Hello. I am an older member but have lost my login informatuon so I am starting over. My H and I seperated in 2001 due to his infidelity. Did the ILYBINILWY speech, etc. Textbook MLC. He moved in with his OW for a year and left our sons and I to fend for ourselves. At the time, he offered no explanations other than he was unhappy. I did not find out about the OW until he was ready to return to the marriage. He also admitted to two other affairs earlier in our marriage, one with a best friend of mine. I was devestated but somehow finally having the truth gave me peace and the courage to try and repair all the damage.
Admittedly, he came home for the boys. His OW had convenienced him that they would accept his relationship with her and become part of their "new" family (she had a son). Both boys made it clear he had no place in their lives until he cleaned up his. He finally understood and chose them.
He came back to live with us in a house I recently purchased and went thru the whole withdrawal process which almost destroyed us all but after months of counseling on his own, finally committed to our marriage and family again and let her go. He did all the right things, no contact with her ever, quit his 25 year plus job and went back to school to pursue his lifelong dream.
Today, I am conflicted horribly. The price I have paid to have my marriage back may have just been too high. I have doubts it was worth it. I dont want to become an old woman who regrets that she never went out into the world to see if there may have been a better path.
Today, he is working as a teacher and loving it. Our sons are stable again, WE have a daughter in law we love and a granddaughter who brings us such laughter and joy. I can see in his eyes that he knows that he would not be part of any of this life if he would have chosen the OW. He would still be at a deadend job with no satisfaction and missing out on the boys' lives. I know he truly appreciates the sedond chance.
The issues I am having are hard. I feel like I lost the part of me that trusted and lived life with a certain belief. All of that is gone. I watch everything I say and do, thinking that if I react the wrong way he will leave. It has been 6 years and I still feel this way.
Also, there is no intimacy between us. He has used every excuse he can think up. School was too stressful, new job too stressful, back injury, etc. We ML on a recent vacation but before that it had been 2 and a half YEARS. He wont discuss it. I know he is unhappy with my weight. I am 48 years old and a bit chubby. His Ow was 10 years younger and very slim. I truly believe he would trade in a woman with a flat stomach over someone who cares for him, loves him and is a good person. We are in a cycle. He wont touch me if I am overweight and because of his rejection, I use food to ease the pain. A couple of years ago I lost the weight, when I still had some hope. At first it did make a difference, then he went back to the rejection again and the pain was so bad, I started eating again thinking in my head that if he couldnt just love me for me then who cares?
I want to get back on track, I do. I believe that I am caught up in the fear that what happens if I do finally lose the weight and he still doesnt want me? Maybe he really never did love me? Did I settle? The hope I had is gone. I go back and forth between letting him go and holding on. If I let him go then at least I will have hope again. Hope that maybe in the future someone will come along who will want me for me and not for what I look like.
Added to all of this is a financial tangle. All of our debt is in my name. He was never on the house or any of the bills because he was a student with no income. The bills are a result of his schooling, yet he can walk away legally and not be responsible. I will lose my house. My house is important to me. I found the means and strength to provide a home for myself and my sons after he left on my own. It helped me prove to myself that I could live without him. It is a symbol of hope to me.
On his side, he has no retirement. He is 50 years old. If he were to leave and start again on his own, he would have to work until he died. He cashed in his retirement from the job he left to pay off debt he incurred with Ow and for school. He isnt going anywhere. This is a decision I will have to make.
I want to feel better. I dont know how anymore. I want to be the person I became when he left, that picked herself up and moved on. Just not sure anymore that I can do that with him.
Any thoughts or help will be greatly appreciated. I am looking for a way to find some balance and get back on track in making my life about what is good for me.
I know and understand you are just here to vent....
BUT,
It's been over a year now that you have felt this way..
Nothing, from what I read, has changed for you.
At some point, you cannot blame him for YOU being stale.
Insanity is defined somewhat by doing the SAME things over and over and expecting different results...
At this point, you either DECIDE to do something to work on this, or you DECIDE to do something the other way...
Stuck is stuck, and what you are doing is no different than what he did when he went through this....Do you remember those feelings ?
Don't apply your Son's situation to yours, and you also don't want to be a hypocrite.
I'm not against you.....I'm against anyone who allows themselves to become stuck for this length of time....
The only way to change any of this is to DO THE WORK....
