time, to get support for yourself, and at least for the moment, try to protect her from herself. That is NOT a long term solution, and I don't mean it as such...but divorce is permanent. One thing that stuck out in my memory from Michele's book is...you can always get divorced later. You can always make an ultimatum, you can always ask her to leave, but you don't have much to lose by continuing to show her the real person you can be now, when she's in your home. You bailed on her the first time when you quit marriage counseling. Somewhere inside she expects you to bail on her again...OM is using that against you, I promise.
Some here would say, hey that's the consequences...but she's the mother of your children. What happens to her, happens to them too. You don't strike me as someone who would take any pleasure watching her fall on her face.
I would not give this advice to everyone...but I feel compelled to say this. I feel it in my bones that this woman needs your mercy right now, not tough love. Time will tell if it will work. Her problems may be too great for your marriage to bear, and I don't advocate sacrificing yourself for a lifetime for someone who can't get straightened out. But for now, try not to look at her as someone to fix, but as someone who needs your protection right now.
The wolf is at the door, tristan.
I won't agree with much of what breakaway has to say but part of your plan can include letting this situation ride for some time. Give yourself a time frame that you're comfortable waiting before proceeding with action. The idea is to have a plan, write it out if necessary and follow it through. "...We've been at this for x number of months, I will give her another x number of months, if there is still no improvement on her part and she isn't showing any real signs of improvement, after x amount of months I proceed with asking her to make a decision to choose me and stop all contact with the OM and to commit 100% to our marriage and the required work to rebuild it or I will make the decision for her because I choose not to live in limbo - my life is just as important as hers and I choose not to waste anymore time after this."
Time is precious, time is finite, time is linear and it's something we never get to reclaim, once today is gone, it's gone. We don't know what our lives hold and placing our lives on hold or more accurately, allowing others to place our lives on hold is disrespectful. Give her more time, determine what you're comfortable with Tristan, base it on how much time you've spent in "limbo" and how much more time you can do this but always respect yourself. If you give her x number of months to get this resolved and she is still doing the same thing at one point you're going to have to realize that some people would rather live in limbo & uncertainty than be responsible with the lives they live & affect. People who have open relationships (spouse and the other person on the side) tend to want to maintain these relationships as long as they can when they're enabled to do so because they get something different from each partner, different needs are met by both partners and that is a hard thing to let go of.
Be the best husband you can be right now, give her your mercy, love her, be there for her, respect her, take care of her, give her the security of being your wife.
But... don't tolerate the open relationship, give her some more time to make the decision and I know this is something you're wrestling with inside your head because lately it's bothering you and it's something I understand. You are giving 100% right now and you aren't getting back from your wife what you feel you should be getting, your needs aren't being met and you're placing them on standby while you figure this situation out with your wife. You're a great guy and you're handling this all as best as you can. However at one point, if it hasn't started already, you will ask yourself what am I doing all of this for? A relationship, a successful one is mutually beneficial and it currently isn't for you, if it was, we would never have heard from you on these forums. I'm going to validate you as well, it's ok for you to want your wife to love you properly which means wanting her to turf the OM and start focusing her energies on you, there is nothing wrong with that, it definitely isn't selfish and even being selfish isn't all that bad either: if you want something and you're honest about it, you're not hiding it, you're not manipulating something or somebody to get it. The longer you put your needs on standby you will notice that you start to become a little bitter, a little angry, unloved and you will start questioning yourself, "why me? what's wrong with me? why can't you get what you need from me? why can't you communicate your needs to me and ask me to fulfill them?", you'll become bitter, needy, start to develop insecure habits, possibly some anger.
Before the naysayers jump in, this is all human nature and me admitting it is honest. Everyone wants to be loved, everyone deserves to have their faith & effort rewarded and when this doesn't happen, we tend to become unhappy, confused, disoriented and we question our self-worth.
Tristan give yourself a reasonable amount of time you can continue to be in your current situation without hurting yourself too much but don't give her forever because if you do, she'll take forever in this current situation if she can.
One last thing before i drop off, We always want what we don't have and what we have we usually take for granted.
Diamonds are valuable because they are rare, if you could step in your front yard and scoop up a handful of perfect diamonds out of your flowerbed along with all your neighbors being able to do the same thing, they wouldn't be as valuable would they?
You want your wife to stop seeing the OM, you currently don't have that but you want it. This is something you attach value to.
You want your wife to give you the same energy that she's been investing in this OM and you currently don't have that either, this is something you attach value to.
You want a great marriage free of issues & infidelity and you don't have that, it is something that you attach value to.
Your wife has you, this great husband while she still sees & contacts this OM intermittently. You have some value to her but she has you so the value attached to you isn't as high, coupled with the fact that she still has this OM, who has some value in her point of view as well. She has both of you and although you both possess some value, one doesn't appear to be more important to the other, how could it be, she's risking losing you while maintaining a relationship with the OM and if she can risk losing you that translates into you not being as valuable to her at the current moment. If you were to move on at one point, it will be your decision, not hers and at that point you would have alot of value because you've taken the choice from her - she no longer gets the luxury of spending time with both of you, she no longer gets the luxury of choosing who to be with, she no longer has the luxury of the life & security you offer her.
Always remember your value, you are high value.
Give her some more time, set up a period of time that you can continue to tolerate this current situation, set up a plan and follow it through. You must have a plan for either scenario: her choosing you or her choosing the OM - failing to plan is actually planning to fail.
